A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:A work friend is having an affair. She is 45 he is 52. When she first started seeing him she quietly told me he was married that he was just a bit of fun but asked me to keep it Hush Hush. Over the past few months she has openly discussed what they do, people at work see him as the boyfriend but in actual fact he is living and married to his wife of 25years. To give you an idea she told us all recently he arrived at her place for a booty call 6.30 am recently, she was laughing carrying on like a school girl.She is very open,It's like she has blocked out the fact he is married. Some months have past by, then yesterday he came to the workplace whereby she introduced him to the team, of course everyone is happy for her because they think he is the boyfriend meanwhile I'm gobsmacked at how open they are being, it makes me feel sick inside.It is so difficult to express happiness in front of the team, it is making me look like I am not happy for her. Not sure how to handle this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): "like she has blocked out the fact he is married"
She may be having emotional problems of her own, and she probably has "blocked this out" and the pain she is helping to cause.
I agree with the poster telling you to "talk to her", do it in a nonthreatening manner, tell her that whatever is going on with her she is "helping to cause a lot of damage" and "supporting someone else in their hurtful actions".
Suggest she read "Surviving the Affair", it may help her look at herself in the mirror some day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I agree that your friend most likely set herself up for pain down the road.
I think that you should tell her how you feel, but I don't think you should consider ending your friendship with her because of this. Look at it from another perspective for a minute, love is blind... life is complicated.... you don't know the inside facts about the guys marriege. Maybe your friend and the guy weren't meant to be together, but maybe after all, they were! No one can predict the future. Don't judge. Warn your friend that, yes, the odds for a lasting healthy relationship are very small in this situation, but don't betray her trust in you. She shares her confidential info with you, bc she obviously needs a friend she can talk to. She is probably very confused deep down inside, and making the affair more open gives her some illusion of security. Tell her gently your opinion, but keep her secret safe! Having stress about your friendship will not help her to think more clearly. So if you want to be a good friend to her, you don't need to pretend you're happy for her, when you're actually more worried she is gonna get hurt. But ultimately its her decision, and you shouldn't judge her or her guy as bad people. Love can be complicated, and human behavior is too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): It is her problem and she probably is in denial. As he is being so open I wonder whether is wife knows, he may be a serial cheater and she just puts up with him, it happens. Your friend is probably going to be hurt in the long run but beyond telling her to be wary and setting out the pit falls, I think there is little you can do.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 January 2011):
 There are two ways to handle it, take her aside and tell her very firmly that if she still expects you to keep his marriage hush hush she needs to keep it out of your work place.
If she doesnt do that all previous requests for 'hush hush' are off and when she starts discussing the nitty gritties of their relationship, such as 6:30 booty calls you can ask her when he dumped his wife.
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A
male
reader, Dataluke  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Its a dilemma I myself have faced, morals or friendship?
The truth is there is no easy way to answer this, but I may have a way to help you.
Catch your friend by herself and talk to her. Express how uncomfortable you are about this and try to make her realise what she's doing wrong. Tell her she needs to break up with him or she will lose your respect and your friendship. If she cares about you then she will leave him.
If he's having trouble in his marriage then he should be working on it with his wife, not sleeping with her.
I hope it all works out.
All the best, Dataluke
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