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anonymous
writes: My son's father has a mental health problem and we have been having a lot of ups and downs. We decided to split after a three-year relationship,I want to know if we have made the right choice, as we have a child together and need to stay in contact, which brings back the feeling of wanting to be a family.
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reader, Ruth +, writes (28 April 2005):
I think Bev has answered your question perfectly. I have a very similar situation, my ex has also very mild mental health problems that stem back to days of drug using. I think it would be wrong to cut him out of you and your son's life as your son needs to have both parents around as long as you feel safe with that. Only you know if you have made the right choice, especially if your feelings aren't what they should be. I hope it works out for you.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (28 April 2005):
 The definition of "being a family" is very elastic these days and certainly includes other groups than "Dad, Mum and The Kids". And the fact is, if Dad and Mum aren't well-suited to each other, that particular family arrangement can do more harm than good. "Mum and Her Son" is a pretty good definition of family, as is "Dad and His Boy".What's ultimately more important than being a threesome is that you both work to ensure that your son has the best possible parents you can both be. That might mean that you live together, but it might also mean that you live apart, treat each other respectfully and both love your child unconditionally from your separate homes.Since you state that your ex has mental health issues and that your past has already had its "ups and downs", I suspect that there's been enough difficulty in your lives already. Trying to force yourselves to conform to some unrealistic ideal is only going to demonstrate to your son that two adults can live together and be unhappy. It's a far better lesson to show him that two people who are imperfect (like all the rest of us) can both put aside their differences for a good cause.If you want a short-and-sweet answer to your question, then Yes, you did the right thing. Perhaps one day your ex will recover from the mental illness problems and/or work through them. When that happens, you can reassess where you both stand. Until that time, do what you have to do to provide your son with a stable, loving homelife and try to put his needs above anything else.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2005): You really have to follow your heart on this one...but you wanted advice, so here goes... First off, if he has a "mental health" problem I think it would be better if you and your son cut him out of your lives because he could do some damage. Second off...if you left him already, you have done the hardest part...the rest just gets easier.
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