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*sisayers82
writes: My boyfriend , of six weeks, called me a little over 2 weeks ago and said that he thought "maybe we should break up." So, I said okay fine we're broken up and left it like that. The next day he came by my house, apologized profusely and wanted to get back together. Of course I took him back, I love him. But ever since we broke up the first time he's been distant, he doesn't call as often. We went from spending hours on the phone to having 15 minute phone calls, and I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks. This caused me to question whether he really wanted to be with me. Last Friday night, I asked him if he wanted to break up because I felt as though he really meant it the first time and then changed his mind because he felt guilty. After acting shocked by my question, he discussed it for an hour and then finally admitted that he didn't want to be in a relationship right now. He said that he wanted to focus on school. We're both seniors in college and we will both be applying to law school in the Fall. Now we're broken up but he wants to remain "friends". If we're just going to be friends then why is it that he still tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me? We still talk on the phone every night, and every night he tells me that he made this decision for the both of us. Actually, now we talk on the phone more than we had been talking for the two weeks prior to our official break-up. This has been really hard on me. On Saturday night I told him that I needed some time to get over this before I could be his friend and that I thought we shouldn't talk for a while because I didn't want to turn angry and bitter. I just needed time to deal and he said he was fine with this' but then later that same night he kept calling me and text messaging me saying that we needed to talk. I didn't answer until I was ready because I didn't want him to hear me crying over the phone. Anyways, when I finally answered he was really angry at me for not answering the phone before, and he said that he'd never have ducked-and-dodged me like that. Was that what I was doing? I thought that I was just trying to deal with my own emotions. I don't understand why I'm the bad guy just because I won't pretend that I'm okay with this. Well despite the fact that I was really, really upset, somehow he was able to convince me not to cut him off and to try and move past this. How did he manage this amazing feat? He did it by making me feel like I was being selfish. He told me that he wouldn't be okay if we weren't friends, and that the only way that he'd be able to get through this and believe that he'd made the right decision is if I supported him. How am I supposed to support this? He gave me that old line about having to be cruel to be kind, and said that if he seemed cruel right now it was only because he is thinking long-term about our future happiness and our life together; but then he followed that statement with this whole yarn about how he doesn't want me to be a hermit and pine away for him because the future is uncertain. He said he wouldn't blame me if I wasn't willing to wait on him and found someone else because he didn't expect other people to understand him, or to do things the way that he does things. Is it just me or have I been getting the run-around? How can he tell me that he believes in me, and that I'm the only person there for him, the only person that he can really talk? How can he tell me all of these things and then tell me that he doesn't want to be with me right now? I know it seems, like we weren't dating long enough to be in love, but I truly believe that I am in love with him. We were talking marriage, kids and our own separate careers after law school and he's the one that broached the subject. He's the one that told me that he'd caught himself wondering what type of wedding dress I'd like after seeing one of those wedding dress fashion shows on TV, and he's the one that asked me what size ring I wear on my ring-finger. I do want to be there for him if he needs me, but I'm not sure if I should only be thinking about him right now. I don't know what type of toll this could take on me. I don't know if our friendship would be a healthy one for me to be in, and just to be honest I don't know if I'm strong enough to be his friend right now. And, I'm afraid that I am not being fair to myself, and that I'm going to have to internalize all of my fears and my own misgivings about this ambiguous relationship he's asking for because I love him and I don't want to lose him. Should I be friends with him, or not? Do you think that he's just playing mind-games, or should I just wait and see? I really need an outsider's perspective on this. Sincerely, Young and in Love
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female
reader, loveangel  +, writes (9 May 2008):
hi! first of all congratulations for having such high goals, law school is awesome!....your post caught my attention because when i was in my first year of law school i had your same experience, same exact one! My advice is the following, law school is very hard and my advice is to stay single because you are going to be studying a lot and you will have so many responsabilities that you are not gonna have enough time to be in a relationship, however, if u are with someone during those three years, pick someone that loves u and supports u and is very patient, not someone that plays games with you, because even if he is trying to be kind, hes losing your trust and you are losing your confidence. Tell him how you feel and what you expect of a relationship, if he still says he wants you as a friend, move on! and be firm, otherwise he's gonna consider you weak and will continue calling you forever telling you he loves you but acting a different way. "what is meant to be will find its way" so do your thing and become an awesome lawyer, if its meant to be we will come right after you, if not, im sure something better will come along. xo (in my case, im graduating in a month and he still has one more year left of med school...i still love him, and he still calls me but i never pick up because i decided im not going to be anyones doormat. well girl hope this helps you, just wanted to give you a little support cuz your going to need it. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Hey, I am sorry to hear about your problem. I have only one thing to say. Break up with him and cut him out of your life. Tell him till his mind become stable he needs to stay away from you. It sounds like he is giving you too much to think about while he is very unstable between his emotions and his fears, mind etc.
take care of your self
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): I dont like the sounds of him at all.he sounds abit nutty.Theres lots of guys out there like that.My advice is make a clean break and get away from this guy that doesnt want u as his gf but still wants to control u.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): I dont like the sounds of him at all.he sounds abit nutty.Theres lots of guys out there like that.My advice is make a clean break and get away from this guy that doesnt want u as his gf but still wants to control u.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): Young and in love,
No matter what age you are and how much experience you have had , you will realize that there is no certainity in the outcome in the game of love.
When we are in relationships ,only time and experience can truly tell what is genuine and what is not.
The best way out of any dilemma is just to be true to yourself. If it does not feel right, it is not right. Let it go. If it makes you a happier , freer and more resourceful person . hold on to it no matter what.
In this case if you are confused by this boy's action, it is not a healthy place to be. Let it go and find your peace.
If he is unable or unwilling to give you that emotional security that you need right now to launch your career. Let him go... and fill your head with lovely thoughts of you and your future career.
He may be genuinely confused himself. The fact that you love him does not necessarily mean that you can help him out of his immaturity. Trying to love him more or fix him, will only distract you from your own peace and self worth.
Speak frankly to him about your perceptions. Be firm in telling him what you expect out of your relationship and if he falls short of giving you that...move on.You wont be able to help him if you dont love yourself.
When my friend of four years ,who I became involved with two months ago, called me on the phone to say 'let us be friends , you are too clingy."' I hung up on him. I cried my heart out because I really loved him and respected him and had just decided to take our relationship to the other level.
But then half an hour later, I told him frankly that I thought his strategy was plain cruel. He broke down on the phone and opened up to me what his real fears were about the future of our relationship. Those fears had merit, but even though I understood and it brought us even closer , I personally have not stopped loving him. I love him even more for revealing his concerns for me which prompted him to do it. He really loves me and his afraid of losing me.
But.... I am afraid that the strategy he used has totally took me by surprise and it hurts like hell. I have lost confidence in his ability or willingness to be there for me unconditionally in the future.
For now , I am acting cooly , loving him but with no real desire to be totally committed to him in the near future.
Only time will tell....
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reader, Isisayers82 +, writes (27 May 2007):
Isisayers82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for being so supportive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): Hi I really understand what you are going through, as recently my "boy-friend" of about 2 months decided we should be great friends, despite saying how wonderful, nice, pretty, and how jealous he would be when I meet someone else.... but the only thing is I still have feelings for him and am not keen to be just "great friends". Infact I'd rather just be nothing.. and just put it down to experience. I think he is feeling guilty... and I have no idea what is bothering him and he does not want to try "fix" whatever the issue may be... as he hasn't discussed it. So it could be 1001 things which I am trying to guess in my head making myself crazy. So I think its best to move on, otherwise you'll just be stuck in a vicious circle and may loose out from meeting someone else .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): Hello well the same thing is happening to me also, we broke up before also, and went back, now it's been a month and 2 weeks into it, he calling, blocking, number, texing, he loves me, and wants to be friends, I don't think we should , let them see for once what they are missing, if it's meant he'll come back.
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (21 June 2005):
Dear Young & in Love,I read your story & I believe you are a VERY intelligent young lady !You have this guy ALMOST figured out...Bravo for you !I have witnessed relationships similar to what you experienced.It sounds to me, as if this guy is calling all the shots and he expects you to follow along like a sheep behind him.If you speak up & protest, he tries to make you feel guilty and selfish...that is NOT LOVE !You may love him, but honey...he does NOT love you, because he doesn't understand the meaning of the word.You have been patient & understanding but somewhere along the path, you lost your self-respect by letting him manipulate you...It's time to take back your Power !I dont' believe you can be "friends" with someone who constantly tries to control you & "act cruel to be kind"That line he gave you is a bunch of CRAP !But I do believe in TOUGH LOVE, which is what you need to exercise at this point in your life.You are enabling him to continue playing headgames & he's causing confusion in your spirit & pain in your heart.I repeat...THAT IS NOT LOVE !Trying to be friends with him is self-sabotaging...it will prevent you from healing & getting on with your life.At one point he acts like he doesn't want you & breaks up with you, then gets back together with you...then breaks up again & tells you he wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to wait for him...BUT THEN he turns around & says he pictures you in a wedding dress & talks about a ring !That whole game he's playing is CRUEL & MANIPULATIVE.If I were you, I would get in touch with my anger, and let it propel you forward...end the relationship...refuse to be friends with him...refuse to accept his phonecalls & refuse to communicate with him in any way at all !You told him at one point, that it's difficult for you to be friends with him & it's wise for him to stop calling.He is FURIOUS & accuses you of "duck & dodge."A truly DECENT guy would RESPECT your feelings & give you space...give you time to get perspective...allow healing.His response is typical of an abusive personality.He breaks up with you, but expects you to be right by phone to answer each & every one of his calls? Rubbish !Go out with your girlfriends honey...dancing, movies, dinners...laugh again...enjoy your independance & freedom.Don't compromise your self-respect for anyone !Be true to yourself, and some day you will find a man of integrity, who will absolutely adore & cherish you !Bless your sweet heart.
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reader, robinlovescena +, writes (21 June 2005):
 ok, if it didnt work out with going out, then being just friends id what you should try. it disnt work out, so being friends is a good thing. i know that it is hard to look at him as a friend when you love him but trust me, it will get better trust me. I have been going out with this guy named eric for over a month now and before he asked me out we were literally best friends, and after he asked me out and i said yes, i felt kinda weird being around him. i mean it was strange going out with my best friend, but i told myself that it would get better, and it did. so trust me with this one good luck~Robin~aka advice gurl
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