A
male
age
41-50,
*onfused2012
writes:I have been dealing with confusion and pain for about a year and a half now. I am at a point that I need to make a decision to leave my wife or continue to try to be in love with her. I am 35 and have been married for the last 10 years with two kids. The marriage proposal was forced as my wife gave me an ultimatum to marry after being together for 4 years or we part ways. I felt marriage was the next step and I didn’t want to be alone. For the next 6-7 years, marriage was okay and bad, mostly bad. 4 year ago my wife and I expected our first child and life changed. Two years later my wife approached me about having a second child. I told her that we first need to work on us if we bring another child into the world. I was debating at that time to move on and separate but life was so hectic I just lived through my marriage’s faults and problems. Eventually, we bought a house and it seemed natural to have a second child even though we were having our ups and downs. What was I thinking? I wanted out but I was hoping things would improve if we had another child. This is where my life spins out of control.About a year ago, I was camping for a weekend with a couple of my friends, one who was getting married and having his bachelor party at the same time. There was a bachelorette party from another state who also was camping near our camp site. Long story short, I met the women who I will identify as my soul mate. We looked into each other’s eyes and we just knew we were meant to be. I was married and she had a long standing relationship with her boyfriend. We decided that it was better not to act on our feelings for the sake of our current relationships.A couple days later, the women I met at the campground contacted me by looking me up on the internet. We started talking and immediately the same feelings I felt a week back rushed in. Everything about her that my wife wasn’t, she was. After a month of emailing back and forth, we agreed to meet up which would require a 6 hour drive to see her. Before we saw each other, she broke off her two year relationship with her boyfriend. She told him that she met a guy who she was falling for. I didn’t tell my wife. We met and from that point forward my life was changed. I fell in love with her and I decided that I needed to tell my wife that I wanted a divorce. The timing was off. She was 6 months pregnant with our second child. I told her anyway. My wife left the house and filed for divorce. We agreed to split the visitation 50/50 with our child. I continued my relationship with my girlfriend and my second child was born a month later. As months go by I realized that I will be losing my house and the ability to see my kids on a regular basis. I also wanted my girlfriend to move and live with me, fearing to be alone. She could not move for another year due to work. As the divorce trial got closer, I panicked. I broke off the relationship with my girlfriend because I didn’t want to be alone and I went back to my wife for convenience and for the kid’s sake. We went to marriage counseling which didn’t help. There is insecurity and mistrust by both of us. A year has passed and I am still with my wife but only in form. I love my wife but I am not in love with her. It’s hard to force yourself to be in love with someone. I have told her this and she is ready to give up as so am I. I can’t stand living like this way anymore.I have come to the conclusion that I am still in love with my ex girlfriend. I think about her during the day and dream about her at night. I don’t know what is holding me back. Maybe the only thing that is stopping me is the fact that I am scared to make that leap, that chance. So many times I wanted to see her but I decided against it. I wanted to try to make things work with my wife which obviously is not happening. I am confused, scared of being alone and very tired of feeling emotionally exhausted and trying to work at something that is obviously not working. Any help would be appreciated.
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divorce, ex girlfriend, fell in love, move on, my ex, soulmate, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Oh, please, leave your wife and go back to the girlfriend. Your wife can obviously do so much better. You have not given one single "problem" in your marriage, except the fact that you developed feelings for a woman other than your wife and you're torn between the two. You've already made your decision. You came here and instead of making your marriage your main concern, your "girlfriend" is. You finally got the balls to tell your wife (if you can call it that, I thought balls were for men who stayed with their pregnant wives), and go to this other woman, only to leave said woman and go back to your wife. Sorry if I'm coming off as mean... I do, however, commend you on at least breaking it off before having a relationship or being sexual.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): If you're so scared of being alone then get a roommate or two or more. You don't need an intimate relationship if all you're concerned about is not being alone. Move out, get divorced and live with some male roommates so you won't be stringing women along pretending to be committed to them just to keep them around to avoid being alone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): Stop messing with your wife's life and follow through with your divorce already. The marriage is not going to get better because you never liked her all that much and now you've hurt her too deeply that she cant trust you and resents you. Even now you tell your wife you want to work on the marriage yet at the same time you're contemplating how to get back with your girlfriend. You have no commitment to anyone. You brought 2 kids into an unstable family. You wanted out of the marriage yet decided to get your wife pregnant anyeay. Set your poor wife free already. Stop yanking her around with lies and false intentions. And don't you dare even call up your girlfriend even if your wife leaves you. You messed with her emotions in a cruel way. You would rather go back to a wife you dont like and who now is infinitely hurt from your cheating while she was pregnant with your child, than follow through with divorce and wait a few months for the woman you say is your soulmate? Who does that? She changed her circumstances for you yet you didnt do the same for her and pulled the rug out from under her. This woman should stay away from you for her own good. You don't deserve her. until you have made some major changes in yourself to become more stable you will no doubt mess with her emotions again. You can't be trusted in your present condition so you need to stay away from these women and any others until you have got your fear issues resolved. You need to be stable on your own before you start involving other people. Otherwise you're just going to take everyone on a roller coaster ride and destroy those relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): I read your post and thought what a mess.. A mess of your life . A mess of your wife's and children's of the girlfriend you had .. All because you can't make up your mind what or who you want.I'm sorry to say as I hate to judge people , you are extremely selfish.. And you deserve to be left on your own..You need to make a clean break from your wife, stop playing with her emotions and let her get on with her life without you.. Yes you'll miss the kids but you need to let her go, you don't love her and all your causing is misery.I don't know whether gf will get back together with you if I was she I'd give you a wide berth.. You need to get therapy to work out you and be a good caring supportive dad first of. Then a lover lastly .Your children are now your priority and their happiness and contentment the most important thing in your life..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): You really need to learn to be OK with being alone. If not for yourself, then for the other people around you whom you're hurting because you mislead them into thinking you're on board with something when you're not. your wife had no problems being alone - she filed for divorce and moved out. And she did this even when she was 6 months pregnant, you know how hard that is?? yet she did it. it's not impossible.your 'soulmate' had no problems being alone - she broke up with her boyfriend before doing the 6-hour drive to meet you , at that point she had no guarantees that things would work between you so she was willing to be alone if that's what it came to.take your cue from these two women in your life, and do the same. force yourself to take the leap and be alone and learn to deal with that so the fear breaks its grip on you.I can't believe you broke up with your girlfriend and went back to your wife because you couldn't endure just one year of living by yourself while STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP with your gf. that's nuts.now you're trying to work things out with your wife while simultaneously entertaining thoughts of reconnecting with your gf. For sure your relationship with your wife will not improve as long as you're still doing this.Your fear is out of control. You may want to see a doctor about it, anti-anxiety medication could really help. I'm serious. it is not normal for a grown man to be so deathly afraid of being alone that he will do anything no matter how illogical and damaging to other people to avoid being alone for even a few months despite actually being in a relationship. Your fear seems extreme and pathological, therefore I really suggest you seek professional help. Since you went to marriage counseling, why not start with that counselor.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): The reason you're in such a mess and so emotionally exhausted is because all of your life decisions up until this point have been driven by your FEAR of BEING ALONE. This has led to a lot of wishy washy behavior which negatively impacts other people because you keep changing your mind after you have given them your word. You have created this mess, and you alone are responsible for it.This has got to stop. You need to work on your fear of being alone. the need to avoid being alone at all costs has led you choose whatever was the path of least resistance at the time, such that rather than making sound decisions you have been making one disastrous decision after another, and wrecking relationships along the way by involving other people who find out the hard way that they can't rely on you to keep your word.Of course your wife mistrusts you. You cheated on her and then left her and then came crawling back. you've shown her that you're emotionally weak, unreliable, and dishonest. how is she to know that you dont' currently have something up your sleeve even though you're still with her? or that you won't 'panic' again in the future and disappear?And you don't feel great about your wife either, because you never did to begin with. You only married her and had children because it was the path of least resistance, you believed marriage to be "the next step" and not because you felt emotionally invested in her. that's not a great way to treat someone, you've basically just been using your wife to avoid your fear of being alone.You can certainly look up your ex-gf (AFTER you get divorced) but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't trust you anymore either because you did a 180 on her. She had the right approach - she ended her relationship FIRST before officially starting one with you. She behaved honorably. She took the RISK of BEING ALONE by ending things with him first. And now she may be alone since you left her but hey she's doing OK, she will survive...you can do it too. maybe by now she has found a new bf, who knows. if she has, it's only because she took the RISK of being alone so she is free to start a new relationship with anyone. That's what you should do too if you're not invested in your marriage. But you only waited until she was available then you told your wife, and then a month later when the consequences of divorce started happening you did a total 180 and bailed out on your gf and went crawling back to your wife so you wouldn't suffer any losses. that makes you look very wishy washy to her, and other people view wishy-washy people as untrustworthy and unreliable because you never know when they are going to suddenly turn around and go back on their word, as you did to both women. they will now be very guarded around you no matter what you say.OP, it's time to grow a backbone, and realize that being alone is not this overwhelming scary thing. College kids do it all the time. single people do it all the time. Divorced people do it all the time. Your ex-gf is doing it right now (unless she has found a new bf). Being alone is only going to be a temporary situation, sooner or later you'll find someone else.therefore you really need to get over this fear of being alone so you can stop wrecking other people's lives by making commitments you won't follow through on. Otherwise you WILL end up alone but not by your choice but because no woman will trust you enough to want to stay with you.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 You have to get over your fear of being alone and I think you need counselling for that because it is this fear of yours that has led you to where you are right now. You didn't want to be alone so you married your wife. You then left her to be with your girlfriend and it was an overlapping relationship in the beginning so that you wouldn't have to be alone even for a minute. When you realized that your girlfriend couldn't live with you, you panicked and left your girlfriend for your wife again, and only so that you wouldn't be alone.You are the one who has been calling the shots in the entire scenario and you are the one who's doing all the dumping and getting back together. But have you ever realized that one day YOU will be the one who will be dumped and when that happens, no one will accept you because you have been utterly selfish. You had no right to marry your wife if you didn't love her. You had no right to get her pregnant if you didn't want to and then leave her and your kids high and dry and run off with some woman you barely knew. And you had no right to dump that girlfriend who broke off her relationship to be with you.For heaven's sake have some integrity. Life is not just about you or your being alone, there are other people whose lives you are playing with. Accept that you have to be alone at some point of time in your life and you cannot avoid that. If you really feel that you cannot get along with your wife, then do the decent thing and get a divorce. Stop stringing her along. You cant "try" to love her and you wont be doing her any favors by "trying". Stop repeating the same pattern over and over again. The root of your problem lies in your fear of being alone and you have to face that first and learn to deal with it.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (9 October 2012):
My advice is, if you are truly unhappy in the marriage then you need to follow through and seek a divorce. I know how difficult it is, having gone through one myself. On days that I don't have my daughter I miss her. So not seeing your children every day does suck.However, children do best when their parents are happy. If you are miserable and the home environment is toxic, then it is not really in your children's' best interest for you to stay with their mother, nor more than it is in your best interest. That was a myth that I believed for a long time - I should stay with my ex-wife for the sake of our daughter. What I learned is it absolutely has no benefit, and is actually counter productive. When a marriage is not working, I believe, it is always best to end it. It is better for children to be shared between to loving, happy homes than to live in one home where the parents are in a dysfunctional marriage.You have tried counseling and you have obviously thought about this a lot. It is really time for a decision. Can you continue on with things as they are? Will they get better? Or is it in everyone's best interest to dissolve the marriage so you and your wife can begin to move on? I will caution about your ex-girlfriend, though. I'm skeptical that what the two of you had was real, I think it was more a fantasy than anything. You were long distance and it doesn't sound like you spent enough time with her to see all the sides... those character flaws that crop up over time and strain relationships.You are in a difficult spot, I know. The right choice for me was divorce. Three years later, I know I absolutely made the right call. My ex-wife pulled the "marry me or else" ultimatum crap, too. I married too young, and I lacked enough experience to know whether the match was good or not. It wasn't a fit, I am 100% certain now. After years of dating, I have found a wonderful girlfriend that I absolutely adore, and I have never been happier. But if you do seek a divorce and start that up again, there will probably be no going back... and your ex-girlfriend may have moved on... she might not even truly be "the one". So if you do choose to end the marriage, keep in mind that you may be single for a while.Best of luck!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Your fear of being alone is screaming in this post.
Don't you think it is time you tackle your fear and stay ALONE for a while? Your fear keeps putting you in situations you don't want to be in, just because you're so afraid of being alone. You didn't want to marry, but you were scared of being alone. You didn't file for divorce before the children were born, because you were scared of being alone. You didn't leave your marriage until you found a girlfriend, because you couldn't be alone.
You didn't want to continue with your relationship and divorce, because, again, you were scared of being alone.
There is a difference between alone and lonely. You've never been lonely. You had your girlfriend, and although she couldn't be near you at the time, she would be in the future. Just one year. Why was that so hard to face? Why was that so impossible to endure?
So many years in a marriage where you weren't happy, but at least you weren't alone. One year of waiting for someone who makes you happy, but one year alone... And you couldn't do it. Why?
I think what would be best for you is to divorce your wife. You've just put it on hold, but it's already in the process, you just hit the pause button. Time to finish what you started. And then, be alone. Yes. Alone. The dreadfull alone. Test it out, see how it is. And then, once you've learned to cope being on your own... contact your ex girlfriend. But do not contact her until you are able to be alone. She might not come to you, she might need time. And you need to be able to give her that time, you need to be able to be alone and wait for her.
Don't keep making the same mistake over and over.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Ah, yes.... isn't adulthood a bitch?????
You are acting just about EXACTLY as you should.... if you are a guy in his early 30s. That is when we guys go goofy, and try to ressurrect our teenage years.... like, by dating and having s*x with that cute little cheerleader who got away so many years ago.....
It won't be easy... but stick with it. Life WILL GO ON... and you WILL GROW UP.... just not today or tomorrow...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): Hi, confused2012! Honestly, I can't believe how you go back and forth from your wife to gf, from gf to your wife...How exhausting it was for the three of you, I guess.You always think about yourself, You fear being alone, losing your house and NOT seeing your kids, Don't you think your TOO SELFISH? I never heard anything about you telling that your wife has a third party or something.Seems like your wife focus her life about your marriage, your kids, and she even tried to work things out with you,of course, Mistrust and Fear are there after what happen, its not easy to TRUST a person like you..I'm not against you, ok i just base my answer or opinion on what you said. If I were you, Honestly, I would do everything to make my marriage work, Coz the woman I married is the woman who stick with me through thick and thin, I guess. base on your story (I never heard you saying your wife complain but she accepted you back)Because you and your gf haven't tried to be together for years yet. How sure are you that things will be the same after a year or so with your gf? Don't you think that she's not capable of leaving you, once she found another man that will she find interesting too? Because you said she was in a relationship when she met you. But she left him for you??Man, You gotta think real hard....Think and Do what you think is best not just for you but for people involve around you especially your kids.. Don't let them grew up without a Dad beside them. You know what i mean, Good luck..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): Honestly speaking you don't need to be either one. You have a severe case of not wanting to be alone. You need to be alone so that you can figure out what you really want. You have played a dangerous game with both of these women. You shouldn't haven't gotten married if you weren't ready. You certainly shouldn't have started an affair without being divorced. The best thing you can do is get divorced take care of your kids and be SINGLE for a while. Until you can figure out what you truly need in a partner you will repeat the same mistakes again. Best of luck.
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