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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my married lover for a few years. He has gone on vacation with his wife several times over the course of our affair, leaving me behind. I know it's an affair and nobody approves. But I am not here for that part of it. I am just trying to figure it all out.While he was away for weeks at a time, I have longed for him, missed him terribly and we have communicated back and forth on all of his trips. I was always there waiting for him on his return. He would bring me gifts of jewellery from different parts of the world he visited on his travels. And when we saw each other for the very first time, it was always incredible.But something seems different this time around.My married lover is due back soon from another vacation with his wife. He kept in touch throughout like always but for some reason, I had a much harder time with this trip. You would think I'd be used to it by now. Gotten better at handling it. But... I felt abandoned this time. Even though he did kept in touch. I felt like I was not truly important to him. I am not sure why on all his other trips I was more accepting of the fact he went away on vacation with his wife. This time it hurt me more. And now that he is due back in a couple of days, I find I am not as thrilled as I used to be when he returned from previous trips.He has been texting me non stop sexual innuendo about how he can't wait to get his hands on me and describes in detail everything he is going to do to me. At one time, this used to excite me. But now, I am finding myself going through the motions. When I text back, I find my heart is not into it. It just seems... old. It isn't all about sex for me and it never was. The sex is not enough anymore. No matter how good.I actually found myself at PEACE while he was away. I found that odd. As I was supposed to miss him and feel incomplete and miserable without him. Maybe I was for the first week but then I found a peace coming over me as the days grew to weeks. I found I reconnected with me again. The person I am. I reconnected with people in my life like family/friends.I am not sure if I have reached some sort of epiphany.I found I was okay without him.Does anyone have any thoughts on why I am feeling different? On why the changes in me?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (13 July 2016):
Not here for "that part of it?" Sorry - "that" is the only part of it. ALL of your problems here are due to the fact that he is married and both of you are committing adultery.Fix that one "part," and you'll be amazed at how all of these problems that you've created have magically gone away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2016): I have been where you are now. I am ashamed to say I was with someone who was married for a couple of years but he never said he was married until I caught him out and still stayed. You will know the lies he has told her and would you trust him? I panicked at one point when he said he was leaving her and I though I cannot trust him without a tracker on his phone or head so it wont work with him. All of a sudden I knew I was tired of his calls, always sexual. Our meetings were sexual and in the end my heart sank when the texts came through. He called me one day woe me, woe me. I thought what about me! you never asked how I was and I just snapped and sent him an email saying its finished and blocked him. It sounds like you have reached the end on your part. Just distance yourself from him. When he texts don't reply straight away. Go out and when he comes back and is wanting to see you, make an excuse not to see him. I would then send a message saying its over and not for him to make contact. Stop being the Mistress and become you again. Trust me its fun. I took my time and found me again and then one day I met a man who had lived round the corner from me and we said hello in the street a few times and unknown to me he knew I was the one. He was single and slowly we got together. We have been living together a yr and I am the only one in his life and I deserve to be the only one the same as you do. Please make that decision to leave and don't waste anymore time. Have fun and find someone who will treat you like a precious stone. Always remember once you leave he will be sourcing the next mistress and if he left his wife for you you become the one to be cheated on as they say if the mistress become the wife she creates a vacancy. This is true as I know someone who married his mistress and then cheated on her and no it wasnt me involved.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I guess your feelings have changed. Maybe you have come to realize that you need more than sex. He may buy you gifts and keep in contact with you, but you deserve more than this. His wife has the full package, while you have the bit on the side. Off course you want more than this, and he cannot give it to you, the thing is you are wasting years off your life being used for sex. You are still young, end things and meet someone who will give you everything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Have your feelings changed?
I'd say obviously. I do agree that people shouldn't fall apart like that when their partner is away, but in your case he isn't JUST away, he is also NOT YOUR partner and he IS away with HIS wife.
It has happened before, and he "bribed" you with shiny baubles to "overlook" the fact that YOU are NOT the woman in his life, you are his dirty little secret woman on the side, the one who gets the leftovers, and who "services" him sexually, however you don't get his undivided attention, his time nor the vacations...
You know that you are in an no future affair. You are the "entertainment" for this married man. The side dish, SHE (the wife) is his steak and potatoes.
I think after a while the novelty of being a "mistress" wears off, specially when you see that YOU really DO have the short end if the stick. You are giving away yourself to a man who can't give much back other than materialistic goods, he can BUY you things but not his undivided affection and attention).
I guess for ANYONE who "settles" to be a "mistress or a mister" to a married person realize that is was fantasy for the married partner (in most cases) and who want something that isn't really real?
Maybe you have finally come up for air and discovered THIS is who it's going to be if I stay with him. Maybe... you have decided that it's just not enough. That being with someone who makes YOU his #1 priority is what you want, someone you can go on vacations with, go out on public with, meet family, friends, kids etc. YOU might have discovered you want the WHOLE package, not just some shiny baubles and a married man to talk dirty to you and have sex with you (simplifying here).
I think it's progression.
You are still lacking in the empathy department, as you NO WHERE in your post seem to have any remorse or regret about how the WIFE might feel and what she might have to endure. But can't win them all...
Maybe you need to use how you feel right now and rethink what you are doing. Maybe... you should start by putting YOURSELF first, not some other woman's husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): Let me take this opportunity to clear up a big misconception about married guys.
For any married guy to be having an AFFAIR for any length of time - but especially for several years - THEY DO NOT LOVE THEIR WIVES.
I will tell you who they DO love.
Themselves.
Nobody else. Not wife or mistress.
What else do they LOVE?
The LIFESTYLE they have with their wives. The financial stability. Obviously this guy likes the fact he is able to finance all these trips all over the world (all the while keeping his mistress hanging onto him until he returns). And likely his wife is a major benefactor. And I will bet she is also the major bread winner.
So, make no mistake. This guy loves what he gets out of both women.
One: Trips. Money. Security.
The other: Sex. Excitement. Attention.
I need not say more.
Except sweetie to find yourself a man who thinks you are everything and then some. Do you not deserve that?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 You really do need to leave him. His wife is his priority and you'll waste even more of your life if you don't leave now.You're not important enough to him and you are just sex. This trip seems to be showing you that, so I suggest leaving before he comes back and you change your mind because he's able to charm (lie) his way out of it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Let me begin by saying that I don't believe that necessarily people SHOULD feel miserable and incomplete when their partner is away. In fact, I think it's an extreme, unusual reaction. Missing somebody ,looking forward to see them again- yes, of course. But
" miserable " and " incomplete " ?... Only if one has absolutely nothing going on in their life but the relationship- which is a place one should be consciously careful never to found herself to begin with.
Anyway....
yes, I think what you are going through is normal and makes a lot of sense.
First, when one is in denial it takes a while for stark reality to sink in. I guess you are finally realizing that , when all it's said and done, the fact is , he is on a long vacation with his wife, and you are at home waiting.
You may tell yourself that he does not love his wife, does not desire her, does not respect her ( this one, for sure ! ) is not having fun with her, he wishes he could be home with you... Whatever. It might even be true, at least somewhat, but, the flesh and bones of the thing is : he takes his vacations with her, and you are sitting at home eating your heart out.
The second thing is just neuro-biological, very expectable. There are various studies concurring on the fact that any new relationship goes through an endorphine- brimming, butterflies- in -the- stomach phase. Which pnly lasts, though, between 18 and 36 months in average. After whuch it's not that the attraction is lost- hopefully ! - but the sheer chemical " high " sort of calms down and takes a backseat to other less flashy, more mundane and daily aspects of the relationships. Doing daily stuff together, hanging out with mutual friends, planning for a common future... that's the kind of stuff which fosters a sense of intimacy, of deeper connection. Not wild, anything -goes sexual exploits.
Since you say that it never was all about sex for you, by now you start feeling a bit ripped off, a bit let down. Because you were emotionally and biochemically pre-disposed and hopeful, after 2 or 3 years ,to pass from a constant state of wild excitement to more normal, companionable,
" wifey " stuff.
But, he's got a wife to do wifey stuff with. Like summer vacations.
Maybe being stuck in the role of passionate, naughty adventure is getting a bit tight for you.
Because even passion, when it's "mandatory" and unevolving, can become boring. Same as marriage, maybe more.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Thank your stars that good sense has finally prevailed over you and that you're getting the strength to live and function without your married lover.
I hope you know there is nothing in this relationship for you, right? His wife gets everything while all you get is some sex. Is the occasional orgasm really worth the affair? At the end of the day he goes back to her, takes her on holidays, gives her financial security and marital stability while you get nothing at all. And its no rocket science that he's not going to be leaving her, so its about time you get your priorities in order.
You're young, you still have the time to sort your life out, so do it while you can. You seem pretty nonchalant being the other woman and almost sad that your feelings towards him are changing!
Look ultimately you'll do whatever you want to irrespective of what anyone here or anywhere else tells you, but for your own sake, leave this man. That's all I can say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): You are feeling different because you just realise he is just using you for sex practical and nothing more. He loves his wife above you 100%. I would advise that you are better off without him. Find someone better. Divert your love towards the new person you find who is not married. You will realise your peace will be complete.
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