A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:** This is a very long, detailed story** Less than a week ago, my boyfriend of 5 years ended our relationship. We had a good relationship and seldom argued. We enjoy most of the same things and overall we get along great.Saturday, we were talking about our anniversary plans. He even called it 'Christmas in August' however, on Sunday, he decided that he just really didn't think he loved me. It was extremely sudden and entirely out of the blue. We were fine as far as I knew. We took a shower together that Thursday. Went for a walk and cuddled up that Friday. Went to dinner on Saturday and talked about our plans. Then Sunday it was over. There wasn't a single sign. He wasn't withdrawn. We had sex regularly. Kissed, talked, did things together...we had plans of marriage and kids and even spoke of these things weeks prior.Basically when he told me "I just don't think I'm happy here" it destroyed me. When I asked him how long he'd felt this way, he said he wasn't sure - that he he sometimes felt it even before we moved in together (we've lived together for 3 months - something he wanted to do) and that sometimes he felt it and sometimes it was fine. This confused me further as again, there really just weren't any signs of anything being wrong. He had a difficult time with the break up and we discussed who should leave the apartment. I decided I couldn't afford it so he could keep it. I was just gathering a few things before leaving and he kept following me around sad. So i tried to be positive and point out all of the cool stuff he could do without my things in the place to which he replied "You're acting like I'm not going to miss you."This struck me as odd. You don't miss things you don't want - at least this is my impression. I spent the night at my folks and went back the next morning to get more things. There were some issues and I honestly had nowhere to go so I asked if maybe I could actually keep the apartment and he could go. This wasn't possible for him either so he suggested that I stay there for a while and even said 'I think it's best for both of us if you just stay for a bit" which again, confused me. I asked him again about what exactly was going on and he finally explained he had been thinking about this for a few weeks and his words were "I just don't know if there would be somebody better for me or not" Keep in mind I'm the only girlfriend he's ever had. We talked a bit and he said he wanted to see me happy and he didn't want to see me hurt. His eyes were watery with tears at this point. I asked about us being friends and he perked up a bit and said that's something he'd like because he said he still enjoyed hanging out and doing things with me. We hugged and I returned later to reset my things and we figured out sleeping arrangements. I also mentioned how my parents were trying to get me to move to another state with my sister. His response to that was "You can't do that. Then we'd never see each other and that'd be bad"Now, we're roommates. The goal was for me to get with my friend and move out in a few months. My friend, however, wants to pay off some student loans before moving out of her parents house and said she doesn't want to do it for another six months. Initially, he seemed iffy with the idea but said that he was okay with me staying and that I would not be in the way or anything. He then proceeded to tell me he was always there for me and I could still come to him with anything. Between our schedules, we didn't see each other for 2 days until I spoke with him one morning as he offered some of his chili for dinner that night. I picked up some stuff for it and we ate at the kitchen table together and talked a little more. I BSed a little bit, faking that I was totally cool with all of this and that I felt a little lighter. He said he felt good being my friend and he was happy that I was happy and said he liked not having obligations to someone. We then ended up chatting about other things like video games and such. We even have plans to go to a movie this weekend.It was, however, killing me that I couldn't just sit next to him and rest my head on his shoulder or kiss him or even remotely touch him despite how chipper I may have acted simply so he wouldn't feel guilty or upset. Initially I thought living with him would make it easier because I could still be around him. Now I'm realizing that simply is not the case and it's torturing me to be so close yet so far.I know now there are some things that bother him: my cleaning habits aren't super great, I often whined about work because it was just so damn stressful, I often came home apathetic and moody so I slowly stopped engaging in the things I enjoyed as much. Overall, I think I had become way too bitter and because I was rarely happy because of my constant stressors that it affected things (even though he never said much about it until it was too late).My question is this: I'm struggling greatly with my next move. Part of me strongly feels that I can win him back over - especially if I focus on correcting the things that I know bothered him (things that would make me happier anyways) - like my cleaning habits, not bringing work stress home, and just overall focusing on being more positive. He obviously still seems to care about me at least and doesn't want me out of his life entirely. But then there's the other part of me that feels like I've simply just blew my chance and that I should accept friendship and move on without torturing myself and hoping for something that may or may not happen.I'm trying to be strong and move on regardless, but I'm not sure if I should work to pull him back to me or just go on. Would moving out sooner help? I'm really just not sure what to do. Does it sound like I still have a chance of winning him back over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): "If anyone has any advice on how I could maybe win him back in the future (after all of this initial stuff has passed) it'd be appreciated :)"
You can't win back a guy who doesn't love you OP. After 5 years if he doesn't love you now he never will.
But as you rightly concluded the only chance you have of making him what he stands to lose is for him to actually lose you. You see right now the situation is perfect for him, he gets to go out explore other women all the while knowing that he has you as a fall back. I mean why do you think he wants you out of the way fro when he and friends go partying? He wants to have the option of hooking up without being cruel and doing it in front of you.
You need to be your priority now OP and you need to start looking at healing, not holding onto hope. He either will come back or he won't but either way, waiting and hoping is not a good way to live and sorry to be harsh but a love sick ex pining for you and not moving on is possibly the least appealing to thing to us guys.
The exes who have moved on, gotten over us and are happy and independent again are the ones we're more likely to want back because they've returned to person we first started dating. There is something about the person we can't have that's far more alluring than the person who's always there for us waiting in the shadows hoping we'll take them back. Only when you've taken away that option will you have a chance.
And seriously you need to give up on your hope here, the chances are slim to none here. 5 years is a long time to suddenly just turn around say you're not the right one for me I can do better. That's very much the end of this OP and you'll only really see that once you've moved on. Do what you have to but start healing, start spending as little time at that apartment as possible, you really need to take some space and give him some space.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Hello all - I'm not registered but I am the original poster. I did make the realization that i HAVE to get the heck out of here. Seeing him in front of me but not being able to do anything is pure torture and agony. I've pleaded with my best friend to re-evaluated her finances so I could get out of here. Without her, I'm stuck. My parents landlady won't let an unleased tenant live there and I can't afford anything by myself. This means I'll be stuck here for at lest another month or two. The harder part is that I spoke with my ex last night and it does seem as though he'd prefer me out sooner than later. He even asked me to just sleepover with my parents on Friday night as his friends would be around and he didn't want it to be awkward and he wanted to be able to be loud without disturbing me. He seemed okay when we talked and at first we were just watching a show and chatting - I didn't think he'd get back into the situation but he did. Overall, he's sending me very mixed signals. He's got this "i want you out now, but oh by the way, it's okay if you stay because I still kind of care" thing going on. I have thought back and I really do feel we "lost touch" primarily due to my stress. I let it overtake me and was so rarely positive. He pretty much never complains so hearing me complain must've been the most annoying thing in the world to him. I'm still not sure if I have a chance of winning him back or not, but I don't think I"ll ever know until we're actually apart long enough for him to notice my absence. I guess I'm just scared once I go, he'll change his mind and decide he doesn't want anything further to do with me. Could just be paranoia so I'm trying not to much assumptionsIf anyone has any advice on how I could maybe win him back in the future (after all of this initial stuff has passed) it'd be appreciated :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): "I just don't know if there would be somebody better for me or not"
Ouch, after 5 years and he basically tells you he's not in love with you.
First off yes, move out as soon as possible, your head must be spinning being there. Breaking up is a nightmare to get over even alone but to have them live with you is hell. You need to move out soon so you can start to clear your head and heal.
I think the winning him back ideas are starting to creep in in a kind of irrational way of you ask me. Those things you mention like chores etc. do you seriously think they'd be a reason for your five year relationship ending? Come on OP, we all get stressed, surely he's seen you stressed and go through tough times before in the past 5 years.
You're grasping at straws and you need to remove yourself from this situation so you can start to think without the cloud of emotions and without being so close you smell him.
Look the worst part of all this OP is the niceness of the man has made you blind to utter shittyness of this situation, what he hopes and expects from you is horrible. He doesn't want you but doesn't want to let you go either? He may not being that out of spite OP but it's very selfish and it's the dog in the manger, except not in a malicious way. Come on OP, don't let his handsome features and comforting smile delude you to the fact that this guy wants the girl he dumped to just stay there and act happy. Does he honestly think that you're going to be okay in that situation? Okay, it's his first relationship so perhaps inexperience has made him ignorant to the fact that you can't possibly expect a person you dumped to be just fine with everything and still remains best buds.
That's the hardest part, it would be easier to make a decision if he'd actually been an asshole about this but OP you have to treat the situation the same way because it is exact same. You're getting very hurt here and it's only going to get worse the longer you have to sit there and look at what you want but can't have. You're being cruel to yourself here OP, you're trying to pretend like everything is okay so you don't upset this guy and ruin your chances, but it's over.
Look regardless of any of the advice you get here, you really need to get out of that place so you can make your own decision on this matter. How can let go of something you love that's right there in front of you? That's like asking a junkie to come off heroin by sitting in a room with a filled needle. Completely illogical.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi there. I believe it definitely sounds like he wants you to still be in his life.
Everything points in that direction, doesn't it?
You are still good friends, and he says you can come to him anytime you want to talk about stuff and just kind of hang out together.
He clearly doesn't want you to move away, does he?
He may be thinking, because of a previous bad breakup, that the same thing could happen again with you.
And this could be frightening him off fully committing to you, the way you had both previously planned.
The fear of failure.
What you have said about your cleaning habits, and being a bit moody when arriving home from work at night, probably is less of an issue than his fear of getting hurt by another possible breakup.
Being a little bit moody and unhappy, could have played a minor role in the breakup.
It does seem though, that when you were more cheery - even if it was pretence - made him happier also.
So there's a clue.
It's always nice to come home to someone who is always happy and positive about life - no matter what happens in their daily lives.
When you come home to a smiley face and cheerfulness every single day, it can also lift your spirits.
As compared to coming home to someone who is always stressed, uptight, short-tempered, grouchy and just generally unhappy.
It's a stark contrast, isn't it?
And to understand this, you need to put yourself in that situation, and imagine him being moody a lot of the time and short-fused and argumentative, and just generally grouchy.
You wouldn't look forward to going home at the end of the day, wondering what sort of mood he'd be in.
Can you see that?
So yes, it could have played a fairly substantial role in the breakup, although it hasn't stopped him altogether, from still having feelings for you and wanting to be with you.
So that says a lot.
In any case, a really good way to relieve that stress each day - if it's not too late when you arrive home - is to go for a nice long leisurely walk (before you have your evening meal).
It will help you to unwind and clear your head, and it really does relax you and remove that pent up stress from your working day.
And as an added bonus, you will sleep really well at night, and when you walk regularly, you will find that generally, you will have a lot more energy.
And when you feel more energetic, you will find that stress will become a thing of the past.
Another helpful thing for you to do during your working day, is to go for a nice walk out in the fresh air during your lunch break.
If you get an hour for lunch at work, you could walk for 30 minutes, then go back to the office and eat a nice healthy lunch.
And if you only get 30 minutes for your lunch break, well then walk for 15-20 minutes, and then go back to the office and eat your lunch after that.
What this does - the lunch time walk - is to relieve the stress of the first half of the day, and will refresh your body and your mind, and will give you a big boost of energy to work the rest of your day, with great gusto!
And apart from the walk, the fresh air and getting out of the office for that 15-30 minutes, will give you a fresh start for the second half of your work day, and it will inevitably, make your afternoon much more productive.
And once you get home, as long as it's not too dark, you could then relieve any afternoon stress by having your evening walk - before your evening meal.
And over the course of a few days, you will see a definite difference in how you feel generally.
Your energy levels will be UP and your stress levels will be DOWN.
And as a result of this, you will be much calmer and of course, much happier as well.
This alone will help you very successfully, in coping with and controlling your general levels of stress on a daily and ongoing basis.
And it goes without saying, that the secret to a regular high level of energy, is to walk regularly.
Every day at work - during your lunch break.
And every night, or at least 3-5 night a week.
The other alternative to night walks, or else additional to, is to walk before you leave for work and before you have breakfast in the mornings.
Then you can work out how you want to improve your housekeeping work tasks.
As the living setup is probably the most financially beneficial to both of you the way things are now, over the next few weeks just see what you both feel about everything, once you are working on your stress - by walking regularly - and doing whatever it takes to keep the place clean and tidy for you both.
It certainly seems that he wants you in his life, no matter what the status of your relationship is, so there is no question there really, is there?
Perhaps as well as all of the above, you could sit down with him and talk about how you both want things to pan out now, so you are both clear on what happens from hereon in.
This part does need to be clarified, as soon as possible.
Generally speaking though, it does sound fairly promising, but don't apply any pressure for it to be anything more than it currently is - for now.
Perhaps during your discussions together, you could suggest giving each other some space, and you could move back with your parents for a couple of months, to really give him space.
I do understand what you said about your being his first girlfriend, and he wants to know that you are the right one for him.
The truth about needing to know if someone really is "Mr Right" or "Miss Right" is when you are with someone and everything just clicks.
If the person is right for you, you will know, because there will be nothing missing from what you have together.
What I mean by that, is in contrast to being with someone who yes, you like (or love), and most things are good between you, and you have a lot in common, and at the same time, there is "something" that IS NOT there.
A sense of something missing, and maybe you just don't know what that is, you can't quite put your finger on it.
Sometimes when most things are good, and you are pretty happy together and with similar tastes in things generally, it can sometimes be a very small and yet extremely significant thing such as intimacy, that is missing.
And no, I am not talking about making love, because that is only physical intimacy.
What I am talking about here, is emotional intimacy.
Meaning, the part of you that you share with him about your feelings on things, what your day was like - postive - your ideas about life and just stuff generally.
What I am talking about here, is sharing even the tiny little things in everyday life that we all do.
Not just major things that happen, but all the trivial things as well, they are all a part of the big picture.
Which is important.
And this emotional intimacy, is the glue that really keeps couples together, and wanting to remain together for the rest of their lives.
Emotional intimacy is all important, in every relationship.
And no matter how fantastic the sex might be, it will only come a very poor second, to emotional intimacy.
And if there is no emotional intimacy, well then eventually, the great sex will just fade out and exhaust itself entirely.
In the end, it just will not be enough to sustain the life of the relationship on it's own, for very long.
It's that important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): If chores are a major issue, try to do them together. It takes me an hour to clean the kitchen (one day's worth of dishes, pots, pans, utensils, counters, floor, trash, etc) if i have to do it myself. If my fiance helps me, we can finish all of it in 15-20 minutes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2012):
 First of all, yes, you can definitely miss the things you don't want any more. You miss the comfort, the easyness, the habits, the security. You miss knowing you've got someone who's got your back ( even if now you don't want specifically THAT person to get your back ). You miss the good bits ( whether it be a passionate sex life, or your partner's quirky sense of humour ). Just, the good parts may not be enough to carry a whole relationship on.
Second, no, it 's not something that you have done wrong in these 3 months. Tt's not because you left a strand of hair in the shower. Obviously, living together brings to the forefront many little things that one can ignore not living together - so ? if you have to live together all your life, you have to take it for granted that this person will have quirks and habits that will annoy you, and that she won't be always bright, chipper and spunky like a TV host. If you dump someone because he / she does not put the toothpaste cap back on, it's not really about the toothpaste per se, it's that you don't love him/ her enough to accept him/her as a normal human being with flaws and imperfections.
Finally, I would move OUT, if not on yet. As you said, it must be torture for you. And it's a torture that you stand to make life easier for HIM- so he can have his cake and eat it too. He won't have to really BE in the relationship, he won't have to work at it and try to rekindle the spark- because he won't have to REALLY miss you, to really have a taste of how life without you is going to be. So he won't be able to decide if life without you is what he really wants,because he gets to keep the part he still cares about ( affection, companionship, camaraderie ) and he only has to do without the things that probably have gone AWOL on their own anyway,which led him to break up ( passion,butterflies in the stomach, novelty and excitement etc... )
I think it's normal, albeit lamentable, that after 5 years the I'm in love part gets dampened by routine, predictability, lack of challenge. The spark dies down, and it's I love you but I am not in love with you phase.
Now, it may be a transitory feeling , a temporary moment of crisis that will pass on his own - or it may be permanent, yet people may decide it's worth to keep the relationship alive also without fireworks and emotional " special effects " .
Neither one will happen , though, until you stay around playing the fun understanding chipper housemate. Move out , and let him ( or, in fact, make him ) choose : either with you or without. Either IN a real relationship, or OUT.This let's all be friends stuff never works and only fuels false hopes, misunderstandings and mutual resentments.
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