A
female
age
,
*lainegr8
writes:I've been living with my fiance for 5 years. He's 50 this year and i'm 47. At the start he said he wanted marriage and would ask me on a weekly basis but now he seems to have changed his mind. When i approach the subject he either says i'm starting a row by even mentioning it or says why get married when he's happy as we are and feels im trying to force him into it. He told me he might think differently again in 5-10 yrs time. Its been 5yrs and i think that's long enough to know. I'm not prepared to wait another 10 yrs just for him to still say no. Friends and family all around me are getting married, they haven't been together half as long. People keep asking me when the big day is. It's making me so depressed. All i want is the whole package but don't want to leave it any longer. I'm wondering if i should finish with him. I could have found someone long ago that did love me enough to want me as his wife but that would defeat the object of wanting to be with him. I'm so confused. Have i wasted 5 yrs of my life with this man? What does any one suggest?
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female
reader, Elainegr8 +, writes (29 January 2010):
Elainegr8 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Bombshell, thank you for your advice. You had a very nasty experience with your man. It sounds as though this was the underlying problem as to why your fella didn't want to marry you originally, because he was cheating and probably knew he would't or couldn't remain faithful. The death of his daughter obviously shocked him into re-assessing his life and marrying you but in the cold light of day slipped back into old cheating habits.
I do love my fella and have no signs that he's cheating on me. I'm enough for him to handle! He moved in with me and my kids so i cant move out and move on i'm afraid. I love him too much to kick him out with no where to go. He paid my ex his share on the house and he's on the mortgage now.
All i want is the complete family unit and can't understand why he won't take the final step. He has been married before so wasn't afraid of commitment then. His wife kicked him out and moved another man in straight away and got married asap because she had been cheating with him. I did wonder if he has hopes of getting back with her one day and wants to leave himself available just in case her marriage doesnt work out. When we got together he was always spending time up there and as soon as she'd call for help he'd be there. She really used him and played him for a fool. He'd do anything for her even though she had a husband. Maybe that gave him false hope that she still cared and wanted him there. He came on holiday with me and my kids and the very next morning i found him on the balcony phoning her to tell her how the flight was etc. I had wondered if he got engaged to me at the start to see if it made her jealous and get a reaction from her. Then because she didn't give a damn he regretted getting engaged and wont take it any further. He does't ring her anymore or go up there and they finished in 1999 so was a while ago. He denies any feelings for her. I feel he must of loved her more than me though as he willingly married her. Maybe he just doesn't love me enough. he does't give me an explination why.
I'm so confused. He does tell me he loves me. I don't want to finish with him so maybe over a glass of wine i'll approach the subject again. For a final time.
Thank you for all your help xx
A
female
reader, Bombshell +, writes (29 January 2010):
 Listen, I went through the same thing. Quit NOW! He constantly told me he wanted to marry me. When I was finally able to marry him, he would dance around the subject. I finally couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. That day his daughter was killed and he came looking for me. He said he finally realized what mattered most in this life and he didn't want to lose me too. So, I married him. BIG FAT MISTAKE!! Not even one month after we got married he started cheating on me. Although, I've come to find out he's been cheating on me the entire 7 years we've been together. Get the hell out of there as fast as you can. My life has been a complete nightmare for the past 3.5 years that I've been married. He's become very emotionally and verbally abusive. He's manipulates me to the point where I've seriously wanted to commit suicide. Now I have nothing and he's just told me he hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me. He said he doesn't care that I have nowhere to go and that I can take my son and go live under a bridge for all he cares.
GET OUT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! There are plenty of GOOD men out there that will love you and treat you like a queen. We all deserve to be loved, cherished, and cared for. I'm having to deal with legal and emotional turmoil that is almost unbearable.
Best of Luck!
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A
female
reader, shaia +, writes (28 January 2010):
do you love him? i think at the end of the day, it doesnt matter whether you are married or not, as long as you are both happy and love eachother, ive been with my boyfrien for 4 years and i see no sign of him asking me to marry him.. i supose if you LOVE someone you gota accept them. the thing that concerns me, is that when you bring it up he confuses it with you trying to nag, or start a row and i know how helpless this makes you feel, i get it myself too, you just have to say to him "Look it doesnt matter about being married, but do you honestly love me, and do you ever want to be married" most guys dont like the thought of being married because it reminds them of committment.. my boyfriend told me he wanted kids and to be maried in the start of our relationship but he doesnt now and i put it down to the relationship maturing, it progresses and that "new" feeling goes.. have a chat with him over a glass of wine, but talk to him when hes in a gooood mood
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 January 2010):
You haven't "wasted" 5 years. You've had good times and grown and enjoyed having him around.
You have also learned that being with someone is not enough and you want marriage. That is a valuable thing to learn.
So thank him for everything and move out.
There are lots of men out there who would love to marry you, so think fondly of this one and wave as you walk past with your fiance in a year's time.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2010):
If you're looking for the ring on the finger, you won't find it here. Five years is well enough time to know. So you can either live with him knowing you won't get married, or you can move on. But it doesn't seem like he's interested in marriage at all.
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