A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm looking for some thoughts/advice re a situation that is really stressing me. My daughter is 20 and she says she is bisexual and has a GF, who i've allowed to stay here for nearly a year (she lost her job and landlord evicted her). I said she could stay here a bit longer but must find her own place by March (she has a job now) and my daughter wants to go with her (i said she could stay at home if she wants). I have a provisional diagosis of MS and i get very very tired and am noise sensitive - my house is quite small and noise carries so the agreement I had with them is that they can stay here but have to be quiet and not come in late at night because it wakes me up and they said all was fine. They are 20 and 21 and i can understand they will want to make more no noise but on the plus side they don't have to pay rent, just a small amount towards gas and electricity. However they seem for some reason to be able to ignore my rules and to argue with me and even went so far as to say that i am mentally ill! My daughter seems completely unbothered by my physical illness and my need to rest, even though the neurologist made it clear to her that stress can make things much worse. I brought both my daughters up well (I left their father years ago because of domestic violence) but they have both behaved badly towards me. My elder daughter brought her boyfriend to live here which I allowed and when I argued with her one day about something she attacked me and my younger daughter attacked me on Christmas day because I had asked her to walk our dogs, as agreed the previous night. I wonder if they have inherited this violence from their fatherI feel very upset because i have been very generous to both of them and to their partners. They basically say i am a freak for having rules even given my illness. Has anyone else had similar problems and what do you think is a reasonable approach to take? Thank you. Beth x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Hi, this is the original poster. Thank you for your replies - much appreciated. Regarding their father he was violent towards me and towards my older daughter and we later realised he was also violent towards his ex wife. If he couldn't get his own way he would become threatening He was addicted to cannabis also and could not function normally without it. My daughters were 6 and 9 yrs old respectively when i finally left him. My younger daughter is a very young 20 and her school teachers had a lot of problems with her - one teacher didn't want to be alone with her and described her as 'insidious' I find it very hard to relate to her as she reminds me of her father in many ways. Her GF is moody and controlling and this makes the atmosphere in my home very bad. I constantly have a sort of toxic feeling in my chest which only shifts when they go out.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Don't beat yourself up, you can have done your very best to bring your kids up, but people still always have their personality, quirks and faults, we are a product of both nature and culture.
If this is of any comfort to you, this may be just a phase, people nowadays seems to have incredibly protracted teen years , and they mature later, I am not surprised that your daughter and her GF still think like 14 y.o. kids " noise ? what's the problem with noise ? Oh mom is just so uptight and fussy ". Maybe when she'll be accostumed to have her own place and her own routine, she will understand how annoying it is to have them disrupted by
inconsiderate neighbours or guests.
That does not change though the fact that , if you ask me, the most reasonable approach would be... to give them both a powerful kick in their backsides and put them out as of today. Your house your rules, right or wrong, and if they don't like that, - let them go mooch somewhere else. But, considering your illness, and that March is just around the corner,... I'd say just hang in there , stiff upper lip and be patient. Do not let them take advantage of you though, and make sure than March does not turn into May and then August etc. etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): They both just sound incredibly selfish and disrespectful to be honest, with zero consideration for you.
I would give them both notice to get out,a set date and stick to it, they aren't living by your rules and you really don't need the hassle if your unwell.They need to find their own places as soon as possible.
Maybe then they will appreciate you for bringing them up alone and helping them and their partners of late.If your concerned by how they will react then get some support from family or friends when you tell them the bad news.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): "Have my daughters inherited their streak of violence from their father?"
No, they learned it by watching how he treated you, which is how they also learned you are willing to enable such behavior, so they are simply living as adults what they learned as children assuming that is how "normal" families function.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (19 February 2012):
Sometimes kids inherit some traits from their parents. If you say their father was into domestic violence, there is a POSSIBILITY that they inherited his temper."New evidence points to the possibility that children often develop antisocial personality disorder as a result of environmental as well as genetic influence."Please read more here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorderand try to find out if their father meets that criteria.Now, there is another possibility. It might be possible that they simple are spoiled brats. Education at home could have an impact on their way of behaving. I'm not a psychologist, but I've read that autocratic parenting styles are not so good, as well as a relaxed parenting. The recommended way of parenting is a democratic style. It is highly recommended that you set and enforce HEALTHY boundaries.I really recommend you to see a licensed psychologist. He might help you get the required tools for managing this kind of situations. You first need to fix yourself, before you can fix the problems at home.I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Every house has it own rules... you are a parent and you are allowed to the rules... It saddens me to hear this.. You became the sole parent for these girls and instead of being thankful they act like idiots. And you allowed your daughters gf to stay at your house.. that is liberal of you..I don't think you are being unreasonable by telling them to stay quiet since you have a valid reason - your illness..I suggest you sit them down.. and have a talk with them.. tell them how it is..You took care of them even though you were a lone parent and .. you have allowed them most of the things in life.. You allowed them to stay at your house.. without paying rent.. if in return for all that they can atleast treat you like a parent with some respect .. it would be very good.If not then will they can live somewhere else.. cos you cannot tolerate themIf you do not wish your daughter to leave the house then build your room with a little more sound barriers..I think both the daughters are ungrateful idiots.. you should let them live on their own for a while.. but that is just me.. the question - that you daughters inherited the violent streak from their dads.. are your daughters violent? how so ?
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