A
male
age
41-50,
*arren1974
writes:I am a 36 year old gay bloke who has been with my partner for over 18 months. In november my partner moved to be near my family and i moved into the house with him. Ever since we have been together he can get moody, and when in a bad mood will put me down in front of people. He has a very nice side, but over the past couple of months there always seems to be some excuse for his bad moods. He has had a troubled up bringing, and had problems through his life.However, i have given him my entire heart, but no matter what i do for him it isnt enough. Im always the operson in the wrong, and i am always the one who apologises after an arguement even qwhen it isnt my fault.Since moving into the house i have cookede everyday, cleaned, washed clothes, you name it ive done it. Ive even decorated most of the house. I did not receive one word of gratitude, but all i get from him is "how much he has done for me moving to be close to my family"Recently he pushed me too far with his constant "put downs" in front of people. Until now i had kept my mouth shut. However i got to the extent that i was like a pressure cooker, and my temper exploded. In front of his friend i shouted at him, and told him that i was not putting up with his constant criticism and put downs any more. ~Yes i did go a bit OTT with the shouting, but i had had enough. At this stage my partner told me i was acting like a 2 yr old. This ignited my temper further, and i threw a wet cloth at him.This row resulted in me moving back to my mothers. Since the row my partner has accused me of being completely in the wrong, and he says that throwing the wet cloth was a form of violence.I do love him but as ive said he will never admit he has been one bit in the wrong. He ever tells me what clothes to wear etc. I think he is controlling and have confronted him about this. ~I do love him, but dont know what to do. We are talking but as per usual it is all my fault. He blames me for him moving down to a place he didnt really want to move to. He's blaming me for the row. He blames me for almost everything, and takes his temper out on me. I am just supposed to accept it when he puts me down, or insults me. What should i do??????????
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (18 January 2011):
Your partner is being emotionally abusive to you. Emotional abuse IS abuse. Just because there aren't bruises or broken bones, doesn't mean it is not abuse. But unfortunately it often goes unnoticed or unadmitted even by the victims themselves simply because of the lack of bruises and broken bones. The first step to doing something is to recognize that this is what it is.
I'm no psychiatrist but from your post it sure sounds like your partner is showing classic signs of being an emotional abuser: he is controlling, putting you down and humiliating you both in private and in public, blaming you for everything, witholding affection or signs of respect, wide mood swings...
And you're showing symptoms of a victim: always giving in trying to appease your partner, apologizing even when you're not the one at fault, meanwhile resentment and anger is building up inside until you one day explode in an over the top way.
Emotional abuse often occurs in cycles. If the abuse was constant and never ending, it would be "easier" to leave a relationship. But usually there are periods of good times or relative peace and calm, then the abuse happens, builds up to a boiling point, then goes back to calm for awhile again...
here's a link that has more information. the first step is to be aware of your situation and see it for what it is
http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
There's little you can do to change someone who has an abusive personality, unfortunately. They have deep seated personal issues (like your partner) which is not their fault that they had a rough childhood but still they have to look within themselves and recognize that they have serious issues and be willing to get help for themselves.
All you can do is point out to them that their behavior is really affecting you and ask them to seek counseling.
But usually such people refuse to believe that there's anything wrong with them. Usually the advice given is for victims to leave the relationship because unless the abuser decides to get help for themselves to change their destructive ways, the abuse usually gets worse over time. Emotional abuse may escalate into physical abuse too.
Try to talk with your partner about these issues and suggest counseling, but be prepared for him to refuse and make this more reason to blame you for something. If so, you may want to consider leaving him. Or, maybe you could get some professional counseling for yourself to help you to cope with the situation if you choose to stay, or to decide if you are ready to leave the relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I'm not sure whether there is any more mileage in your relationship. You appear to be doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking, with a little humiliation along the way. You sank your irritations deep so the relationship would work and, understandably, you flip over a small thing which was the culmination of too much stress. As you appear to be the only one really trying to make this work, I would say that only heartache is ahead. You may be better off without him.
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A
female
reader, LostInMyself +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Oh sweetheart! I'm so sorry you are going through this!
Was he always like this? Don't you think that maybe you are in love with the idea of him? With whom he was before? You do not deserve someone who puts you down and I would advice you to stay at your mum's for a while so you can get some rest and peace and so that he can learn to appreciate you. what he is doing, putting you down and making you feel worthless is another form of abuse, psychological abuse... is that the way you want to spend your life? Maybe you feel sorry for him and that is why you stayed with him? Maybe you feel guilty making him move and then leaving him? -- If you do this is not really love sweety. You sound more scared and sorry for him than anything. Think about it , you are still young and if he cant learn to value you, others sure will. Stay strong, stand your ground, and build some space between you two.
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