A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 39 years old married to 39 year old wife for 19 years. We have been together since High School, we dated for four years before getting married. I don't know if I am having a "mid-life crisis" or what, but I have been unable to shake thoughts of leaving my wife. I have thought it over and over and I don't think I was ever in love with my wife. My family life growing up was less than stable and my mother made life at home, hell. When I met my wife to be, I believe now that I fell in love with her traditional "normal" family rather than her. We are about the worst match that one could fathom. I am fairly intelligent, and enjoy reading, outdoors, fitness, food etc. My wife barely graduated High School and has a serious learning difficulty. She's not an idiot, she just thinks concretely only. I have never known her to read a book, magazine article etc., since we have been married. We have never had a insightful, thoughtful conversation in 24 years. I told her this recently and she agreed that I was correct. We have had intimacy issues as soon as our first child was born. Suffice it to say that I am liberal in bed and she is a conservative. Also the quantity/quality of the intimacy is a big problem. Unless I complain, sex isn't even an option. She has not initiated sex in 15+ years. We have no financial issues to speak of. We both have good careers that we like. I told her I was unhappy and that we didn't really love each other and she thinks I am just depressed. I asked to really search her heart and think about it. She loves the idea of our marriage, but we are not friends, mates or companions in any sense of the word. She is not a bad or evil person, in fact she is probably more "wholesome" person than I. I admit that I care for her, but I am really more of a brother/fatherly figure than husband/mate. I am miserable and first considered having an affair, but morally know that it would be wrong. I want out, but here is the kicker. We have three children ages 14, 13 and 4. I adore the children and can't imagine not being able to be around them. I am more of a parent/guide than my wife is. She prefers to be at work versus being at home or spending time with us. Her mother keeps the four year old during the day. My mother in law and I have better relationship with kids than she does. I can't imagine living 20+ more years like this. I have tried hobbies etc. to occupy myself, but I need a companion. I have met someone on my job who I think would be that person, but only want to consider that after I have separated from my wife. Should I leave? Should I tough it out? I tend to be angry, irritable because of my unhappiness, even around the children. I am so confused, I don't know what to do. The thought of continuing on like this makes me sick at my stomach. Please help me.
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female
reader, k4ren  +, writes (2 December 2016):
Hello,
your comment is old, but what happened? Are you still with your wife?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): It's very easy for us to point a finger and criticize your actions. Like others, the idea you married your wife not because you loved her but because of her family does strike a nerve with me. But I don't know the context and I've fallen on my face before judging people based on guesses on my part. What I do see is that you are not happy and I doubt that she is. I'm 22, I'm not married yet but just the idea of being stuck with someone who you don't love..I wouldn't wish that on anyone.As for the children, they come first. They should not suffer the consequences of bad decisions on you and your wife's part. That said, staying together solely for the kids is a bad idea if the marriage has gotten toxic. Kids and teens are observant. They sense it when something is off. It's all about how you handle it. If your children get to see two seperate people being happy, I'm sure they'll choose that over a couple that's tired of eachother. Also, by staying 'for the children' you will force some of your misery on them. They may feel guilty and unwanted because they're 'forcing' you two to be together. Never let your children get that impression.The good news is that you're 40. That's still young, in my opinion and certainly not too late to start over. Actually, it's never too late to start over, but you need the courage to do it and the wisdom to do it right. I would include your wife as well. This is not just about your happiness, but about the happiness of your whole family. Really talk this through with her and see if you can both come to a solution that makes you both happy, and works out for the kids. Also, can I ask you ONE question? What made her family so important to you that you chose to marry her even though you didn't love her? You don't have to answer, but it's just hard for me to imagine and I guess I'm just curious.I wish you well in whatever step you choose to take.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): you know all this emotional " i have NEVER loved my wife nonsense is getting out of hand. you used her for 19 years, you used her family as your own. you used and you took FOR 19 YEARS. now be the man that you prefess to be and release her. easy. you know you do not love her, never have, used her for 19 years , so divorce her. i said it before and will send it now: just divorce your spouse and allow her to to find a decent man who will love her for herself. someone to love, cherish and value her. it is so easy to do the right thing but you used her for all these years. so much for doing the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Life is short get out now while you still young enough to find love and happiness... Too bad you didn't think about making your youngest child. You are a good father and I am sure you'll keep it up regardless with or without current wife. Here's the thing - children will grow up and fly away and you'll still be lonely and unhappy, with even more emptiness and anger when they leave the nest; but at that point mist of your life has passed you by and not much room left for excitement and love... Sure it will be hard at first adjustment to the change and heartfelt drama but that'll pass. This may sound selfish but realize that you do so much for everyone in your life and I'm sure will continue with the same pace. We do need to love ourselfs sometimes.... Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Thanks for looking into IMS. The Angry and irritable statement led me to that conclusion. I'm also Diabetic and have never had that intensive blood work done. Generally when a person writes that the have never really loved their spouse on here it really means that they are so frustrated that they forget the past. Often they are just looking for support to to continue the cheating that they already choose. I see that that is not you. Nevertheless you are frustrated. You mentioned a midlife crisis I think. That is a real possibility at your age. That is usually looking to redefine yourself, or to catch up on something you missed. The best advice on midlife crisis I've heard is: " A sports car will cost you a lot less than a divorce." If intellectual conversation is what you are after, I would say that that masters degree would also be cheaper. Think about what you really want. Your wife is very happy with you. That is a very valuable thing to have. FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): I know exactly what you are going through and you have my total sympathy. I am in a very similar position to you, except I am a 58-year old woman who has been with her husband for 25 years and known almost from the beginning that I wasn't in love. Like you care for your wife, I care very much for my husband but think of him more as a best mate and a father figure. I married him because I was going on 35, all my friends were settled and I felt left out. He was/is a good man, kind, affectionate and caring and I truly felt he was my only hope of ever settling down. We have had a "good" marriage and rarely argue but like you and your wife, are total opposites. He's a pleasant enough man and intelligent, but really so boring and not just to me but to my friends too although of course they are always welcoming and polite to him. I have always known this but of course as the years have gone by it has become more and more difficult to do anything about it and I resigned myself to being stuck like this forever. (I remember, 20 years ago thinking, "Is this what it's going to be like always.....?) and I'm still here....The one good thing is I chose not to have children with him as I didn't love him enough. This was not a problem for him. He has two daughters in their 30's from his first marriage. And although we've been together for 25 years we only married 8 years ago because we were "gently" encouraged to do so by my family. Otherwise, I wouldn't have got married. At that time (I was 50) I thought why not, I'm never going to meet anyone else at my age, etc. etc. But I also knew that if I married him I could never even look at another man.I am a very vivacious and gregarious person and thoroughly enjoy myself when out with my friends. My husband is shy, quiet and staid and has no friends or hobbies. He would rather just be with me, all the time. He likes to travel and go to the movies/theatre, so he's not a total stick-in-the-mud, but wants only to do things with me. This just makes me feel suffocated and trapped and it's getting worse.A few months ago I plucked up the courage and told my husband I felt like he was suffocating me and I wanted some space, some time away on my own to decide where I wanted to be in my life. Like you, the thought of another 20, 25 years like this was/is making me feel so anxious and depressed. My husband was devasted at the thought that I wanted time away without him and it all became so emotional I told him not to worry, I wouldn't go anywhere. So, here I am, back where I started.....At least you were able to talk to your wife even if you weren't able to get through to her.Having now thought about my situation and future for several months and discussed it with a couple of close friends (who can't understand why I ever hooked up with my husband - they say he's a nice enough chap, but not for me....) I have decided I must have that separation I so desperately need and I will break the news to my husband in the next couple of weeks (there's a reason for this time delay and why I can't do it NOW, or tomorrow, as much as I'd like to.....)I thought some of the answers to your question were quite cruel and unnecessary, but I thought DearJilly was very sensible and I hope her responses helped you. Don't worry about your kids - like she said, they will be fine. My husband's two girls grew up to be fine young women both with excellent careers and he has a good relationship with both of them, even though he left his first marriage when the girls were both under 5 years old.You are only 39 with a whole life ahead of you and you have to think of yourself. You will be ok and from the sound of your wife she will probably be quite shocked that you seriously want to leave, but she will be ok too. You are an honourable and decent man and the fact that there is someone at your work that you think you could have a future with, but won't do anything about while you are married, shows this. It's a very, very tough decision to make, to leave your home, your family and everything that's important to you. But you are so young and you have the right to happiness and fulfillment. We only have one life and we shouldn't waste it. Believe me, I'm pushing 60 and I feel the same way now as I did when I was your age, both physically and emotionally. If you feel this way now and have done for the last 17 years, it's not going to get any better, trust me. It will only get worse.Good luck to you, if you want to write to me, please do. Maybe we can encourage and help each other.Franniex
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A
male
reader, riv +, writes (15 May 2010):
Jilly's answer is the nearest to what I would advise. ( Check my other posts for similar situations where someone has realized too late that they are not compatible with their spouse.) Basically I think people 'committing' to one another for life at 20 is way way too young. Esp for the man - sooner or later his biological needs will manifest.
But neither is this your wife's fault much less the children's - so what you do has to be as little painful to them as possible.
It may be worth trying marriage counselling for a limited period of time but if you are as far apart as you describe the best you will get out of it ( and that would be worth having ) is help with the separation details.
Do you have enough money for her to keep the house and you to get your own studio somewhere near from which you can visit the kids ?
Does the house have enough space / grounds for you to construct a semi-separate flat or place a trailer which you could live in / have your own place / privacy and allow her the same ?
Sounds drastic perhaps but so does carrying on for another 20 or more years in increasing misery.
If the financial resources are there it does sound to me like both of you would be better off with the most amicable divorce / separation you can manage. It is going to hurt the kids a lot but so is an increasingly unhappy 'marriage'.
Stay well away from the new relationship at work at least for the next year while this is sorted: it will complicate everything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Well, on the good side, you don't need to stay 20 years. The little one will be good to go in 10-15!I've been told 3-4 years of age is the worst age for a kid to have their parents divorce, the damage just goes down from here on I think.That said - it does sound like a loveless relationship. To me those are generally fine to release.If I were you I'd try to look into how to make the divorce as practical as possible.My parents divorced when I was 9. It hurt the first 5-10 years, but all in all it was for the better for all of us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): I have just read through some of the answers to this man's dilemma, and from I gleam from a lot of the answers, they stand as judge and jury. People come to this site to obtain a listening ear for some serious life problems, that none us should condemn or condone, but to offer some respite, to keep impartial and perhaps assist the person who is obviously feeling pretty low to to look at other options. Some of these answers must remove all shred of hope, and make the person feel even worse. How would anyone feel if someone they gave the 'direct hit approach' to was pushed over the edge. We do not see these people we write replies to behind a computer screech, it is our responsibility if we undertake to offer advice we should consider the effect we may have on someone. I work as a relationship counsellor, and we are taught never to judge anyone, nor give direct advice on what to do, or not do. But to help the person work through their situation, so they better decisions in their own time, without judgement.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 May 2010):
 Oh and I also wanted to add that it's weird how you have decided you don't love your wife now you have met someone else at work...Basically you have stayed in the marriage until a 'life raft' came along. No chance of you feeling lonely or abandoned is there!!!
I also agree with the pedestal comment made by one of the other aunts. Incredible!!!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 May 2010):
If your not happy then leave...but the grass isn't always greener and you will have a lot of emotional and financial mess to sort out. If you think it's worth the risk and your missing out on something else then leave and reap it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 May 2010):
 I personally find it hard to fit work, children, family, sex all perfectly in a marriage. It's possible too that your wife is having problems feeling sexy because she looks at you as a brother/father figure. She may become workaholic to avoid talking about intimacy issues. Have a real talk about this. As a woman I feel edgy, emotional if I don't get good sex at least once a week. One day she might realize that if some attractive guy at work hits on her and she can't stop dreaming about him. Could that be reason why she prefers working over coming home? Ask your mother in law for advice. She may have problems accepting you getting a divorce even though she would still very much care for your children. This is a tough one. Some people, like my parents, do enjoy sex very much and they are in their 60's. They never need candlelight dinners or couples therapy to rekindle passion because they never lost it. Their ups and downs in life, the mundaneness of daily life did nothing to dampen their sex drives. Some people are not that lucky and they put in a lot of effort but to no avail. It might do more harm to tough it out than to risk it and start a new life. If your mother in law is open minded she would understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto: FA
Looked up IMS. It doesn't fit. I am diabetic and have my blood levels including hormones checked regularly. My testosterone levels are slightly above normal. Recently my Dr. also performed a thyroid screen in addition to regular tests and all markers were normal. I am in excellent health and stay in shape with exercise and good diet.
Yes, I didn't rush into marriage. I was in love with her family. I still love her family, especially her father.
I wanted to wait even longer to have kids, but she finally forced the issue. The children compensated for a time for our lack of companionship.
As far as depression goes. My Dr. and I nailed down a medication that is working for me a few years ago. I sleep, feel, eat better than before. I have a positive outlook on life.
I am in this situation, because of my failure to be honest with myself about my feelings. I am turning 40 and have been doing a lot of thinking. I am not going to rush into this decision. If I make changes they will be carefully considered. My children and their well-being is important. We are also both Christian's which is another reason I am struggling with this decision.
I think that she would be happier with someone that really loved her and could share her interests as well as I. She has a lot to offer, she's just wrong for me, always has been.
As far as the 3rd child, well, it wasn't planned. I didn't say we never have sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question1. I am not ashamed of my wife. If anything, I am ashamed of myself for letting it go this long. She is, as I stated a good person with no malicious intent. She thinks and acts on the surface, which is no wrong, just wrong for me. I am merely pointing out that we are intellectually and emotionally incompatible.
2. Yes I waited too long to come to this conclusion. I should have noted that I have know that we are wrong for each other for many years, but have used hobbies, other interests and children as outlet for fulfillment. You are confusing wisdom and intelligence. Just because an individual is intelligent, doesn't mean they act wisely.
3. Yes it's true I want someone else, but only because of my desire to have someone that will share my interests.
4. The kids are the only thing keeping us together now.
5. How do you invest in a relationship that never was? We have never had a conversation above "What did you do today" or "Let's go buy this or that" or "Guess what the kids did". How do you grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually when there is no common ground.
6. If I came across as self-righteous, my bad. I noted that I am angry and irritable and that she is a better person than I am. I am not better than her in any way, just different. I have a lot of respect for her. She is a hard worker, honest, dependable and common sense woman.
7. I believe I would sacrifice my desires before I would do harm to my children. What kind of bitter, angry person will I be when the kids are gone and it's 10-20 years down the road?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): from what you have written you think too highly of yourself and well, you seem ashamed of your wife. (?)it takes you 19 years to get up and realised that YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED YOUR WIFE. for such a highly educated man surely this is not possible? you want to leave because you want someone else. plain and simple. your wife has passed her sell by marriage date???? what becomes of 3 innocent kids? instead of investing in another woman why not try investing in your marriage and wife. take yourself off that pedestal you have put yourself and look critically at yourself. your self righteousness is somewhat sickening to be honest. what have YOU done to make your wife grow with you, both emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. you seem very self absorbed and seem very very critical of the wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): All things considered I think you have done all you can. You have talked to your wife and asked her to open her heart. You are not an unreasonable man and the fact that you are agonising over this very hard decision proves it. You are wasting your life in this situation and your own words "I can't imaging another 20+ more years like this" provides the answer. Your children will always be so... and I think you can be a great Dad for them outside of this relationship - potentially demonstrating to them what a healthy, loving adult relationship should look like. I would urge you to make a half step (leave your wife and yet be as supportive as you can to both her and your children) before engaging in another relationship. This will allow you to process all your feelings calmly and without confusion and for your family to come to terms with the change. I would encourage you to read your post back to yourself. If one of your children (in their adult life) came to you and told you that this was the situation THEY were in - what advice would you give them? I believe there is a way you can be kind, honourable and loyal in leaving your relationship. I hope you find happiness.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 May 2010):
You have IMS, an affair is not going to cure that. Your whole story doesn't add up.
You didn't rush to marriage, you waited 5 years.
You didn't rush to children, you waited another 5 years.
You still fathered a child only 4 years ago.
Treat the Depression. Get a doctor who will look into your hormone levels. Don't rush to any life changes until you get that nailed down. And stop chatting up the woman at work, that's only confusing you.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): What an incredibly sad and stressful situation for you, my heart goes out to you. I felt the anguish and despair in your letter which has compelled me to reply, and only hope I can offer some glimpse of respite and hope for you.
You are not bad for wanting to share your life with a companion you are emotionally, spiritually, and physically in tune with, it's what we all desire. As a counsellor in the UK, I often see couples who have been married for 20, 30 or 40 years without ever really sharing true emotional and physical intimacy. In addition to this it's not uncommon for people, men to confess they never really fell in love with their spouses, but went through the motions after high-school ( college/university) as it was the done thing after dating for 2, 3 or 4 years, it was the next step to take.
Initially the early stages of marriage compensate for the lack of real compatibility, and then of course along come children, and so the problem once again gets swept to one side, as one is so happy to be blessed with the patter of tiny feet.
But, if there is a real compatibility issue, as there seems to be with you and your wife, you can never erase it, it will only grow. Like most things in life, you have deal head on with the situation, although I appreciate your wife may not have the urgency to really give this her 100% energy and consideration to. Many women I've seen in similar positions, tend to compensate for the lack of companionship, intimacy emotionally and physically by having security, by that I mean, a roof over their head, stability, routine and bury their heads in the sand, because NOT to do that, they would need to take action to resolve the situation. Whether that meant deciding to see a relationship counsellor together and work for a while at trying to re-capture some spark, or changing ways both people see and relate to each other, it means making a decision.
Personally I do not believe in a mid-life crisis, people are people with feelings, needs and desires of their own. The mid-life crisis term is only usually brought into play by someone who is criticising a partner, because they want something different to them. It's patronising and does not help anyone. Again my own personal belief, but I am a little controversial, is that IF people marry when very young, early twenties, it is highly unlikely they will be the same people in their 40's, 50's and beyond. And the person you choose to have a family with at 20, may not be the person you would choose to be with now, as you've matured, have learnt from life, experienced various things that by age alone at 20, you would not have. You are not bad for wanting more, you are being human, it will be how you go about trying to get your life back on track that ultimately will determine your future happiness..and that of your wife too.
If you do decide to start a new life, as devastating as it may be initially, people are resilient, you would come through it, you would still see your children, life would go on, and eventually, IF you do see this as the only way forward,to find what you need. Your wife may meet someone too who is more like her.
I sense you are a good man, who wants to do the right thing, just ensure you give, show and tell your children you love them, as I'm sure you do, and whatever you decide, they will grow up strong, confident adults, assured of your support and love.
Please write to me again if you want to...
Wishing you all the best for the future..
Jilly
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