A
female
age
36-40,
*_very_hurt_girl
writes:I fell for one of my close friends a while ago and he realised this and forced me to admit it to him (which i did). Before he knew for sure, we used to joke and have fun. Since then so much has changed and he abuses me all the time. I'm not sure what it is that I've done to him because he says I haven't done anything and when I react to his behaviour he says I'm just overreacting and his just joking. His abuse ranges from calling me deroagratory names such as "WUBA" (women used by all men) and "Chucky" and if I don't respond to the names it leads to him ignoring me until I do. He also forces me to take my clothes off in front of him which again results in punishment if I don't. I have tried talking but he gets angry, tells me off and then ignores me for weeks. When we have fights, he always blames it on me and I always have to apologise. I always do whatever I can to keep him happy and have always put him first although he constantly puts me last. I don't know why I'm still with him but when I do try to walk away, he gets clingy and upset and just seeing him hurt makes it so hard to leave him so I always give him a second chance. I have done so much for him, helping him out on whatever he needs and am always giving, giving and giving and have tried sooo hard to keep him happy and work through this although he never tries as much as I do. We're supposed to be friends but I just dont see how he can call me that when he abuses me all the time. I just want to know what I've done to him to make him treat me this way. I've just about had enough of everything but I still don't have the courage to tell him to leave me alone even though I want to and some part of me still wants to be with him which I can't explain why. I am so hurt and depressed but I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help me. Thank you.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, darksecretangel +, writes (18 June 2007):
 Hey
Hunny for your own good you should leave him.
Sweetie he is breaking you down emotionally and physically so you have to depend on him more. This is WRONG, you should not be treated like this, you are worth more than him and dont forget this.
If you are scared of the confrontation about you leaving, pick a time when he will not be there, and pack your bags and go some where safe for example.. a close friend etc.
You havent done anything to him, maybe there are some hidden motive to why he is behaving towards you like this. Could he have possibley been brought up watching his father do the same to his mother and think that it's normal.
You say that you still want to be with him, however how can you be with someone who doesnt fully love you or respect you. Leave him and find someone who is truly worth you, you definatly wont be sorry you did.
GOOD LUCK AND TAKE CARE XXX
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 June 2007):
 The guy is a nut case. He certainly has a screw loose somewhere. This relationship will never get better. Time for you to leave. Tell the "MWAA" (men who are assholes) to take a hike. You will never regret it I promise.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (18 June 2007):
 You haven't done anything to make him do this to you. Nothing. I don't know you, but I know deep down that you haven't done a single thing.
Think of it this way, if he can get you to think that it's all your fault, then you will stay with him and endure the continued abuse. You end up thinking that somehow you deserve what he dishes out, so you stick around to take it. It all works to his advantage and it's all orchestrated by his whims. You have given up your own inner voice that says "I don't deserve this, I'm better than this." Instead, you rely on him to tell you what is real and not real. He is manipulating you, and the longer you stay there with him, the worse it will get. This kind of abuse is on a sliding scale, and it will only get worse and he will wear you down more and more until you're a spineless blob.
Why is he really abusing you? There are many reasons that could all play into the abuse: He could have seen his dad do it to his mum while he was growing up. He could hate himself and instead of directing his destructive emotions at himself, he's directing them at you. Or he could have some serious mental problems that go way deeper than you know. Either way, it has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the person he's directing his hate toward.
I'm glad you're calling what he's doing to you "abuse." Knowing that what he is doing to you is abuse brings you one step closer to getting out of the situation and healing yourself.
From the way you communicate, I can tell you're a smart person. I bet you really know what you have to do, but you're scared to do it. Don't let your sadness, fear and depression disempower you. Think of someone in your life who you trust and who loves you. Family? Best friend? If they knew what you were going through how would they react? Would they become insanely angry at him? Would they do whatever they could do help you get out? If you have someone in your life like that, go to them. Ask them to help you get out. If you don't, then you have to be the one to get insanely angry and do whatever you have to do to help yourself. You know you have to leave.
How? Leave the house when he is not there. You don't have to confront him face to face and tell him to "leave you alone." I suggest you not do that at all! You can pack up your things, leave while he's at work or asleep and don't leave any indication where you are going. If you want to leave a letter saying that you have left him and that you will take necessary legal actions against him if he tries to contact you, then do.
Go to someone who can help you. Mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, cousin, old girl friend, anyone who you can trust to give you a safe place to stay. As long as there is a locked door and someone to stay with you, then you will be ok. If you don't feel you have that available to you, in the States we have women's shelters for women just like yourself for free. They are funded by private grants. The women who go to these "battered women" shelters are not poor, they're not uneducated, they're just leaving a bad bad situation. You can call information/the operator on the phone and ask for the one closest to you, or look in the phone book. I don't suggest looking online because he could possibly find out where you have been on the internet. Call them and they will tell you what to do, step-by-step. You don't even have to do what they say -- you can just call them to get information about how you COULD do it.
The bottom line is that you must leave. Nothing you can do in the situation will make it better unless you leave. No person has the right to do this to you or anyone. Gather that last bit of strength I know you have in you, and call that person in your life who can help, or call a battered womens shelter.
GOOD LUCK!
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 June 2007):
 Hi,
Its always really sad to hear that someone is going through this. But the truth is the only person that can change this is YOU.
You need to drop him and not look back. Just think if it were one of your mates, what advice would you give them. I expect you would want them to leave. Dont give this guy any more chances, he has you living in fear, and before you know it he will have complete control over you.
You are only young, dont let this be a pattern for the rest of your life.
Please dump him, he sounds like a complete arse.
Take care XXX
...............................
A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (18 June 2007):
 Hun, I know it's really hard but you need to walk outta there and not look back. He is abusing you mentally. Pick a time you know he'll be out, pack your bags and get outta there and don't look back. If he acts all upset, it's his own fault. He had his chance and he blew it.
Get outta the lovely. Get a MAN who'll respect you.
xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (18 June 2007):
 You have done nothing wrong hunni. Take that in and believe it. He's just using that as an excuse for what he does so he doesn't have to admit to what he does. You know what he is doing is wrong. You need to put it to him that he changes or you're gone! It's not fair how he is treating you at all.
I was in an abusive relationship in my teens and I always believed the guy when he said it was my fault, then I watched something on the tv that involved someone being abused and realised that it wasn't my fault and what he was doing was wrong. It took all the strength in the world to leave him, especially when he would ring and text and come round to where I lived constantly sobbing and begging me back. That was just another way of controling me. It took so much strength not to take him back that final time, but it got easier as time passed and I began to come out of the shell he had pushed me in to.
I'm here if you would like to chat some more :)
xxxxxxx
...............................
|
