A
female
age
36-40,
*eenaJay
writes:Hello! I have a 9-year-old son. He's a very loving child, but he is also a know-it-all and he talks back a lot. I'm trying to reel this in. The problem is my mother chooses not to deal with him a lot of times. He's been this way since he could talk, but I find it odd that she decided to not be involved in his life after she had another grand child. At first her reason was that she felt ashamed that she couldn't afford to buy him the things that she once did. Then she said she didn't want to deal with me getting upset that she ridicules him sometimes. She would have a negative comment for every single thing he said or did. Now the reason is that he talks back too much and is disrespectful to me, and that bothers her. I'm starting to resent her because I believe her favourite child had a child, so now she deals with my niece more because she's her favourite. It's sad because I have been the responsible one of me and my sister. She would tell me that she wasn't a babysitter when I wanted her to watch him, now I see her watching my niece 2-3 times a week. How do I handle this situation? Part of me wants nothing to do with her, but she's my Mother. I already avoid her a lot now. I don't want or have the luxury to cut off my 9 year old because I don't like some of the things he does, so I don't respect her for doing it. Should I address it yet against differently? I'm sceptical because every time I do there's an excuse that makes her out to be the good guy. Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 July 2016):
 Counselling may help your son learn that he needs to dial it down a bit - it could be part of growing up, though; a lot of children go through this phase, but you do need to teach him that it's not good to do it all the time, before it is a trait he keeps as an adult.As for your mother, let him choose if he wants to keep seeing her. My dad's mum was always critical of my mum, then became critical of me. My mum stopped seeing her and, even though my dad didn't like it, he still saw her once a year. I was given the choice at about 12: "do you still want to go to see her?" each time my dad and brother were going. I said no, every time. I'd had enough of feeling unwelcome there. Let your son decide if/when he's had enough.Tell her it's not okay for her to ridicule him. Tell her he could be on the autism spectrum. Teach him, maybe with the help of counselling, that he's going too far (because he could lose friends or have none, if you don't, but don't tell him that yet).
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 It should never be okay to treat children different. They are children and deserve to be treated equally. Have you tried talking to your mother about this? The thing is if your child talks back a lot what do you do to discipline him? Off course every child has there challenges but we should not allow them to be cheeky or rude, we should guide them in the right way and be parents to them not a friend.
Now you are talking about your niece in a very spiteful way. She is also only a child, and it sounds like you are being a child while talking about her in such a negative way. It is spiteful and uncalled for. You should not judge your niece, the thing is you are doing the same as what your mother is doing to your son.
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A
female
reader, DeenaJay +, writes (11 July 2016):
DeenaJay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's in denial about their relationship. He enjoys being with her. He notices it, but he doesn't want to believe that it's as bad as it is. He gets sad when she does the things she does, but he makes excuses for her just as well. He's well behaved, and really is a loving child. He just has likes to be right and that is where his biggest flaw is. He also doesn't understand personal space. His doctors think he may be on the spectrum slightly. My Mother is very much into drama and is very negative, so I cant say that she likes pleasant and well mannered. Not to be mean, but my niece is very physically aggressive, has tantrums all day and is not well behaved at all. I think it could be something she has against me. I just don't know how to proceed. Just because he doesnt see it for what it is doesn't make it ok. He'll grow into an adult who thinks this treatment is ok.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Your son is like my son, who is either strongly liked or disliked by people. Your mom certainly has her type for people. She prefers people who are pleasant, well mannered and not challenging. Your son may be an intellectual and very forward with his thinking and some people take it wrongly and interpret it as disrespect.
Some people are smooth and diplomatic. Your son may not be like this. He may think like, "If we like each other, we'll hangout. If we don't, then we don't have to meet at all. There's no middle ground or adapting."
Your son does have to be reminded that what comes out of his mouth has consequences. He may have copied speeches from school, or on youtube and thinks it's cool to repeat them. Little he knew that he could be offending people. He may think that being cool would make people like him, but some may find him to be arrogant and unpleasant. Let him decide if he wants to continue to see grandma. If so he will need to make some adjustments in how he talks.
Your mom ridicules him? How does that teach him how to behave? She's not teaching by example. Sounds like these two are incompatible and I doubt your son wants to foster love between them.
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