A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my ex boyfriend and I dated for a good seven months, (i just ended it yesterday)During our relationship I put up with ALOT of BS and I mean alot!! I need to know if what I put up was abuse at all physical or verbal. *sigh* where the heck do I even begin?When we were dating, he would force his hands down my pants. I would try hard to get his hands out of my pants, and I would scream 'no!!' he would quickly stop, but then I would always engage in sexual activity even when I didn't want too, and I would always cry after.. I truly hate myself for this.He would pressure me to have sex with him, even if we didnt have a condom. God bless I never got pregnant.He has moved away for the time being, he moved away about three months into the relationship but we remained together.During the time he was away, he would always get mad at me whenever he found out I was out with my friends or drinking, and he would break up with me. (we would always get back together though) He threatens all of my guy friends, and tells them he is going to kill them, and he has gone as far as getting his 'girl' friends to threaten to harm me!!(but we always got back together though..)He would tell me to die my hair black - and leave it long and to NOT touch my bangs, because he found it very sexy, if it was all left like this.I did die it black - but I had wanted too for a while.. or I subconsiously listened, I don't know.....He always swears at me and calls me a b*tch, sl*t, c*nt, etc.. if he even sees me talking to a guy!!I always make excuses for his behavior!! :(But, he totally disrespects my family and my friends, but why do I keep going back to him? am I afraid? ugh, this is totally emotionally draining.. I'm afraid I'm going to become depressed having this all bottled up inside of me, everyone thinks I am fine.. but I really want to seek professional help but I am afraid to admit this to my family..so you guys are my next best bet. please help me get over all of this.. I don't know what else to do.. I am so afraid of everything, I actually might start crying after this..:( help me please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): It's is distressingly common to feel that a bully really loves you. He doesn't. You probably feel consciously that if he could only stop bullying you it would all be wonderful, and subconsciously that if you could just get him to love and trust you the bullying will stop. It won't. Bullies get addicted to their own behaviour. It gives them a real chemical buzz to see the fear of their victims. Don't be isolated. Find a good counsellor and learn all the strategies you can to avoid being in any sitution with him, and to get out quick if you find yourself anywhere near him. Build your friendship network. Your brothers and their friends will be really useful in a scene like this. Bullies are usually cowards too. Pray to be delivered from this situation, and use that counselling to recover from being a victim and to become yourself again. Be strong in future, and always drop anyone who treats you mean. One strike and their out should be your motto from now on. Since you are probably a lovely gentle person who does not want or need to be exposed to that kind of violent unkind unloving behaviour.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): i cant believe you put up with this honestly why why why?! ok this is what you do to that monstrosity.
-if he has a car play a game of demolition derby.
-then put him in county general hospital by BEATING THE LIFE OUT OF HIM!
-when he is out of the picture trash all his stuff and when he returns for it as hard as you possibly can kick him in the crown jewels before throwing him out of the house..
-straight back where he belongs in county general hospital
it may seem comical but DO IT its nothing less than what he deserves
and i would have done this the moment he laid an unwanted
finger on me i dont take shit from no man or no-one for that matter they dont scare or intimidate me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Follow up:
Thank you all for your help. You guys have all helped me in one way or another.
'Sincerely Yours':
When you said, 'Or is there SOMETHING about him that you can't place your finger on that attracted you to him and wouldn't let you turn away?'
You nailed it. Everybody always asks me why I put up with it - what is it that you even like about him? Why do you even love him? I could never get out a straight answer. Cause I truly don't know, all I know is that something has kept me holding on - but I'm not sure what it is. I don't know what it means - I've never really understood it myself.
In a way, I loved the attention. I loved the fact he was so protective over me. It made me felt like he really cared about me, but now I see that this was just 'controlling' behavior. Acting as if I was some sort of prize, and it wasn't cause he cared about me.
All in all: I've always been afraid to let go. I have been afraid of what he would do to me, If I got a new boyfriend. What he would do to my new boyfriend. How would he react? and ulimately - I was fed up with the verbal abuse so I tried my best to just make him happy - and put up with it.
I realize now that I can't live my life this way, but I almost felt the need to go back to him tonight, but I know I need to run away from all of this and never look back, but I'm not quite sure how too without looking back.
The whole relationship was a mess.
Thank you for all your support, every single one of you! I'll listen to all your advice and try to put it in tact.
God Bless!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 This is what you'd consider to be abuse. Even forcing his hand down your pants. Being boyfriend/girlfriend gives him no right to put his hand where you don't approve. Calling you names, being controlling with who you talk to and who you don't is a form of domestic violence. None of what he did is okay. No one has the right to do to you what you choose for them not to. Dating someone does not give them any rights over you, what you do, what you wear or how you wear it.
You're going to cry, I happens when you get out of abuse. So, I urge you to, and I also want you to realize how he treated you was not at all your fault and there is no excuse for the way you were treated.
When your done crying, be grateful you're free from this abuse, and treat yourself to a shake or lunch. Remember how he treated you, and that it's not right so you can avoid getting into another abusive situation. At the first sign of abuse with anyone, it's time to call it quits.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (17 June 2009):
Oh honey. I was in your shoes at your age. I just recently COMPLETELY ended that relationship 6 months ago. I went through 6 yrs of that. Its sexual, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. He will never stop. He may have times when he seems to be "getting better" but it never lasts. Guys like that have a way of brainwashing you, I don't know why I went back to him so many times and for so long but I did. Get out now! I have two children with this guy and so now I have to deal with him the rest of my life. Even now I sometimes think it would be easier to just go back and put up with it. I won't though. PLEASE PLEASE dont make the same mistake I did. He doesnt like ur friends and family and eventually make u choose 'me or them'. Eventually he will isolate you and he will be the only one in your life. Dont let it get that far. Dont listen to a word he says, guys like that dont deserve an explanation. Just ditch him and dont look back. This is comin straight from my heart, please be smarter than I was.
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A
female
reader, love-struckxo +, writes (17 June 2009):
 Yes - you were abused, both physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally.
You might have even been raped, even though you still engaged in sexual activity with him after you said No. You were obviously put under tremendous amount of pressure, where you felt like you HAD too.
Nobody should 'FORCE' their hands down somebodys pants. It should be allowing, and the fact that you screamed no, speaks for itself.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. I am glad you got out of this while you could - or it would of ended up much worse, I promise you!!
I would suggest you DO seek professional help. As none of us are going to be able to walk you through this step by step. You need to talk to somebody about what happened.
Stay strong and be brave my dear, cut off all contact with this guy completely. EVERYTIME you feel the need to go back to him, think about everything he has done to you, and you don't want to go back to that, now do you?
It sure sounds like you don't. You will be good enough for somebody, and there are probably alot of guys that would gladly kicked this guys ass. (Though, I am not suggesting this)
Nobody should ever be treated like that - ever!!
Somebody will show you what love really is, because it certaintly wasn't what you had with him.
I'm sorry, please take care of yourself.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Is there a reason you let yourself be treated this way? Is there something in your past that makes you feel as if it is OK or normal to be treated the way he treated you? Were you hurt a lot, spoken down to, abused, made fun of, disrepsected, etc. for so long and by so many people that you let him do this to you?
Yes, no?
Or is there SOMETHING about him taht you can't place your finger on that attracted you to him and wouldn't let you turn away?
When he got so angry because of other men and such situations that involved other men, did you choose to see passed the overcontrolling, possesive and inapporpriate behaviour and choose to see it as him begin "protective and sweet"? That he was just jealous and that it was "cute?"
And if that's the case, have you previously had boyfriends who would not stand up for you against other men, or who didn't care at all if you speke to them and hung around them, so this new guy was a "refreshing change"?
What's the deal here?
I don't know you, so i suggest you dig into yourself and look at your past, your experiences, and the people you've known and decide what makes you who you are. And how did your boyfriend change or affect that?
And then decide who you want to be. How different will that be form who you are?
If the two are different, then begin ro surround yourself only with people who can make the "who you are" into the "who you want to be." Hold on to that desire and don't let ANYONE take it away from you, or make you feel like you have to be someone else. Becuase you don't. All you have to be is you and one day, an amazing man will fall in love with you as you are. But you have to be patient and stay true to yourself.
goodluck.
~SY.
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