A
male
age
51-59,
*9er
writes:Hello,Thanks in advance for your help in this matter.Her's my issue: I have known this woman for several years online. We planned on meeting in person a few times and it fell through each time. We live in different cities and the timing just wasn't right. Besides, I didn't want a long distance relationship. She lives an hour drive away. We also didn't meet because we each had a partner already. Although both of us were in lousy relationships. I broke up with my ex, and am now single and dating other girls. Then, a few months ago, I received an email from the one I am writing about now. We decided to meet. There was amazing chemistry, she was beautiful, smart, loving, caring, passionate, and everything I had ever wanted in a woman. Except that she is married. We seemed to have both needed the same things romance, appreciation, love, great sex...She is so beautiful and caring, that I overlooked the fact that she is married. As she had informed me that her husband cannot get an erection and they have no sex life.Now, I am falling in love with a married woman, and I know it is wrong. She has told me that she thinks her husband is gay, and he doesn't even look at her. They haven't had sex in years. But, what worries me is the consequences if we get caught. We are having sex several times a week, and it is increasing in passion and frequency. The risk is huge, and I'm worried about getting caught. Not so much for me, but for her. She has talked about getting a divorce, but won't unless he divorces her first. I don't want to be a home wrecker, but she has made the decision to have an extramarital affair.Am I being a home wrecker? Should I stop seeing her? It almost seems inevitable that we will eventually get caught. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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affair, broke up, divorce, erection, long distance, married woman, my ex, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): The problem this guy is facing is that he is in love with the woman.
He may not have admitted it to himself. But he is.
So suggestions for him to just calmly walk out the door are things he will not consider at this stage. She will yank his chain long and hard and when he has had enough he will leave and take his dignity with him.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 August 2012):
There are no "complications" here other than the ones you are manufacturing. This couldnt be more straight forward. She is married. In having sex w you, she is committing adultery, which you are facilitating. (As a side bar, I wouldnt consider an adulterer so "caring," but to each their own.) If you want to have a relationship w this woman, she needs to divorce her "gay" husband first. Really that simple.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2012):
 You make no sense OP as Tisha has said you give us two opposite views in the same breath either you love her or you don’t have any attachment… so you have to pick one.
My bet is on emotionally attached. My bet is also on the fact that she’s lying to you as well as her husband. My ex husband lied to his current wife and said we were separated… we were not… I knew about her she did not know about me and he would come home from being with her and sleep with me… (open marriage)… and yet SHE thought she was the only one…. She was being played… and when he finally left me (I was relieved) SHE took him and kept him, and now every time he talks to another woman she wonders if he’s cheating on HER…. Nice life.
NO ONE stays for money if they can make it on their own… and if they do what kind of a person are they? I would rather be alone and have nothing that use someone….
she's using YOU for sex and affection and him for funds and probably sex too...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2012):
 It appears you two are well-suited to each other so enjoy yourselves until Daddy Warbucks finds out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 'I am not overly emotionally involved with her."
"I did mention that I was starting to fall in love with her, because she is good to me,and I do give her the benefit of the doubt."
Um. not into her, totally into her.
One or the other.
Not difficult to know.
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (30 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStayc, it is very complicated, I have known her for years. I am not overly emotionally involved with her. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship with a compulsive liar. So yes, I know what it feels like to be deceived. This woman isn't exactly my rebound relationship, because I had one of those already. What I was looking for was entirely physical, and this girl wanted the same. So, since I am not her actual boyfriend and just a FB, she wouldn't be cheating on me if she was having another affair with someone else. I wouldn't even ask questions, so as not give a reason to be lied to. I did mention that I was starting to fall in love with her, because she is good to me,and I do give her the benefit of the doubt. Since I am not God, I cannot judge her. All I can do is be good to her and try to find happiness. Isn't that what life is all about, finding happiness?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
"Her life falling apart" as in......? Sorry, this still doesn't add up. She basically likes you but not enough to leave her husband for you...
You don't want to be in an affair but continue to do so.
"I know it's wong"
She tells you what you want to hear about her sex life with her husband...
The "consequences" appear to be her losing her money supply....
No, still not seeing the compelling issue here.
If she's financially motivated your situation won't be sufficient for her needs. If she's happy with you as things stand, she'll dump her husband and start a new life with you.
If you have any doubts about this, give her space and she'll show her decision shortly.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 She sounds like a winner (the most sarcasm you could imagine). She needs to be with a wealthy man, so she's a gold digger and can't support herself, and would rather cheat and have money than be on her own or be with a man she could be happy with. Also she's a liar and a cheater... Don't ever date this one, assuming you have the option.
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (30 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, complete devastation, as in her life falling apart. Because of her desire to have a sex life, she could lose security, and the good life married to a wealthy man. I am not wealthy, but live comfortably, but in no way could provide for her the way he does. I guess a divorce isn't complete devastation, but it might feel like it temporarily.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
"A complete devastation"? What does that mean, exactly?
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (30 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, if she was single I would feel way better about the situation. I don't think she is in fear of physical harm, just a complete devastation if found out. As she does not want a divorce, at least not yet. Also, to anon, I think she already pushed the mark from the table. She is a very beautiful woman, and could have any of dozens of men. In fact, I still consider myself lucky to be the recipient of her love. I am definitely going to be patient and stay on the sidelines here and not make myself an easy mark. But I won't deprive her of how I really feel for her. Even if it means taking a risk, and possible heartaches. Remaining unattached emotionally seems to be the best route right now. That and avoiding confrontation.
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (30 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon, that's what my gut feeling is telling me, (regarding the poker saying). That's why I'm here, to hear educated opinions and get the good advice. Thanks man.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
"But, what worries me is the consequences if we get caught. We are having sex several times a week, and it is increasing in passion and frequency. The risk is huge, and I'm worried about getting caught. Not so much for me, but for her."
What's the risk, is she facing physical harm? If you truly care for her you'd not expose her to that risk.
The rest is you feeling all tingly about being involved with a married woman. If she was single, would you feel the same about her?
Wait until she's single and then pursue your courtship.
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (30 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anonymous, very well said.
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (30 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to Stayc63088, and So_Very_Confused. That is some great advice. Stayc, she is with him for security reasons mainly. And, so very confused, yes I have considered the part of once a cheater always a cheater. But, no one is perfect, and I'm open minded enough to try and accept that part of her, because no one is perfect, not me, her, or anyone else. Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2012):
You are being a catalyst to end what is already a bad marriage. I'm marrying my Catalyst in 5 weeks... but I was in an open marriage and my spouse who I would not have left, was looking for a way out of our marriage and he set rules up to make it easier for him to leave.
I do not believe that a person who is having the affair with the married partner is the home wrecker. I believe that the cheating spouse is.
Question for you: what happens if she leaves her husband and you two get married.... will you wonder what she's doing when she's not with you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Red flag alert*
(She has told me that she thinks her husband is gay, and he doesn't even look at her. They haven't had sex in years.)
I am not judging. I am the anon that posted before if they mod it through.
I think she protests too much.
You need to not get swept up in the emotions you have for her.
That is job one.
Have you heard the poker saying?
If in the first 15 minutes you are at the table, you haven't figured out who the mark is, it's you.
I don't get a good feeling about this and it's not the morality behind it that concerns me.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (29 August 2012):
I'm not being judgmental but what you are doing is pretty much the definition of a home wrecker. Yes maybe her marriage is awful, but she should leave it then. Why is she staying with him? Why does she have to wait for him to divorce first? If he's so terrible wouldn't she be gone? People get divorces every day, when she says she can't it's just an excuse because she doesn't want to. You shouldn't have to be her side guy. Like we would tell a woman who is helping a man cheat on his wife, you should have more self respect than to be treated this way and to just be a guy on the side. Also that she may never leave her husband and you are just being used. If you just enjoy the sex with her and don't mind what you are contributing to in this marriage then go ahead. But if you are wanting a real relationship you should move on. On the slight chance she ever did leave him, she could just cheat on you as you now know she clearly has the ability to if she decides her reasons are justified.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): It's Bible camp. Affairs happen.People who thought they were the last person on earth to have an affair (or be an affair partner) find themselves in this dilemma. It's too late to turn back. You are already invested in this person or you would not be here.I am thinking her waiting for him to divorce her is a cop out. Here in the states it doesn't matter who initiates the divorce. It's all no fault.Outside of child custody there is little to be gained in protracted litigation. Trust me I have been through two. It's not often we see the man as the third wheel. You will have to take what the other woman traditionally takes.Which is what ever your partner is giving. You can only hope she is as committed as you. But women can be every bit as devious as a man.You will have to take a reactionary position here. You have no leverage to exert on anyone.Unless you out her to him. But that is a loose cannon waiting to sink your ship. Sit back and wait my friend.I hope she's worth it.
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A
male
reader, 69er +, writes (29 August 2012):
69er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAre you judging me? You never addressed my question, just a dig about adultery and looking in the mirror. Is this dear cupid or bible camp?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2012):
Yeah that pesky adultery can be so tiresome, all that time-consuming sneaking around. If you stop seeing her you could get some rest and you could look at yourself in the mirror.
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