A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband had an affair with my best friend and is now in a relationship with her. I am absolutely devastated not only for myself but for my baby boy who as only been seeing his daddy for an hour or so a week. He say's he wasn't happy and he couldn't cope with family life or our little boy. I know we were so happy at christmas and it's only since January things haven't been right between us. His whole family have disowned him for what he as done. His mum seems to think that him saying he wasn't happy is an excuse for what he as done. He say's he doesn't feel the same about me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But I want him back and I know I need to move on and try and get on with my life. He is with her and I do believe that he as made a massive mistake and I believe his mum when she says that it's an excuse for what he as done but that doesn't change things at all. How do I move on, how do I stop crying and stop thinking about him all the time? We were together a long time...7 years and I can honestly say they were the best 7 years of my life. If he came back tomorrow I would take him back and I hate myself for feeling like this, I hate myself for still loving him and crying over him, I just don't know how he could hurt me so badly. Everyone keeps telling me that it will not last between them because they have got so much going against them and I hope they are right but I won't wait around for him, I can't wait for him to realise because I will go mad. Why do I want him back, why can't I hate him, he as done a terrible thing to me so why can't I just hate him. Any advice that will help please and it would be nice to hear from people that have been through this as well and from people that have done what my husband as done.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 May 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps he can't handle the responsibility and restrictions to his life that being a parent brings with it.
It does sound like that, a bit.
He wants to be free and easy but with no hassles, like having to stay at home every night and watch tv.
He can't handle it, he wants to have fun.
He ought to be much more mature now, than he is. But he doesn't seem to be.
I guess that if this other woman falls pregnant with his child, well then he'll be off again - saying what he did with you, that he wasn't happy.
Do you see a pattern forming?
It appears to be that he's not satisfied in just being in a loving relationship and with a family. He must be just wanting his freedom again. Just can't make up his mind.
Everything's alright with him, until his wings are clipped - responsibility. He wants to fly.
More than anything, I believe he has lost his way. He's very, very restless. He tires of situations quickly, which proves that.
And unfortunately, it's only him who can find his way again. No-one else can do it for him.
At this point in time, there is very little you can do. You can't force him to face up to his responsibility, or to come back to you again either.
The ball is in his court now. So only time will tell what is to be.
So in the meantime, try to make your own life as interesting and fun as it can be. Start seeing your friends again, start up some interests and hobbies, creative pursuits e.g. artistic or gardening, and make every day of your life to be full of passion and with a sense of purpose.
By doing this, it will distract you from unhappy thoughts about him. And you won't be moping about the house all the time.
Take yourself out for a walk once a day with your baby boy in the stroller and walk around your local neighbourhood - for say, about 30 minutes - and look at all the houses, gardens, trees and mother nature. Just enjoy the experience!
It's very therapeutic, will help you sleep well at night, and it is very helpful in combatting depression and negative thoughts. You might even get some intuitive thoughts about your situation, and that can definitely happen. It's like a meditation, and you will feel very relaxed afterwards as well.
Very positive all round.
You deserve better than this - what he's put you through - and so does your son. And accept nothing less than the best, because you deserve it.
Take care and best wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): "He say's he wasn't happy and he couldn't cope with family life or our little boy."
He isn't happy, but it isn't your fault, or the fault of the little boy, it is something much deeper in him that is the problem.
"I know we were so happy at christmas and it's only since January things haven't been right between us."
He wasn't happy and was hiding it. He probably has been hiding a lot of self issues from you. Christmas just drove home how unhappy he was internally, and exacerbated the situation.
"His whole family have disowned him for what he as done. His mum seems to think that him saying he wasn't happy is an excuse for what he as done."
They shouldn't do this, they should seek to understand what is going on in his head. People don't leave their wives (or husbands) and children without major issues.
"He say's he doesn't feel the same about me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me anymore."
He probably has extreme guilt and self loathing, but don't feel sorry for him, just try to understand it IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
"But I want him back and I know I need to move on and try and get on with my life."
Go on with life, but he may come back, the affair may burn itself out, and reality will set in. Be patient, don't stop loving, but do stop sexual activity with him (don't put yourself at risk as you have a child to be worried about and if he does come back make sure HIV and all other STD's are tested for before resuming sexual activity).
"He is with her and I do believe that he as made a massive mistake and I believe his mum when she says that it's an excuse for what he as done but that doesn't change things at all."
He has made a massive mistake, one that he may never recover from.
Don't hate him, never hate him, no matter what. Understand, live, don't hate as it will consume you. Don't allow resentment to take over as it will eat you up.
My wife had an affair, several years into our marriage, she was going through a terrible time in her life, all alone, all internal, not allowing anyone to know. The affair partner was an escape, an illusion, and he never got to know anything significant about my wife, never could have understood.
We survived, barely, we are together over 10 years later, she has terrible remorse, thinks terrible things about herself, which I don't think. We work on it every day.
Our marriage is solid. She loves our children. I love her. She loves me.
Live your life, love those you love, and don't fall victim to the despair that you feel.
READ a lot about these things.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 You love the man but you hate his behavior.
You will have to accept your needs, you want him back, understandably so, you have a long history, a marriage.
If for now you just accept that you want him back it may elevate your emotional wailing wall. You need to do that to get your emotional life safe and sound. You can't think clearly if you are trying to convince yourself that you should hate him, you don't, nothing wrong with that.
Once you decide to keep on loving him, you will get to a place of calm where you can make better judgements and decision on how to proceed, but for now you need to accept your love.
You love the man you hate his behavior. Calm will come then you will be able to ask more questions.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Yes, it is very sad, and it will take you a long time to recover. So don't go rushing yourself. Also, it is hard to get over someone when you have a constant reminder of that person facing you every day, as in your son. When you start to recover, you will realise that you don't want that two-timing, cheating rat back. (Anger usually follows the sadness.) Then you will get stronger again and come to see that you can cope without him, and that life can be good, just you and your son. Then when you are happy in yourself, and life is cruising along nicely, some wonderful new man will come into your life and sweep you off your feet. Well, thats how it went for me anyway. Be kind to yourself xx
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Sounds like you are still going through the grieving process.
My instinct tells me that you hope that things will go up in flames with his new found love and that he'll come back to you. I understand your feelings because you do have significant history and a son.
I think at this point, you need to be kind to yourself and understand that you are going through an intense emotional process. I think you'd find it worthwhile to find support with friends and family at this time. If possible, you may want to see a therapist to sort out what you are thinking as well. In addition, you may want to explore a book store to see if there are any self-help books that apply to you and look like they might help.
In time, things will get easier, but definitely lean on your friends and family at this time.
Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): I am in the same situation as you, I found out a couple of weeks ago that my wife is (still actively) cheating on me. I love her dearly and find it difficult to hate her. I think you want your man back because you are still grieving the hurt and what has happened. I know it doesn't help much, but there are others going through the same thing as you right now and having the same thoughts and feelings that are crossing your mind. Hang in there!
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A
female
reader, GG96 +, writes (25 April 2011):
I'm gonna go out on a limb here, maybe you can't just hate him beacause you feel like theres more to the story and he still loves you. I can't give you perfect advice because i have never been in this situation, but maybe you should go to therapy and just talk it out. Once you get out all of your emotions it'll be easier to cope.
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