A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I come from a big family. We were very close but I feel a little far from them now. My boyfriend was an only child. There is a birthday at least every 2 months in the family, and especially if it's the kids we like to have a party. There are also other events such as weddings and christenings. Etc. Normal family stuff. My boyfriend grew up without all this. He thinks sometimes it's stupid. I never forced him to come, though in the beginning he would. Then he started not coming. So I'd just go on my own. now it's a case of as soon as the invitation has left my mouth. "no. Im not going and if you've got respect for me, you won't either". Sometimes he even tells me not to bother coming backIf i go.Iv missed a lot of get togethers, sadly. However now it is a wedding coming upAnd the big difference is, it won't be repeated next year, like the birthdays etc. It's like he's making me chose, him or family.What would you do?I do love him, a lot. And we've been through a lot together. But he expects me to sacrifice everything that's important to me. Iv sacrificed a lot- nights out with friends, certain clothing, iv been vegetarian all my life but iv started eating meat as he told me it's essential for having kids with him.But logically, I know you only get one life, and one family. And these are memories never to be made again. My choice seems to be stat with him, but it's all on his conditions and sacrifice things which I enjoy. Or leave and find someone who accepts me for who I am. For the first time in 3 years I am genuinely thinking of a plan for leaving. However my heart is not fully In it.What would you guys do? Iv always gotten great advice from here before. Have you ever left someone even though you loved them deeply, since you just had different beliefs? Did you get over them. Right now I feel guilty for even thinking of leaving since at times he is sweet, and in the past he has done things for me.Thanks in advance for any advice
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (26 July 2011):
Single children often grow up expecting to be put first and are good at making you feel guilty if you do anything else. My father was like that and try as hard as she could my mother suffered a lifetime of guilt and grief. Sounds like you risk the same if you don't take some real action to make your man join in the human race.
You need to understand what motivates him, he's almost certainly not setting out to be mean to you, he's never enjoyed a real family life and probably feels very lonely and left out in a large family group. You have to make him join in. Put you foot down and refuse to take shit from him. If he doesn't change then you will have to make a decision about your own future and if you are prepared to give up so much for him. Good luck!
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Yes you're in the right. Absolutely.
If you give into the guilt, you'll be stuck here, missing out on your family, becoming less and less attached to them, and basically being non existant?
This is what these kind of people do, they guilt you, they manipulate you, they make you feel that you're in the wrong and basically beat you down.
Don't worry, You can do it!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 You did pick up your own family over him. And it was the right choice, in fact a mandatory choice. Family vs controlling,abusive,manipulative bf ? Family wins hand down.
Stay strong. You did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 he's the disrespectful one..
he's manipulating and playing you
he's asking you to pick him or your family...
the person who asks for a choice.... is the loser...
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Ok he changed his tune after he saw you packing?
Darling, he is manipulating your feelings.
You DID choose your family over him, because your family was the better of the two! You did nothing wrong.
You DID not disrespect him and you have no reason to feel sorry for him.
You stood up to him and broke away from his control. Now he wants to make you feel bad about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. So I went and he did break up with me (as predicted). However when he saw me packing my stuff he did a complete turn around. The outcome of it has been me feeling like I was really selfish, after everything he's done for me I picked a family celebration over him. Am I in the right? He's actually managed to make me feel sorry for him and like I did disrespect him by going..... I'm now really confused and don't know what to do :(
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 July 2011):
That's a cinch,darling.
Just tell your parents that you had to break up because your ex wanted to prevent you from attending family events and wanted to make you choose between him and your family.... and they'll be making a bonfire with his pictures and dancing wildly around it with savage yells of joy. Don't you worry about that- they can only be HAPPY for this outcome.
As for you moving out on your own, maybe they won't be as deliriously happy about that, but if you explain them calmly ,kindly and firmly your reasons, eventually they'll be fine with it. You are not a child anymore, and , unless you plan to go live in the most dangerous ,roughest neighborhood of your town, they'll realize there's no reason why living alone is less safe than living with a controlling, unbalanced bully as you did till now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 It is simple. It is hard to tell someone, but very easy too. All you have to say is "we split up" or "we ended it", or something that you think fits. Keep it short, and no explanations or introductions needed. Tell your mother, and hopefully she will spread the word so that you wont have to face any embarrassing questions.
If it makes you laugh, just the other day I ran into a friend of my ex. She wasn't aware that we'd split up, and I didn't know she didn't know. I was invited up to her flat for coffee. We sat down and chatted like friends, since me and her do get along, just haven't seen each other in a while. Midways through conversation she asks how things are going now that I've found the love of my life... Hahah!
I looked at her and though how embarrassing isn't this. "Oh, you don't know do you, he didn't tell you... Uhm, there's something you need to know..."
Informing people of a break-up is hard. But you survive. It's only embarrassing or hurtful for a little moment, and then it gets better.
So tell your parents "There is something you must know. I'm single/we split up/we are no longer seeing each other."
If they ask why, and you aren't ready to answer that question, say "I would rather not go into the details right now, it happened not long ago, I will talk to you about it later" or "It is too personal".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again guys, so I'm returning home this weekend, my family think I'm coming Friday-Monday but I need to somehow break the news that it's over.... Any advice on how I can do this?? They've obviously an idea that alls not perfect, since they have seen less and less of me. However they did take him into the family, and in the beginning he was part of it all. I just don't know what to say, how to answer all the questions which are going to be thrown at me.......It's also kind of awkward.... And telling them iv broken up with him is going to make it that more final that it's over.... I'm feeling a sense of relief but obviously great sadness as well since I do love him and we have been together a long time. I just don't know how I'm going to find the words to tell them but this weekend is the best time since I'm there. Also, after much thought, whilst I love my family dearly iv decided it would be very hard for me to move back in with them after having my own space for so long. I also live in a different city where I work and study so it makes sense for me to stay here and get my own flat. I know they will be (understandably) worried about the though of me living on my own.If I could, I'd sign for my own flat and move in tomorrow. However I do have to tell my parents, which i just feel unable to do.....Thanks aunts and uncles for your time and understanding :)
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 July 2011):
Good for you sweetie.
If you will be returning just to collect your things, make sure you have someone with you!
Sadly, this man has isolated you so much, that he has made you dependant on him for your self worth.
Start taking it back. Now, be prepared, because as YOU get stronger, he might lash out. That is out of FEAR of loss of control. REMEMBER THAT!
You own you. Not him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much for your answers. It's this weekend and yes I am going whether he likes it or not. And he will tell me not to come back, so I wont, unless it's to collect my stuff!
Iv been thinking about it all day and everytime I start to feel guilty or scared, I just re read all your answers. It again reminds me that what I'm doing is the best for me. Reading them again and again just gives me that bit more of a shove and that little more confidence.
Another thing which was holding me back was the feeling I'd have no one to talk to when i was feeling low. Since iv been with him iv lost most of my friends and of course feel a bit distant from my family. However coming on here has really allowed me to vent, and gain some much needed support :)
Thanks guys!
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Your guy is very selfish and you shouldn't be with him. They're your family and you don't know how long they're going to be around, so you have to stay with your tradition. Just because he didn't grow up like you did doesn't mean that he shouldn't be able to understand and accept how you do things. Just because you love him doesn't mean he's right for you. Why would you give up your vegetarianism for him? You've been that way forever and he shouldn't force you to change. You need to leave him. He's no good for you and if you end up marrying this guy or having kids with him, it's only going to get worse. Either leave this guy (I hope you do), or go to the family events and don't give a crap if he's mad that you go.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (18 July 2011):
Hey OP
I can empathise with you to a certain degree, as my ex was a bit like this. I would drop everything for him but it didn't work both ways, and he didn't want to spend time with my family. He didn't try to stop me seeing them, however, but I know that I did see them less often because of the way things were between me and him. In hindsight of course I really regret that now, and of course now I'm not in that relationship it's easy to see how I let myself be influenced by him. Hindsight surely is a wonderful thing isn't it!
OP don't feel bad about yourself, or about what you have or haven't done. You need to focus on what you are going to do and how you are going to sort this situation out. You know that your bf's attitude is wrong, but I can appreciate that it is hard to break away from the relationship. I think you know that this is the right thing to do though, and it is what you must do. Of course you will miss your bf, and remember the good things, but in time you will see that his controlling behaviour was very harmful to you, and you will be glad that you got out of that situation. Stand up for what YOU want and if he threatens to leave, leave him first! He is using this sort of emotional abuse and manipulation to control you and it's a very cruel thing to do. You have the insight to see he is doing this, and now you need to put an end to it. Don't put him in front of your family. Family is family, boyfriends come and go.
Good luck! I'm sure you can do it.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 July 2011):
Wanted to add something that I had to learn the hard way.
"Peace at ANY price, is no peace at all"
This man abuses you and will continue to abuse you as long as you give him the permission to do so. You permitting him is his only REAL power.
If you really want to imagine your future with this man, imagine having small children who are being dictated to what they are to eat, to wear, that they can not see their grandparents (your family) and who they can not play with if their families are not "proper" with a bossy man at the head of household.
He is acting like you work for him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2011):
If he believes it's right then does that have to mean your beliefs are wrong? Do you think what you believe is wrong? Even if you want to excuse him, clearly you know you do not see eye to eye on this matter. Who's right or wrong becomes irrelevant. A partner doesn't get to control the other just because he feels he is in the right to. And you do not want a partner who controls you either.
You shouldn't excuse him. If he's dead set on being a controlling boyfriend and can't see a darnest thing wrong about it, then let him go search for a girlfriend who's happy to be his little minion. And break yourself free from this cage he's putting you in. You'll be so much happier once he's out of your life and you can return to being who you are.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 July 2011):
Don't go find excuses for him.
"That's the way he grew up ". Oh really ? Did he grow up thinking it's Ok to dictate other people whom they can see ,how close should they be to their family , what his girlfriend can eat ?... Where did he grow up, Maoist China ? Among the Talibans ?... And, wherever and however he has grown up, well- then he grew up BAD, and you should not indulge him one sec longer.
And now we come to the difficult part, i.e. you know perfectly what you should do but you won't do it because it's hard and you are afraid you'll suffer.
Of course it's hard, and of course you'll suffer ( even if probably, much less than you expect ). You can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, and you can't leave someone you are in love with without suffering.
Not surprising. All valuable things - like freedom, dignity and self respect - come with a price.
You have to decide how much value you give to yourself, which on turn determines how high is the price you'd be willing to pay.
Btw : don't think that the alternative - staying with him and let him bully you- will be less painful. Maybe right now it is. It's early. Give him time, when the "in love " stage will be over, the sexual pull will be less, and he'll start to sort of taking you for granted. Then he's really gonna wipe his feet with you, - and then, if you want to talk about really suffering, write us back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for advice. Yes he does control my life to quite an extent, but sonetimes it's hard to hate him for this as its all he's ever known, he grew up like this. When I try confront him he will be totally shocked but still maintain he's innocent. So I guess the hard thing is, he's not doing it out of spite, he believes it's right.
We've been together about 3 years, and I don't go to any events anymore. I do see my family but Its not the same as it's often impossible for us all to get together at once. We all work different kinds of jobs and just busy lives in general.
I guess he feels threatened by these gatherings, I don't know why. My family have done everything they can to make him feel welcome. They are not what he considers a "proper" family however. I.e man in charge woman stays home. He therefore seems to look down on them sometimes. He has actually told me he doesn't want me to be close to them.
I never forced him to come. Despite this, whenever his friends invited us somewhere I'd drop everything and go. When they wanted to come round in the evenings I'd stay up and cook for them, socialise etc even though it was quite frequent and I do work/study full time.
In short Iv always been happy to make him happy of that makes sense. Before I met him, no I didnt goto every single family gathering. But there's a difference between I cant come I'm working etc, to I can't go even if
I want to or he'll break up with me. I find it ridiculous that any man should tell me I can't see my family, or that I should only celebrate Christmas with them "sometimes", just because he doesn't believe it. Because I love him, and because I'm always happy to join in whatever he's celebrating. Whether I believe in it/like the person/ have other commitments or whatever!
I guess my situation is ridiculous and I'm stupid to have stayed to let it get this far. However I'm having a hard time leaving him. I'm just too weak and scared of the pain, scared of missing him I guess. Whenever I try he will just put on the innocent act and make me feel I'm abandoning him. Even if he is the one who has broken up with me.
Just feel my life is such a mess now :(
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 July 2011):
Your bf is a bully .
I sort of see where is coming from, I am not much into family gatherings myself, and I had a SO who had seven (!)siblings who were forever getting married,having birthdays and celebrating together everything , even the purchase of a new kitchen appliance . Personally I neither like nor understand this "tribal " way of living, and undoubtedly it takes away much one on one time from the couple. BUT, I was happy for him that he could enjoy the comfort and security of such a close family bond, and never did anything to restrain him from attending these events , thinking that to each his own, and, who knows, maybe I am the "wrong " one ,if I am not able to dig this kind of stuff.
Your bf also wants to dictate what you eat - and I am afraid these things are just the tip of the iceberg. Pretty soon he'll also decide what you can wear, where and when you can work, what friends you are allowed to have, and so on and so forth.
If you are smart , you'd nip all that in the bud and...bolt. Love has got nothing to do with putting your loved one on a leash.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): I was in an abusive relationship long enough to know one when I see it. Tell him enough is enough. Get out. Live your life. Follow your dreams.
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Melone +, writes (18 July 2011):
If he does not support you with your family he will not support you in other aspects of your wants and dreams. Family will always be there for you and men come and go through the years. If I were in you position I would run like the wind. No one would make me miss a family function, NO ONE!!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 July 2011):
He sounds very controlling.
Making you eat meat for the children you might have? HUH?
Does he think this will impair your ability to conceive or raise children?
He has EVERY right in the world to back out of plans for HIMSELF, but to demand you not attend out of respect for him??? Of course you do not need to attend every event, but the ones you really want to, because they are people you grew up with and are happy for their life..by all means, NO one has the right to tell you NOT to go as proof of your love or respect!
He demands respect, but does not give it. You have a big, tight family. He does not get what that is like. Did he not think about if he gets married to you, he is marrying INTO your family too?
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (18 July 2011):
You don't just have "different beliefs" He's controlling your life.
He doesn't love you for you, he loves your for this person he's molded you into.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 You're family comes first. I don't know how long you've been with your boyfriend but judging from your age, he does not have a right to demand these things from you and if he does, what is he sacrificing for you? He demands that you do these things, saying that you would do them if you loved him and if you respected him but what is he doing to show you? These things are disrespectful to you and they show a great deal of selfishness. Christenings are alright, if he doesn't believe then so be it, he has his own beliefs but to ask you not to go to the weddings or birthdays of your own family is far too much to ask.
I think it is better that you leave him. You might think you love him now and that might be the case but later in life you'll find someone far better than he and you will love him like no other because he accepts you for you, he SUPPORTS you and that is the key to any and every healthy relationship.
I hope that helps.
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