A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner moved in with me in April and he’s told me he feels unhappy and hasn’t laughed or joked in ages. He says it’s not me and he’s happy with me but he’s making me doubt the relationship. He’s told me he needs to lose weight and get his fitness levels up. He’s always sleeping and I understand he has a stressful job with a lot of travelling. I feel like I have to keep my problems or concerns to myself and it’s just about how he feels. He doesn’t initiate sex anymore and when I do he either says he’s tired or he does it cause he has to. He seems down and makes no effort with my family to get to know them. He doesn’t live near his family or friends and has no friends where he lives with me. I’m starting to question the relationship and have we rushed into moving in together.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2023): OK.
Usually there's a period of adaptation. It can be tough. And then poeple just get through it. Communication is the key.
My husband and I have spontaneously started living together. He just kept spending more and more time at my place, started bringing his clothes, started repairing things... so we kind of slowly got into it.
But here's the thing, something you said that worries me: " I feel like I have to keep my problems or concerns to myself and it’s just about how he feels."
It means that you are walking on eggshels around him! You are doing everything you can to make sure that he's fine, because he's imposing his emotins on you, since he cannot deal with them.
This is A MAJOR RED FLAG.
If you say yes to this kind of behavior now, it will only get worse. You will be living HIS LIFE and neglecting your own needs. He's not your kid. And even kids at some point learn how to sooth themselves, deal with their own emotions without needing their parents to do that for them.
People like that impose their needs and their problems on others. They use their pain to blackmail others into doing what they want them to do.
I'm not saying that this is the case with your partner. I'm just telling you to watch out.
They can be great on so many other levels, true, but still be damaged in this way and make life hell for their partners and children.
And if you wonder WHY this behavior started when you moved in. It actually did start at that point. It just became more visible, because now he feels more comfortable. He stopped trying to tone it down.
If he's depressed he needs professional help. You are not his shrink! You are not his mother. Ypu can help him find teh help that he needs, but please do not take on the roles you are not meant to play. I'm writing this from experience. You will pay with years and years of your life and he won't change, because you would be enabling him.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 August 2023):
 You're questioning the wrong thing. Instead of questioning the relationship, you should be questioning his mental health because it looks like he's depressed. Weight gain, low fitness, constantly down, unhappy, always sleeping, not interested in sex, disinterested.... These are telltale, textbook signs of depression.
I honestly don't think this has to do with you guys moving on together; I feel that there's a lot more going on and as a result, he's not as happy and excited as you about this big step.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 August 2023):
 You two need to sit down and talk, TELL him how you feel.
See how it goes.
If things are already "MEH!" after 3 months of living together ten MAYBE you two aren't really right for each other.
You are already walking on eggshells, that isn't good.
"to lose weight and get his fitness levels up. He’s always sleeping and I understand he has a stressful job with a lot of travelling. I feel like I have to keep my problems or concerns to myself and it’s just about how he feels. "
YOU need to talk to him, HE needs to listen.
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