A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am a married woman(33yrs)and i am having an affair for the last 1 year with a single man (31yrs) My husband( 55yrs) and i have a daughter together(3 yrs) and been together for 8 yrs.My affair started whn my husband wanted to divorce me after having affair while i was pregnant. He was seeing this woman behind my back for 5 months and when i confronted him about it, he sad that he did not love me anymore ( I was 35weeks pregnant) and that he wanted to pursue the reationship with this other woman. This tore me apart and i was in deep depression, i begged him to stop seeing this woman and when my daughter was born, he decided to give our marriage another try and dismissed this other woman. However, during this period, i met this man that i am currently having an affar with. Then, we would only chat online and that was it. A year ago, we started seeing each other, we began a relationship and since then, we have become best friends, lovers and more. He is always there to listen to me and when i have something to share, i always call him first and not even my husband. My husband on the other side has his own business and when he gets back home from work everyday, he is tired and passes out on the couch and by this, i feel lonely in my marriage. We hardly discuss, talk, laugh together unlike what i have witht the other man. Recently, this other man has started getting jealous. He says that we shoud be together and i should eventually leave my husband and be with him. This confuses me alot, i love this man alot but i just cannot leave my husband however, am i going to stay with a man( husband) that i am not attracted to for the rest of my life? I am 33yrs and i would like more kids and my husband doesnt want more kids. My question is....is it safe to leave my husband and pursue a relationship with this man?
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affair, best friend, divorce, jealous, married woman, period Reply to this Question
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male
reader, steph007  +, writes (12 December 2010):
If I were of your 55 yo husband I would not mind this affair you have with this 31 yo man. Even, I would assure you about that you should not feel being torn. Of course, I would expect you to give me that attention what I need, both in bed and in soul. On the other hand this 31 yo man behaves like a girl when getting jealous. For what is he so jealous?
If you are thinking of leaving your husband and move together with this new guy - then you should regard mainly the financial points.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): how can you say your husband is a 'good man' when he cheated on you when you were pregnant, wanted to leave you for her and you had to beg him to stay with you? (why would you beg such a guy to stay, don't you have self respect?)
You should have left him long ago. This is the consequence of staying in a marriage when love and trust are gone: you now are cheating on him so now you are just as 'bad' as him. This would not have happened if you had left him long ago. You would have been free to pursue a new relationship openly and honestly
Now you know you want to be with the other man (I don't blame you) but you fear that you will regret leaving your husband. What is it you fear regretting - that you won't be around to see him cheat on you again when you are pregnant with your next child? Don't stay in a marriage because of fears. you can't live your life being controlled by your fears. You say he supports you financially - if you divorce he will have to pay child support and alimony. believe in yourself. Believe that you will be able to stand on your own. Don't stay with a guy just because of money - that is like being a prostitute don't you think??
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A
male
reader, ljhenhmla  +, writes (10 December 2010):
The grass is not always greener on the other side. Councling will help but u have start thinking what u will di if ur husband leaves. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you help..
You wish: you asked why i asked if it was safe..i asked this because i may regret leaving my husband.He is a good man and he supports me fiancially ( i am a home stay mom)i am just not inlove with him anymore. On the other hand, this other man is young and sometimes he gets so jealous and angry about the whole situation that he throws words at me, so actually i really dont know what to do, maybe as suggested, i should seek professional help
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A
female
reader, krysberry +, writes (10 December 2010):
 sounds like your marriage has been over for a while. no relationship is truly safe especially new ones but this environment is not good for your daughter. children notice things like this. not the affair but how you and your husband are together. the thing is you can't make a relationship work because of a child and do you really want your daughter thinking that this is what relationships should be like. you need to end your marriage. and decide if you want to continue the relationship with this other man either way its not fair to string your husband or your lover along the both deserve either all of you or none of you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): First off, take care of the child and put the child's interests foremost in your life.Sounds like you need professional counseling to help with this as well.So, whatever you do, you must do it carefully, controlled, and without much drama and make sure that the father of the child and the mother of the child both maintain high levels of interest in this child. You must also make sure that any future mate welcomes this child and integrates this child into their life wholeheartedly and without resentment.Sounds easy, right. Well, it isn't, it takes a huge amount of effort and love and not just from you.My wife is from a broken home, both parents remarried, and on both sides the new spouses didn't want the children from the prior marriage (2 children, both girls). Neither parent were able to deal successfully with this, both stayed married to their new spouses for life (outwardly "successful" second marriages), and both my wife and her sister felt abandoned from early age (and still do and actually were), and it hurt them terribly.To this day, my wife's mother's husband, and father's wife maintain a sort of blind spot about these two children, and denial about their existence (this is on both sides). She and her sister don't visit their mother when her husband would be there, and if he is gone and expected to return but comes back early, then they have to leave early. When they visit their father they can't stay at the house. This is 40 years later.Isolated problem? Not really. Something similar happened in my family, nearly a hundred years ago. This is not a joke. It is still known about, still talked about, and still remembered 6 generations later, and the original participants are long dead. I'm afraid that 6 generations from now the way my wife and her sister were treated will still be talked about.The concept of the "wicked stepmother" and "evil stepfather" didn't come into fairy tales for no reason.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I was reading your whole question and got stuck on your very last sentence. "Is it safe?" That's an odd question to me. Usually people in this situation ask "Should I leave my husband?"
Are you worried that he will do something if you leave him?? I may be reading too much into this, but if there really is a safety issue, I would recommend getting the help of your friends to move out.
Your marriage is in the coffin. He cheated, you're cheating. There is no love. You love someone else. It's messy, and what will your 3-year old think? Don't have any more kids with a man you don't love. Don't continue an affair while you're still married.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I'd say that your marriage has been broken for a while now. There is no trust on either side and it sounds like both of you want different things from life. At this point, why would you stay together?
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