A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 4 years. when we first met he moved over to the area i was from after meeting on a works holiday. he was happy and seemed to want to spend all time together and put his past behind him (for the first 2 years). Now he has to travel back and forth to where his family comes from which is a long car journey and has childish tantrums if i don't want to go. He phones his sister, mother and father nearly every night and we saw them not even 1 week ago and he's already asking when we are visiting again. His sister is dominating and won't let go of their past relationship (where he was very protective of her) and she phones him all the while, and repeatedly asks when will we see you again? He's starting to upset me, putting them first, always wanting to 'go back' there. I never asked him to move my way and i'm starting to question whether i truly want this anymore. Id rather start a fresh than feel pushed out all the while. I wouldn't mind so much but when we do visit i am invisible and he acts like a child, a completely different man to what i know in our home. Please someone help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (9 May 2014):
I have something like this myself in my life. My husband is always referring back to his family, can't seem to make decisions without them etc. His sister's opinion comes before mine quite a lot. My husband starts larking about repeating all the jokes that he always does and they laugh while I think "Oh no, not that again". They have no friends, just each other. At times it drives me nuts. And we only live half an hour from each other!However, I decided to be glad that they enjoy each other's company so much. So what if he becomes a big child with them, he is being himself. I decided to join in when possible and be nice. He goes for a curry with his sister very month and I think, so what. Sis is lonely and likes to get involved. However she has helped in solving problems before and rolled her sleeves up when we have been getting work one.Help him work out a plan so they know what is happening and go with him on alternative trips if you can't bear it every time. Just let him be himself. If you can't do perhaps you are not compatible.Do be nice about them and to them, but maybe enjoy being by yourself when he goes to see them? I certainly enjoy my time to myself.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 I am going to agree with jls022. Family relationships are not a trivial thing. Being close to your family is not abnormal.
when my mother was alive I spoke to her daily. I had a husband, children and friends.. but my mom was still very important to me.
My husband has NO relationship with his family at all and that's not normal either.
you say it's a "long car journey" but is it 8 hours or 4 hours or 2 hours? WE routinely drive 2 hours for a day trip....
Perhaps you two can sit down and work out a "schedule"
let him talk to them daily that's on him.
Plan a visit once a month or so.... depends on how far away it really is.
when I was 5 my dad moved my mom and two kids away from her family. It was a 4-6 hour car trip to visit. We went to see them regularly and they came to see us too... as we got older visits were less and less but it was very critical in how I was raised that family was important.
If you would rather not go because you feel left out, then let him go alone but I suggest you figure out a way to make a connection to these people if you want to be with this man.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (8 May 2014):
Honestly, I think you are the one who is being childish and unfair. It's a big deal got someone to move away from their family, and he is obviously feeling that strain now. It's your job as the partner who got to remain in her home town to try to accommodate that as much as possible. My mum moved 4 hours away from her family to marry my dad and he was absolutely clear from day 1 that if she was ever homesick all she had to do was say the word and they'd go back to visit. And 32 years later he's still happy to do it because he wants her to be happy and maintain a close relationship with them. Depending on how she is feeling, that can be every few months or every week.I think the fact your boyfriend is so close to his family is a trait to be admired. To expect to have him all to yourself all the time is overly controlling and demanding of his time. Do you not spend time with your own family? Or friends? How would you feel if he thought you should have ditched them and 'put your past behind you' when you met him?If you really can't support him with his homesickness and his desire to maintain a close relationship with his family, then I'm sorry but I think you should break up so HE can find someone more understanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): I am with you 100% on this. I couldn't stand it. Clearly it was his choice to leave and come and live your way but now he wants to go home and his family are pulling him back. I would not be able to stand a variety of family member phone calls every night I wouldn't want to go and visit all the time, I would be bored sh~@@less.I had a guy like this once a long time ago who was so into his family he had to almost ask their approval to do anything. He seemed unable to function without them and was always on the phone to his sister. They had constant family parties and events and the family and extended family were huge. Every night he would be on facebook updating them with what had been going on during the day. It drove me nuts as nothing had happened since the last time he had spoken to them. I didn't feel I was missing out on any attention I just could not understand what he found to say to them all the time and why he needed to go round there quite so often. Needlessly to say it ended as the family started dropping in unannounced all the time which meant I could not relax. I honestly would get rid and start afresh with a stronger independent man as this is only going to get worse and eventually he will move back home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): I want to add, most guys seem boyish around their family; because their love and good memories brings out the boy in us.
You feel invisible because you isolate yourself and stand pouting because you are no longer the center of his attention.
You have a great guy. You must be really sweet for him to choose a girl like you. Come on.
Is it really all that bad?
Or do you just want a new boyfriend, and grasping for excuses?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): I find nothing childish about your boyfriend loving and wanting to be close to his family.
I find it childish that you get upset about it. You are being possessive and controlling. You seem jealous!
You envy his closeness to his family, and want him all to yourself. You only refuse to go with him to visit; only to put him in the position to choose between you and his family. Then you get angry; as if there is some competition between you, and his flesh and blood. That only exists in your needy dominating mind. I just don't think you are as mean as this comes across. There is something else you have a problem with, and you didn't mention it in your post.
Your description of his loving relationship to his family seems quite mean-spirited. Do you really mean it that way, or are you just venting out of frustration?
You call his sister dominating; but you don't give any explanation of how she dominates your boyfriend. I'm protective of all my sisters and brothers, and they are equally protective of me. If you isolate him from his family, and fight with him about it; I can see why his sister may not like you. It doesn't sound like the family bids you any unwelcome. He wants to bring you along.
Honestly, he sounds like a great guy to me.
Maybe you are not used to family-connections so close-nit, and devoted to each other. It may be different from how you relate to your own loved-ones. If he wants to see his family every single day, why is that a problem?
If you never asked him to move in; he obviously did it of his own free will. Even if it mean a long trip to see his family.
He had no intention of abandoning his family, to prove his loyalty and devotion to you. You should not expect that of any boyfriend, or a husband. If he is that devoted to his family, sounds like he has plenty of love to go around.
Not pile it all on you, to pacify your insecurity and greediness for all his attention.
He is a good-enough boyfriend to be committed to you for four years. If he is so awful; then leave him. He'll be happy to return to his family, and find someone else.
Then you can find someone who gives you 100% of their time. Men who are close to their families make great fathers. Just so you'll know!
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