A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Cupids.This is one crazy situation you are about to hear and I could really use your help.I have been married to my husband for 13 years and in that time we have never had sexual intercourse. We have had oral sex and have done just about everything else except for the actual act. When we were dating I knew he was having sexual problems (he is impotent) but I fell for him anyway. He was such a kind and caring man and he always treated me with so much respect. I was only 21 when we got married and I have never dated or even been with anyone else in my life. My husband is 12 years older than me. I was young and naive and was not fully aware of what I would be missing. I thought that I could handle a life of not having physical intercourse with my husband. Until now.Enter another man into the picture. We both see each other every day and have started a friendship which has blossomed into more. We connect deeply and share a very amazing physical attraction together. He is also married and we each have two children (my children were conceived by AI). But neither or us is happy in our marriages. We look forward to seeing each other everyday and talking and feel like teenagers who cannot stop smiling. He always asks me how my day went and wants to do things to help me.I find that I am becoming more and more drawn to him. He is all I think about. I really want to be with him and I find myself very curious about what he would be like in bed. He is very attractive and he takes care of himself. My husband has let himself get very fat. I think that because I am not intimate with my husband, I am feeling so much passion for this man. I also feel that I have missed out on sex. I do not know if I can deprive myself of this experience my entire life. There is nothing my husband can do about it. I have stayed with him because I made a commitment to him but I am afraid I am sacraficing my own happiness to stay married to him.I do not know what to do. The other man has not made his intentions clear to me in words yet. But it is clear that we have a connection and that we are attracted to one another. How often does the right person come along when you are married?I also do not know how this man would feel if he found out that I have never had sex before and I have been married for 13 years. I am sure it would shock him. I am afraid he would run away and not want to be with me ever! Are men really this way?I hope that you all can help me because I cannot speak to anyone about this. It is really tearing me up.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2011):
 I love and agree with aunt honesty's answer. BEST ANSWER out there. YOU need to be able to be alone. My bf's biggest concern with me is that I went from a marriage to being right with him but I have been alone so he's accepting of our situation....
now here are some OTHER issues
1. if you want to take a lover you need to either end your marriage or clear it with your husband.
2. do not take another woman's husband as your lover unless he has gotten approval and permission from his wife (and then you should verify this)
IF all that sounds implausible to you and you still want to carry on with this man, then both marriages must end. CHEATING and lying is reprehensible.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 May 2011):
Hello there. Why on Earth did your husband not have his impotence problem seen to years ago?
There are so many very good programs around now for this problem, that there is no reason to let it continue. And especially when it comes to relationships.
But in any case, it appears that what was ok for you back then when you first met him, is not enough for you now.
Perhaps it would be worth asking him about seeking treatment now, and just see how your relationship really flourishes then! Surely, if you still love him - even without sex - it might be worth salvedging. You do after all, share 13 years of history. That's a fairly big chunk of your life wasted if you decide to end it.
Think about it very carefully.
Even if you did decide to go ahead and have sex with this other man, well then the sex is all that it would be. There wouldn't be anything beyond that. There'd be no love - no substance to it at all.
You now have to think about what's really important to you.
In most cases where two married people meet each other and start to build a rapport between them, it's a kind of fantasy and like living in a bubble. It's even magical in a way. Yes, the feelings are real (infatuation, attraction etc.), but that's where reality stops. There isn't the cold hard reality of dirty washing, ironing, bills, mortgages or rent, sickness, bad moods, arguments. These things just don't exist. So it's a dreamlike state.
It seduces people into a false sense of security.
You say that you see each other every day - so maybe you work together - and that you get along really well.
The problem is you are building an emotional connection, but eventually you are going to come to a point where you will both want it to be more than just talking.
Just supposing you do decide to have sex with him, somewhere down the line, then you will start to get emotionally involved.
You might then get to a point where you want him to leave his wife. Most of these unions don't last, because of the way they started.
Would you want to marry a man who cheats on his wife? Before you knew it, when he got bored with you, he'd then be cheating on you! It follows a pattern.
There would always be issues of trust. Every time one of you got home late from work, the other would be wondering who they are with. And that's perfectly understandable.
Do you really want that for yourself?
And knowing that it probably wouldn't work out, he'd be very unlikely to leave his wife for you anway. Because it would be a HUGE gamble - for both of you. So that's another thing to think about.
Also, these friendships are always secretive. Sneaking around here and there, trying not to be seen by anyone who knows you. Things like Christmas, birthdays, family get togethers - you couldn't be together then. To say the very least, it would be pretty stressful.
You'd get very tired of all the secrecy and guilt in a very short time, and you would then start to argue about it. Believe me, you don't want that.
Be very careful what you wish for.
And another thing is, most of these liaisons happen out of pure boredom. Not enough fun in people's lives. Certainly in this other man's case, anyway.
I realize that in your case, it's about the lack of sex, but not really anything else.
You are being tempted out of curiosity, of what you have never had.
In the meantime, don't make any decisions, but have a heart to heart talk to your husband, regards seeing about his impotence problem, and let him know openly, that it is making you unhappy. Just be honest about how it hasn't been a problem up until now.
Don't mention the other man, because that will be adding fuel to the fire.
It's never too late to have impotence seen to, and it definitely does sound like it could save your marriage.
One thing is certain, if he DOES NOT want to have the problem fixed - after talking to you about it - well then, it might be time for a decision by you.
The fact that you talk to him about it and he then knows how much of a problem it is to you, well then that should be enough to spur him into action if he knows you might leave him!
He's lived with it for so long now that he probably never gives it any thought. He's just accepted it. He probably also didn't believe that anything could be done. I get that.
He's probably never had it brought to light before now, because he presumed that you just accepted it as a fact of life. He might get a shock by you talking about it - after 13 years - but nevertheless, it does need to be talked about - now.
If you do not talk, it's only going to result in big, big arguments eventually. And it will be sooner rather than later. Because it's already a problem to you now.
Before you do broach the subject with him, go onto the internet and enquire about "male impotence", and you will find lots and lots of useful information, I'm sure. It's really worth it to do this.
Then and only then, have a talk to him about it.
Even though he is 12 years older than you, and because you have stayed with him for 13 years, that shows that the initial attraction is still there. That seems clear.
So surely, because of that, if you could fix up his impotence problem, well then the relationship would be complete!
That makes sense, don't you think?
Then there would be nothing missing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): i found most of the cheaters come to forum only to gather support when their conscience starts asking question to them against the desires. I feel it is best to not respond to them is best way. answers do not matter, they will create sufferings any way for all 21 lives. A simple stats will tell that one cheating creates continuous sufferings in 21 lives in life time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Ahhhhhhh, surely you are not disagreeing with my statement , male Anon reader? Instead of her cheating with a married man with kids, can she not leave her husband and go find a single man, then she can have all the sex she wants.Yes the OPs situation is sad in that her hbs erectile dysfunction is destroying her marriage.OP do you want to be the other woman? If you do then there is Nothing anyone here on DC can say that will change your mind.I am not being judgemental , merely saying it like it is. LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Wow, LoveGirl, that's a pretty strong statement (and unhelpful) for someone who is going through such a difficult situation! A looking through rose coloured glasses type of statement and a morally judgmental one at that (which I am sure isn't what she is looking for) but NOT reality.
Let's deal in reality, shall we?
You have to remember that it takes two people to destroy a marriage, not only one. And from what she has described, the married man seems pretty taken by her as well. If they decide to cheat, they will do it and nothing anyone can do or say will stop them. Life is complicated and so are people's emotions and feelings and what drives them to do the things they do. We can never fully comprehend what is going on in their shoes so let's not try. Sometimes temptation is too hard to resist under the perfect circumstances.
I do think she needs to leave her husband before any of this happens, though. It is sad but her husband's situation will never change and it will always leave the door open for her to be tempted and possibly cheat with someone down the road, if it is not this married man. This may not be the answer but finding someone worthy of her who can meet her needs might be.
I do fully agree with the phoenic when he says "When we are young we can fall in love with people whom we arent sexually pleased with but as we grow older and we dont have our basic needs (like sex) fullfilled we end either divorced or cheating."
She was young and had no life or sexual experiences to base her marriage decision on. Now that she is older and has the benefit of some experience behind her, she can see that marrying this man was not the right decision.
She is kidding herself if she thinks she can live this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): So are u not concerned about the home wrecker label? He has a wife and kids too so you want to destroy his marriage?If you crave sex so much get a vibrator, Not Another Woman's Husband.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (24 April 2011):
sorry when i gave my first answer i didnt realize that the other man is marriedbecause it is bad to ruin someone elses marriage my adivse to you would beif there is no hope in the future for you to have FULLFILING sex with you husbandget divorced and find a right man who can fullfill your needswhen we are young we can fall inlove with people whom we arent sexually pleased with but as we grow olderand we dont have our basic needs (like sex) fullfilledwe end either divorced or cheatingi dont want you to end as a cheaterbut living a sexless life is quite devistating indeedGood Luck
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (24 April 2011):
imhowhat you are going through is very naturaland happened many times beforeget divorced and marry this new man if he realy loves you as much as you love him or atleast find a man who can fullfill your physical needs as much as your spiritual needs
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Hi, I think it is very important part of the story, why is your husband impotent?
Is this psychological, or is he has an illness?
Because ,if you know ,when you married him, that he is sick, and you went with him, I think you were wrong.
But ,we can make mistakes. I agree, that you need to end the marriage, before you get into any sexual activates. Not because, of religion, but because cheating is wrong, in any form. Also backfires all the time.
Sex is important ,but not sure, that sexual relationship will lead to partnership. Unfortunately,things not always come together. So make sure, to follow,the right order. Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Hi there, hope this logic helps, why not take the anxiety out of the situation and talk to a natural therapist such as a homeopath and nutrionist, some of them are even doctors, then start looking at helping your husband with is hormones, I understand this is a good place to start and that there are certainly natural treatments for this.Then perhaps gently suggest that he could also look at some counselling in case there are some emotional issues to deal with. If you can explain to him that you feel you would both get a lot out of it then I am sure he might oblige. Perhaps he is scared to look at what is going on for him, but once he gets started things will turn around.I'm not sure sacrificing 13 years of love with a good man is worth a fling...you may find out the hard way that it's not if you jump ahead based on your frustration.You are certainly allowed to be happy, but have you tried the above yet? If not give it a go -it would be worth it I'm sure! All the best to you hopefully for a happy life and love life with your husband.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 Ok for the moment take the other man out of the equation and lets just talk about your marriage. You say you are unhappy therefore if things are that bad well then you need to leave your husband and get used to being single again. You give me the impression that you wont leave your husband until you are sure that this other guy wants to be with you. But that shouldnt be what matters. You should be able to walk from the marriage wether there is another guy waiting or not. Its about your happiness nobody elses. So if you are not happy in your marriage tell him and end it. People who say they dont need a sexual relationship in there marriage is wrong it is a very important part of it.
Its time to leave your husband and start a new life if you are unhappy. Also every man is different so I cannot tell if you being a virgin will make him run. Everyone on this planet is different and has different opinions. Yes it will be a shock to him but it doesnt mean that he will run. Even if he does. You need to learn to be happy in life even if this does mean that you are single it shouldnt matter.
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