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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been living together for 13 years. For several months now he has treated me more like the maid than anything else - no physical attention or kind words, he sleeps on the couch (because his snoring is so bad) and snaps at the littlest things. He's very lazy when it comes to anything around the house. He never lifts a finger to do anything but if it's something for anyone else in the world, he jumps. He expects me to do everything - cook, clean, wash all his clothes ... We both work full time and are hard workers. He has done very nice things though, such as building our house and buying me a car. He said the car was a gift to make up for all the attention he has not given me for so long. I don't want to break up but I do want to regain love, respect and cooperation around the house so I don't feel like the maid. How do I do that or is it a lost cause? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2005): It seems your BF is just getting emotionally lazy and taking what he has for granted. He is depriving you by not being attentive, expressive, affectionate, supportive, caring, loving.He needs to realize that being there physically is not enough. He has to understand that your relationship will not thrive if he withdraws emotionally for extended periods of time. In order to be fully present, we must be aware of our partner and be willing to show how we feel both verbally and non-verbally. Expressing love though affection and caring behaviors are crucial to keeping a relationship strong and vibrant. Small regular doses of intimacy will usually suffice, and the most important times of day to communicate positively are upon waking, upon reuniting after a long day, and before going to sleep.
You telling him all the above is not working. He's just not getting it. I think you should consider getting some couple counselling where a trained professional can lay this all on the line for him. Problems can be used as lessons; we can choose to learn from them, and find a better way. Try this route first and hopefully, life will improve. If he chooses not to meet you halfway..your relationship will eventually fail; he needs to know how serious this is and how much it is hurting you. Good luck
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (10 August 2005):
Your boyfriend doesn't sounds like a particulary bad person, just a little thoughtless. I'd be interested to know whether his behaviour has changed to being selfish recently, or whether this pattern of behaviour has always been present? You have obviously been together for a long periods, over such periods it is possible that your partner may start taking the relationship for granted.
His gestures do show genuine affection, however this obviously isn't the support that you require. At the moment you are feeling resentful that you are working hard inside and outside the home. However, your boyfriend must surely be aware that there are problems; he has given you a kind, though material gesture in an attempt to resolve the conflict.
I think that you need to discuss your expectations of the relationship with your boyfriend, to ensure that you are both striving towards the same goals. You state that he expects you to do everything- has he stated this explicitly, or is it simply that you pick up his dirty washing with a resigned sigh and expect no help? Do you ask him for assistance, or complain? Nagging will probably antagonise him. However if you make a time to sit down and emphasis how important this issue is to you, he will realise the seriousness of the situation and hopefully you can reach satisfactory conclusion.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (10 August 2005):
You will have to tell him that rather than buying you cars to clear his conscience, he needs to pay you more attention. Tell him what you want from the relationship and work ouyt how you can achieve this together.
He must know he has been neglecting your needs if he bought the car.
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