A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been pretty good friends with this guy for a year. We had an instant attraction and we both have wanted to be just more than friends but he had a girl friend at the time so nothing happened but he's now single. We've been flirting and talking about starting something for a while now but haven't. See he has an ex who still lives with him. She's the mother of his kids and she moved out not too long ago but she got laid off from her job and is having trouble finding a new one. And she had no where else to go so he said she could stay there until she got back onto her feet. That alone makes me nervous but he said they haven't been sleeping in the same bed or anything and whenever I see him he's complaining of how tired and sore he is from sleeping on the couch.I don't know if I should get involved. I really want to but I honestly have no idea what to do. He did tell me over the weekend he isn't quite ready for a relationship and I agree with him. He needs to figure things out. He asked me if I'd be willing to do the whole friends with benefits thing until we could be in a relationship. I told him I'd think about it and I really really want to but I'm scared to do that because I'm a virgin. I've been giving him lame excuses as to why I won't have sex with him and I know he would never try pressuring me into anything. So yesterday I told him I was a virgin. He has a lot of experience in that department and it made me really nervous about telling him because I always think the worst and I thought he was going to laugh and be like I'm not dealing with that and walk away. But he was really cool about it saying it just meant that I had some catching up to do like it wasn't a big deal. Then I asked him if he cared that I'm a virgin and he said No and believe it or not it can be a good thing. He seems like a really good guy and I really want to do this but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. Not to mention I'm really self conscience because I'm pretty over weight and I have stretchmarks and I just feel disgusting whenever I'm naked. I'm working on losing weight but I know the stretchmarks will never go away. And he has an amazing body! He's really athletic and handsome. Part of me thinks it's impossible for him to like someone who looks like me but anyway I feel like if I waited to have sex with him until after we've been together for awhile then I would be more reassured that he wouldn't care about the stretchmarks. But a big part of me doesn't want to wait. I feel like my virginity is a burden and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I hope that doesn't sound bad on my part but with how society is today it's hard to be 22 and still be a virgin. I feel like people expect you to lose really early now.I just don't know if I should do the whole friends with benefits thing or what but does anyone have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I'm glad you turned him down. You did the right thing and good for you!
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (5 March 2012):
 If you're just asking whether it's okay to enter a FWB relationship as a virgin, then the answer is simply yes. Especially since you told him that you are a virgin.
Now, if you're asking for confirmation as to whether or not it seems like a good idea, then I would say no. It seems as though you may be harboring feelings for this guy in which case you may find yourself in a relationship where you never feel fully fulfilled.
You deserve the best, girl! Never forget that.
Oh, and on a side note: it's hard to be disgusted with your body and seek love/a lover at the same time. As RuPaul says, "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Girl, please I am a virgin and I'm 26- so there is nothing wrong with us! I just simply wont settle for any guy that came along. I have been in a long term serious relationship for a while now, and I will be having sex soon...and boy, am I glad I waited as this man is perfect.
Anyways, if my man had said to me in the beginning that he would have sex with me until he was ready to have a relationship, i can tell you his arse would have been out that door so damn fast. I don't let men cheapen me like that and neither should you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided I'm not going to go through with it. I honestly think I would really regret it and all of you guys are right if he actually cared he wouldn't have offered FWB at all. Thanks for your opinions I appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 "...he said they haven't been sleeping in the same bed or anything and whenever I see him he's complaining of how tired and sore he is from sleeping on the couch...."He tells you some stuff and you swallow it whole. You don't know the woman, but if he says they aren't together, you just believe him. I bet if he's sleeping on the couch, he's on the bottom and his woman is on top.You say your tired of being a virgin, because you believe everyone else is having sex. Yep, sure many girls do start young, (some as young as 14, even 12) them are the girls that never tell you about the pain, the regrets the shame, especially when they lost it to some guy, who lies about their girlfriend. The guy fucks them, dumps them, and boasts to all his friends about the "cherry" he's just popped and they all have a good laugh. Usually when you have a proper boyfriend, who loves you, spends time to get to know you, such scenes are avoided, and he cares enough to actually be slow and tender and tries hard not to hurt you. FWB who have sex with virgins might not give a damn how you feel, the only care about if the sex is good for them. Maybe that's why he say's not bothered about your virginity. Nice boyfriends get bothered and come here to Dear Cupid asking for advice on how to make their virgin girlfriend feel nice.You say he sounds like a nice guy. He's not. Nice guys don't offer virgins a FWB. Nice guys know that virgins will get hurt physically and emotional, so they turn them down or try to help them get a proper boyfriend who treats them nice. Getting rid of your virginity is one thing. Getting rid of your virginity to a guy who already has a woman, who tells you that your not good enough to date (bullcrap about he is too delicate for a relationship, then he has no business playing mind games with a woman who is worried about her body image and sexual status.)Sorry, you want advice. Tell the guy that your not interested, your worth more than a quick sex thing, you want the romance, the love and the rest of the stuff that many women long for.As for his poor little old back, tell him to save up and buy one of them blow up air mattress beds... but I don't think he really needs it, he probably tired and sore from all the sex he's getting. That's the other thing, in FWB he can sleep with you, he can sleep with her, he can sleep with everybody. He will be your first, but you might be girl number 7 for the week.Funny how he always complains about that, one would think he's trying to manipulate you and gain your sympathy? You'll regret it if you let this loser use you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
 If we change the name from Friends with benefits to FUCK BUDDIES does it make it easier to say NO?
you are a virgin you don't need an FWB...
just say NO
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 March 2012):
 DON'T. He only wants you for sex, whenever he gets "the urge."
Friends with benefits is wrongly named: You're NOT friends; and the benefits are all for the man - unless one happens to be a woman who loves sex and expects nothing more
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): you are a virgin... he has hit jackpot.. and he might be trying really hard to get you to bed.. don't fall for his stupid i'm not ready for a relationship act.. he's not ready for a relationship but wants a friend with benefit.. meaning you are good enough to be FWB but not relationship material..
all he wants is a good f**k.. then he's going to dump you..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 March 2012):
 You write (quote): "....does anyone have any advice?"Yes... I have advice. You say to this guy, "I value myself as a person, enough so that I will NOT just be your convenient vagina, so that YOU can pleasure yourself at the expense of MY self-respect."Then you say, "If you really like and value me.... then become single and available,... and THEN approach me for friendship.... and I will consider that.... AND if that friendship becomes especially rewarding FOR ME.... and results in my wanting to be closer to you.... THEN we can become closer..... and - after a suitable time for wooing and courtship - I will CONSIDER to be intimate with you."Somehow, when you deliver that message to a guy, it has the effect of filtering out those guys who believe that you are a recepticle for their semen.... and those who actually think that you are a REAL person (a WOMAN!) who they would like to be close to and friends with....Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I think you are selling yourself short. You are wotrth more than a FWB relationship. Don't be the rebound...
Just my opinion..
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I wouldn't do it. That whole let's be FWB until I'm ready for a relationship line has been used over and over and over again by many a guy interested in getting laid. If you want to date him, you can tell him you want to wait until he's ready to date. You don't want to lose your virginity to someone who wants nothing more than sex. For one, he probably won't be very interested in how you're feeling or your pleasure, he just wants sex. And if he can get that without all the work of pleasuring you or of a relationship, why should he work harder?
You shouldn't be embarrassed to be a virgin. What would be more embarrassing is to fall for a guy's line. I know you think he's not pressuring you, but he IS pressuring you. He's playing the nice sensitive card big time. Don't fall for it, just wait for someone you care about and who cares about you back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): OP if there is even the slightest chance that you will develop feelings for this guy who has no intention of ever being in a relationship with you (or he wouldn't have offered to only be FWB's) then it's not a good idea.
Sure you will get to have sex, you may even get it regularly but what happens if you gain feelings for him and he turns around and says he doesn't feel the same?
If you're okay with being picked up and thrown away once he's done with you then go ahead.
Just know we guys don't ask girls to be FWB's if we want anything else with them. To most women asking that is a dealbreaker and it cheapens them and we lose our chance.
He has basically told you, that you're only good for casual sex in his eyes.
If you're okay with that then go ahead. But just know there is no chance in hell he is only sleeping on the couch. He will and still does sleep in bed with her and have sex with her, eve if it's only when they're drunk.
As far as being overweight, a virgin and having stretchmarks well believe it or not you're normal. We all pretty much have things like that. I used to be overweight, used to be a virgin and have had deep stretchmarks over a large area of my body since I was a teenager. Partners don't really care about that kind of thing OP.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 March 2012):
 If you really want a relationship with this guy, then DO NOT have sex with him and become a FWB.
Once you have sex, he already has what he wants, and then he will never be 'ready' or in the right place to have a relationship with you.
As Honeypie says, you will end up being the rebound, someone he can go to for sex, but not good enough to invest emotional effort into.
Do you really want your first time to be with someone who is not prepared to wait until he is 100% emotionally available for you?
*hugs* I know it is hard being an older virgin from my own personal experiences. But please think, and do not just throw it away because he is offering. When you meet someone who loves you it will be worth the wait.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2012):
 You really want to have your first time with a guy who doesn't take you serious enough to date you, but just to sleep with you?
Honestly, I think you are selling yourself short.
There is nothing wrong in being a virgin at 22. And there is nothing wrong in waiting for the guy you WANT to share this with. If you WANT him to be the one, go for it. However, I think it's unwise. He just broke up with someone, which would make you the "rebound" - you might realise that you have stronger feelings for him then he has for you and then YOU will be the one with the regrets.
Just saying.
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