A
male
age
51-59,
*nowy74
writes:If you have an affair, and then she goes cold, is it guilt on her part of just trying to protect her feelings from becoming deep love that will force her to decide on quitting her relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Snowy, thanks for the update:Your lover broke away because she was decent.You then meet another love of your life.And all the while you are still married!I see a trend here....LoveGirl
A
male
reader, Snowy74 +, writes (1 April 2011):
Snowy74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTWO years later - an update.
I pulled back, i dissapeared. i got on with my life as best i could..
it REALLY hurt
all your comments (except the obvious one 'Stop grasping for straws and get on with the work of properly ending your marriage') were helpful (and event that one, was , im sure, well intentioned) helped me
i just couldnt reconcile the fact she had 'no love' for me, in truth, however, after close to a 9months/1 yr later i saw her again, for a christmas drink - one thing easily led to another and we found ourselves in an embrace..she purred how sorry she was and how she loved me absolutely, but of course only while i was in her arms! (she said she had difficulty 'loving two men')
i never saw her again, but she gave me something that night with her honesty that was perhaps what was missing before- she could admit her love! even tho she couldnt admit it wasnt enough to push for more
a month later i met a wonderful woman, gorgeous, intelligent, brings a rose to the airport, caresses and adores me...
i thought rain clouds of dispair were my lot - every day seemed just as hard to wake to, but new love always finds a way!
(and my marriage..im still separated, and progressing that (different countries) but financial obligations etc are making the process take time
Thank you...you were all there for me (somehow)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Have you considered that the distance is not because she's feeling guilty or protecting herself, but because she's really done with this affair? She has a BOYFRIEND, you have a WIFE; which relationship do you think is easier to get out of? Don't you think that if she wanted a serious relationship with you she would have dumped him. She is not going to leave her boyfriend and has told you as much. Stop grasping for straws and get on with the work of properly ending your marriage.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (4 November 2009):
 I can see that you really want this to be more than it looks like it is from what you've said. To be honest, without the i love you's there is usually something missing. The absence of verbal re-assurance is one of the surest signs that this is fading away. Just because she doesn't want to use a condom, doesn't mean there is a deep love or connection there, it just means that she isn't worried about getting pregnant because of her pill OR it might be that she doesn't want to upset you further. Maybe she's as confused as you are? Maybe she feels that if she gets pregnant it makes her decision for her? Some people think and play that way. Good sex doesn't mean love. It means good sex. It might be heightened by your situation. I would definitely consider distancing yourself from this person, even for a short while, re-gather your sense of self and let her do some thinking. It sounds like you're grasping for something that might just be out of reach.If it is meant to be, with time and space, it will be.
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A
male
reader, Snowy74 +, writes (27 May 2009):
Snowy74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat if, the i love yous just decreased/etc but the condom was brushed aside by her? - signifies a deeper level of intimacy no? (pill is in use , plus both std free)
(at the same time as a quivering declaration 5 hrs later..'thats the best s&x ever' ... ?
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (25 May 2009):
When women pull back on the "I love you", then you are no longer in her circle of trusted partners.
Make it simple for you and her, and leave her without looking back.
Clearly, instead of an affair, I highly suggest you work on your marriage (I assume the relationship you had an affair against?).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Wow Snowy! I always thought that men weren't capable of loving as emotionally as womem do...but I'm beginning to think that's not so true.
I think Peanutbutter got it right when she said it is possible to love two people, and that it is society that tells us it's wrong!
I don't have an answer for you, I wish I did! All you can do is follow your heart, and your gut...you will know when it has truly ended! And when it does, if it does, you will survive. The memories will live on, but the pain will fade with time!
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A
male
reader, Snowy74 +, writes (25 May 2009):
Snowy74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so..
in march and april it was MUCH better.. in "some" ways.
the s*x was marathon grade stuff.. 4 or 5 hr sessions... really really connected.
sadly tho.. she has pulled back a LOT on the verbal stuff (iloveyou, i missyou, etc) ..and as a result i have also stopped texting except to reply etc, pulling back (but not entirely, still try to convey consistancy with my feelings and support for the various things in her life...)
we started knowing 'someday one of us may get hurt', and thru this process, its only shown me that the happiness i enjoy with her (is beyond just physical connections) is something i have missed for many many years (in my rel short life haha).
ive decided that i must end my marriage because after an amount of time that passes, if the other person wont change..they...WONT CHANGE...
as for this girl.. i confessed my deeper feelings and she has rejected a larger relationship ''i love my bf. i want to create a future with him''
ive send a friend of mine, my entire sms log (3000 messages haha) who patiently read my story and agrees she may 'love this bf' but she is def IN LOVE with you, even if she doesnt say it as much, its for other reasons, she cant admit the love or desire to pursue you fully (guilt, etc whathave you)
when she text me last, to re-iterate 'we knew it was just an affair ..from the beginning' , i left her alone for a day' (honestly when a girl says that to you after you just wrote ''you are the most amazing thing that has happened to me' ... well its freakishly lame..., and when she texted a few times, eventually i just sent shorter and shorter texts. until she said 'are you really that bummed? what can i do foryou?'
i asked her 'dont you believe in destiny, ask yourself if you are really ready to embrace true love'
(its NOT just s*x , its emotional, companionship, support - if it was an hour of physical pleasure once every 3m, i wouldnt be naive to suggest this is a deeper thing..)
she replied ''my one true man is my bf. i love him and i know your making changes but i have no reason to leave him''
.... well, ive decided to remain Silent for a week or two. I hope she will be prompted by the 'scarcity principle' to re-evaluate both her real feelings for me (come on, ! who cheats on a someone thats their soulmate?) ...and if she merely escalates her cruel replies..it will allow me to freemyself of these ties that bind.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (7 March 2009):
sometimes we want what we cant have, until we get it, then we have to think about whether the grass really is greener or if we're making a mistake.
I do think you can love more than one person at a time but societies rules make it difficult for us to do so without being consumed by the guilt.
Maybe she's cold because she realises what she might lose if it continues, or she may just want to end it before anyone is hurt - i agree with the person who said be honest and open and ask her, this is the only way you'll ever really know.
good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): It could be a little of both. Sometimes the guilt is too much to take...especially if you're a good person with a conscience. No matter how much you want the other person, your primary relationship looms over you like a rain cloud.
You want to be with the person, but your morals get in the way! Do I sound like I'm talking from experience? I AM!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (7 March 2009):
 I'd stop the affair. If you're really unhappy with the person that you are with, then leave them. But don't get emotionally attached to someone who probably won't leave their partner for you.
She probably is feeling guilty. Or, it could be that she moves on really fast. If she is cheating on her current BF/husband (whatever) then what is to say that she wont ditch you when/if she gets bored?
I'd end it before innocent people end up getting more hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): who knows?! seems to me that it can be either. don't try to guess. be open with this person. know where things stand or else you will get very hurt.
actually, if you really want to protect yourself stop the affair all together. it's a recipe for disaster.
good luck
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