A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here is my story.I have been dating a co-worker for the past 14 months. He is 10 years older to me and single. 6 months into our relationship, I found out that he cheated on me with two other women physically. After I confronted him, and after a lot of accusations, drama, tears and explanations, he told me that he wouldn't do that again and I believed him.4 months after that I found out that he was chatting with women online - romantically. More drama and tears followed. This time, we had a really long conversation. We talked at length about why he did it. He told me that he has been making justifications to himself so as to carry on what he's been doing while knowing how wrong it is. He meets women, sleeps with them and then dumps them. And yes, he has had quite a number of girlfriends. He told me that he is glad I found out (I snooped on his emails and facebook account) as he realized what he's been doing. He told me that he hasn't been faithful to any girl all these years.He told me that none of his previous girlfriends found out all that I found out (which is a lot). He told me that after seeing himself through my eyes, he's had enough and that he is going to stop cheating and wants to be a better person. He told me that he wants to do this for himself, for me and for our relationship.He also told me that he wants to make this relationship work and he asked me to be with him as he's getting rid of his habit of womanizing. After a lot of thought, I decided to give him one last chance. We promised to start a new relationship. He asked me to stop thinking about his past and to try rebuilding my trust in him and he would do his part in making sure that he is worthy of my trust this time round.After that day, I noticed changes in him. He talks to me about his family, his jobs, his fears and doubts. We never really had serious, long conversations before but now we do. He's become more attentive towards me and so on.He changed the passwords to his email and facebook account, but I guessed the new ones and still snoop on him (He is not aware of it), and I haven't found out anything suspicious. The problem is, I am not able to forget his past and how he cheated on me. He is a good person and has always treated me nicely. But the fact is, he was a womanizer and hasn't been faithful to any of his past girlfriends. I know people can change but I get really paranoid thinking about his past. Maybe he really wants to change and will stop cheating this time. I don't know. I'm going crazy thinking about it. I keep asking him of his whereabouts and what he does, and he explains everything to me. Even though I promised I won't talk to him about his past, sometimes when I'm upset with him, I start talking about it and he gets real angry but he still continues to answer all my questions. After that, I start crying and promise not to talk about his past again, and then after a few days I do it again.I love him. And I really want to start trusting him again. Coz I can see that he is cooperating. He can easily just dump me like he dumped the other women. And even though I am no longer the happy, cheerful girlfriend that I used to be, he still wants to be with me. We still have good times but there are plenty of bad times too. I start fighting with him, accusing him, crying, questionning him and yet he wants to be with me. Why? Does he really love me like he says he does?He wants to make this work and his actions indeed prove it. I want to make this work too, but I'm struggling to let go of the past.Any advice will be appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): I will have to save this because I am going through the same thing. The only difference is that my man doesnt see anything wrong with emotional cheating. He thinks there is nothing wrong as long as he is not having sex. He is impressed of how much information I got about him cos' no other girl have ever caught him but he insist that I stop because it is only hurting our relationship. How about he needs to stop. He otld me he is working on it like yours said but I still have proof he is talking to only one woman out of the bunch.
After one and a half years, I called it quit last two weeks. This is to teach him a lessona nd to put my foot down that I will not be a part of his stupidity. Each time I thin of him romancing these women on fb or email I get really angry. Not really jealous but upset because I know I can do better. But the love I have for me surmounts any love I have ever felt for anybody else. I was surprised that I had the courage to break it off. But I did. He has reached out to me twice but I have ignored him. People say we will get back together. But what he has done has damaged us and the trust we have so if there is any possibility of reconciliation, I want to be just friends with him first and let him prove himself to me before we get back romantically.
In your case, I think you should be lucky that he admited his mistake and you have not found any proof that he is doing anything. Until then if you really love him, then you jsut have to forgo the past or seek counselling to help you both. People do change but I hope he did for himself and not for you orelse he may go back to square one with the way you have been acting insecured lately.
A
male
reader, tottenhamhotspur  +, writes (17 April 2012):
Noone is perfect, and few people find their partner's pasts 'perfect' - part of a relationship is accepting that both of you have made mistakes in your life and are working on the now.
However, this isn't just his past. He has lost your trust, and it doesn't look like he can get it back. You have to decide for yourself if you can ever look past it and trust him again. It's not just about looking past his past- its about redeveloping trust and feelings towards him that he really won't do it again. I can't speak for you- but it does sound like this is going to be hard for you.
You have to think about if you are willing to risk him cheating on you again and perhaps set up a boundry for yourself. How many times are you willing to forgive him? What do you expect out of him?
My person thoughts are that cheaters can change- but this is something you have to deal with together because he cheated on you. This isn't something in his distant past that was a part of who he WAS, it is obviously still having an effect on you.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 It's very nice he's decided to be a better person, but he decided this too late. He decided this after he'd already wrecked his relationship with you and destroyed the trust. Maybe he really has changed, but he can't undo that he cheated on you and hurt you. I think you should move on. If he really has changed and wants a new relationship, he should have that. With someone else.
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