A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a Male friend who is now divorced. We don't live together. He told me his ex-wife starting coming over once a week to collect junk mail, visit their cats (as he kept all of them), AND she cooks him breakfast while she's there. When I ask him about the breakfast part he says "I'm not going to say no if she cooks while she's here visiting the cats". Confused as he talked soo bad about her and couldn't wait to get her of the home. Should I cut off this friendship or give him an ultimatum? Confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2023): Ultimatums are cruel, you have no right to and they tend to backfire on you when they resent it and choose the opposite of what you are trying to force them to do. Whatever the outcome they resent you for trying to so you will be the loser if you do. If they are already thinking about ending it with you or losing interest in you this will make sure they go off you even quicker.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2023):
 I'm 100% with Ciar,
No ultimatums (you have to real "right" to tell him what he can and can't do in his own home nor control what kind of relationship he has with his ex).
He isn't over his ex, obviously.
Sure, he talks smack about her to get sympathy from YOU. It's a typical tactic to make a new potential partner work "extra" hard on being "perfect" in comparison with a "bad ex".
Just wish him and his ex well and find someone who isn't so into his ex (and he is) as this guy. For all his smack talk he clearly enjoys that she still fusses over him.
Don't ever be a 3-rd wheel in a relationship. Or 4th if you count the cats...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2023): Ciar. You make some good points. But some people visit their ex cats. Years ago when I was with my first husband and we very busy and struggling for every penny we could get just to pay essentials my now ex husband came home and told me we were taking in a car for an old couple. They did not want to have it at theirs anymore. So from now on we would have it and take care of it - feed up, vets etc. And they would come over whenever they fancy to visit it and play with it! I was furious and told him that no this will not happen. It is their cat. We are not going to be running back and forth to the vet or paying for it's food yet they come over and play with it whenever it suits. Nor were we going to rearrange our times and schedules to be there to let them in and supervise them in our home. The couple had to keep their cat but very much wanted this arrangement. If we had had the time to look after a cat and pay for it we would have got our own. My ex was incredibly naive and soft, one of the reasons I divorced him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 August 2023):
 I would definitely not give him an ultimatum. It's not your place to make rules for him, especially if your association is still new enough to refer to it as 'seeing a male friend'.
Instead I would quietly back off. If he's this involved with an ex, then I totally get not wanting to risk being a third wheel. He might consider it no big deal, but visiting your ex and making breakfast for him, when presumably they have no children together is a no-go for me.
Personally, I would only date someone who was well and truly done with his ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2023): This is NOT just a friendship, so when you say cut off this friendship you mean "relationship", such as it is.I don't know if English is your mother tongue, but this sentence is very confusing:"I've been seeing a Male friend who is now divorced. "It leads us to believe that you were seeing him too when he was married. No matter.He obviously likes the attention of 2 women.Visiting the cats is as lame as it gets. Nobody "visits" the cats. You either take them with you (at least one) and say others goodbye. So yeah. Whether they have sex or not, this is weird. His reaction is not ok if he's really with you. Why aren't you all three having breakfast together if all of this is so friendly?And btw, you yourself don't know how to call the thing that you two are having. So maybe it's just off and on sex, no strings attached, in which case, well hey, sky's the limit for both of you.
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