A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been on and off with a man for almost a year. We care deeply for eachother but I sometimes feel he is taking the lend out of me. We arrange dates and outings but when the day arrives he always cancels and I am left feeling very low about myself. He tells me he wants to be with me but he never seems to do anything about it. I'm under the impression that I'm just someone to talk to and that he thinks il be there at the click of a finger. I want to believe everything he is telling me but I'm a strong believer that actions do speak louder than words. How can I tell him how I feel without sounding too clingy or petty. I can't be with someone who always has an excuse why he can't see me. It just won't work. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 what you have to tell him is basic relationship maintenance.
expressing it will not be needy or clingy but he may use it as an excuse to get out of something he doen't really want to be in...
You can't speak for how he feels only how you feel.
do not listen to his words (the only words you should listen to a man say to you is "I don't love you and don't want anything serious with you" sadly the opposite is not true for "i love you" unless they back it up with actions.
stop rowing the relationship boat with this guy and let him do the work.
do not call him
do not text him
do not make plans with him
do not sit around and wait for him to make plans with you
when a friend says "let's do this on Saturday night" you say YES if you want to do it then do it. If he calls after you made the plans you say 'Oh I'd love to but I already have plans, maybe next time you could ask me earlier' but then be aware he may ask you and cancel again at the last minute. I would also say to him when you accept the invitation "i would be delighted to accompany you but please note that should you have to cancel with less than 48 hours notice I will no longer be able to accept invitations from you"
don't threaten. don't whine... just keep it very matter of fact and even professional... he'll get the message... what he does with the message is on him but do not hold your breath for a long term permanent change and do not jump all excited when he first makes changes to please you (if he does)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I am so glad that Honeypie said it before me,hehe , so SHE is the mean one :)... but yes, let's face it, maybe YOU care deeply about him, but how can you think he cares deeply about you if he does not even bother to show up most of the times ?! Unless you are dating the Pope, or President Obama, REALLY busy guys, for everybody else of us common mortals, including those with heavy , hectic schedules, lots of social / work obligations, etc.... when there is a will there is a way, and those who care, will find a way. They will sacrifice something else, but if they want to see you, they'll come up with a plan they can stick to. Quite simple.
Then again, " on and off " is already, IMO, the opposite of " cares deeply "- he cares " on and off ". If you do believe that actions speak louder than words, then stop believing his words. He says that he wants to see you then never does anything about it ? Then, you ARE someone to talk to and to be ready at the click of his fingers just in case he finds himself with some idle hours to kill.
I'd say that after one year of cancelled dates, it's time to throw the towel . Or, at least, to review your expectations and realize that , no matter what he SAYS, he DOES it very casual, very I'll see you when I'll see you. If you can handle that without aggravation or heartbreak, fine, not everybody has to want and need something " serious ". But if you have to feel hurt about it, then stop letting him hurt you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I would stop making plans with him. THAT simple.
You talk about caring DEEPLY for each other, YOU might care deeply for him, but I'm not so sure his feelings are as strong.
Because, IF he CARED DEEPLY for you, he would MAKE time, you would BE a priority. YOU are now just an after thought.
You even FEEL like he is treating you like one.
I will quote your post:
"I'm under the impression that I'm just someone to talk to and that he thinks i'll be there at the click of a finger."
My guess is YOU HAVE been there at the click of the finger. And you have SAID you were OK with cancellations, instead of telling him that it hurts your feelings. MY guess is... HE assumes you care for him in the same way he cares for you... Not SUPER deep, but someone who is nice to have around.. every now and then. For a conversation, or a poke in the pillow.
So, I would suggest IF this is a guy you want to try and BE with that you ACTUALLY SIT him down and tell him how you feel. It's been a year. OR if you REALLY feel like you are JUST someone he talks to here and there and so forth, then END it and find someone who wants you as much as you want them.
Time to decide what you want and go for it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 June 2014):
 You're absolutely right - actions do speak louder than words. I think you should cut contact with this guy because he doesn't seem to be interested in you the way you deserve. So it definitely won't sound clingy when you express that.
You should tell him that you were interested in forming a proper relationship with him, but due to his inability to fulfill his plans of seeing you time and time again, you realize it's time to move on to someone who is actually willing to make time for you - not just one who SAYS he will make time.
You deserve better. You know that. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I would start saying no when he can manage to fit you in.Tell him you have other plans.
You should be a priority and if he really wanted to see you he would honour the date he made.
Its not clingy to say something, its standing up for yourself, putting your views across, if you don't he will assume your ok with him and his ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): He might be loving you, but not interestd in going out with you, that means to him I think he think you not enough to him, coz if was surely love you he was gonna make sure that he don't turn you down now and then and always be real, seriously he does not love you like you do.
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