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male
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anonymous
writes: My fiancee have been dating for 1 year and 1/2. We plan to marry after she completes school. My problems lie within the family. I respect her father very much and got along with both parents until something terrible brewed up. She has a 19 year old sister. She was a very depressed and distraught young woman. She quit school at the age of 16. She has never set goals in which she could accomplish and was popping pills to get high. She wrecked her car while drinking, the car by the way was bought by her parents. She always went for guys who had a good job or a nice car, I guess someone who would take care of her. She never held a job more than a week. She wont even get a GED. She puts her parents thru terrible heartache, from the depression to popping pills to drinking. She would always put herself in positions where she would regret. She claims 3 guys raped her at a party, and a guy her sister lived across from in an apartment complex took advantage of her. Anyway, Her sister and I would always try to encourage her to set goals, go back to school. I thought myself as an older brother. Her mom would always ask me to talk to her because she seemed to listen to me. Well, one day out of the blue, she calls her sister and asks her to come to the house. She goes over there and tells her that I tried taking advantage of her, and that we had sex. She stated that she has proof from internet conversations that we had. I did talk to her on occasion on a chat room however nothing out of the ordinary like "hi How you doin" sort of talk. She never showed proof of any of this. My girlfriend was very shocked as I was too. She spoke to friends of hers who know her sister and they got her to come to her senses and realize that she has lied for some unknown reason. She had no proof she claimed to have. I was hurt by this. I merely just wanted to be there for her, after all she was a troubled teen. However, I thought of a lot of positions I put myself into where she could make up stories of these. I took her to the hospital at 3 am one night after her ex puched her in the face. She would come visit her nephew who lived with me while her sister was at school. I would take her home when she had been drinking, not that she was drunk, just didn't want to risk it. Nothing happened during these times however she did become flirtatious at times, and sometimes in front of her sister. I just thought that it was her normal teenage self. Well, her mother hates me and believes every word of her daughter, her father doesnt know what to believe other than his family is torn apart. My girlfriend who I love very much is being torn between her family and myself. Her sister tries to come over to the house to use my computer. I don't allow her sister to come to the house. So she starts these lies over again. What should I do? I love my soon to be wife very much and her child. Am I doing something wrong? How should I support her? Please Help!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2006): I have carried out a useful research experiment for my PhD to get the person lying realise that it was not good to lie. It worked! If you are interested in helping a PhD student setting up a lie detection experiment for research, please email me at [email address blocked]
A
female
reader, Doodles +, writes (10 August 2005):
First of all, i'd like to apologise of this reply is no help to you, but i will try my best.
I can really relate to this issue in a few ways. Me and my older sister went through alot in the last few years, but she is a much stronger person then me. My sister is in her second big relationship and is a very well grounded young lady,who i aspire too greatly, where as i, on the other hand, came out of the storm, anything but unmarked.
Now, where as i can not pass judgement or even try and imagine what your girlfriends sister is like as a person, i will tell you the image i'm getting from your letter.
It sounds to me that her sister may be jelous of her, for whatever reason - maybe because she can't hold down a job or a relationship, or because she has regrets about how she has handled things (Dropping out of school, etc) Wich would make one very resentfull, bitter.. against themselfs. She may be envyous of the relationship you two have, the way her sisiter has got herself together, how her sister is moving on. She may even want her,her sister and her parents to, maybe be more of a family,and the reason she has said what she's said about you is she may feel your getting in the way of that?
I doubt i can help much, whatever the true reason for why what is happening, is happening, but i can say this, if your fiancee loves you the way you blantanly love her, she will see you wont of done what you've been accused of, but bear in mind, depending on the relationship her and her sister have, be prepared that even if she believes you, she could stick my her sister, as there's obvoiusly something wrong,something she needs to talk to someone about, and in that case you must stick with her 100%. Try to avoid being alone with her sister as this could be an oppurtunity for more lies on her behalf, but at the same tim, be there for her like you always have been.
Dont let there parents see you blow off etc, as right now you need to proove you can handle things, and how ever angry you get, don't bad mouth there daughter infront of them.
Hope it's helped in some way,if only a tiny bit of it made any difference.
And remember everything works out in the end, you just have to let time play it's toll, and do what you believe is right.
*Apologies for any typo's
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2005): There's not a lot you can do now. The damage has been done. Unless, you have had witnesses at these times that she is accusing you of the wrongdoing..it will always be a "he said/she said" scenario. Best thing is to lay low-stay away from her and hopefully she will "discredit" herself eventually and the truth will come out. People who lie have an over-inflated sense of self, crave attention and praise and feel a compulsive need to be respected. They feel no guilt or remorse about hurting or deceiving people. Basically they are very angry individuals and are unable to recognise the rights or dignity of others. Instead, they see everyone as targets ...and it's very difficult to prove they have lied because some are so good at it. Surely your fiancee has seen how she flirts with you and is likely doubting her sister accusations. Let this run it course and make sure in the future, you are never alone with this woman. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2005): One Man's Point of View:
This one's easy. Since this will eventually cause an extreme rift between your fiance and yourself do the right thing now and end it. Can you imagine being across the table from this girl when shes 30 burned up and used over and over with her pulling the same stunts? Forget it!
Also as soon as the mom hates you -- the relationship is doomed.
Now for the silver lining. Be sure to to get plenty of drinks into her troubled sister and live out all your 19 year old girl fantasies while you're at it. Oh and if you feel like it make a couple passes at mom, it might make her feel good.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (10 August 2005):
Surely they dont truly believe this girls lies as she has lied about similar things in the past.
Talk to them and tell them the the truth. If they dont know about any aspects of their daughters wayward activities, then now is the time to tell them.
They probably just dont want to admit that their own daughter is a lying, drug using waster.
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