A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy at a friend's gathering a few weeks ago. We really hit it off, and he drove me home at the end of the evening. Came in for a few hours - we have some drinks and laughs, swapped numbers, but nothing happened. I text him the following Friday to see what he was up and he invited me out for drinks. Again, we had lots of fun and we ended up back at his and sleeping together. We spent the weekend together and had a really brilliant time. Saturday he stayed at mine and left Sunday morning, but text that evening to invite me over for dinner. He also asked me to go and see a show with him the following weekend. That week I called to see if he wanted to do something in the week. He was busy but asked me over for dinner Friday evening. That night, we were about to have sex when he said he thought we should talk about 'what was happening with us'. He said that he was concerned at what point this turned into a relationship because relationships always go wrong (he has been married and divorced and has had a few bad relationships since), he likes me and that he thinks that we should stop sleeping together and be friends - he said he doesn't want to 'find out' whether he likes me anymore than that. But the following evening we go to the show and he is really cuddly with me again, buys me dinner. We go out with a friend of mine who tells me that he was just having a freak out - it's obvious that he likes me. I stay at his, continue to have a lovely time, no sex, just cuddling. We don't revisit the conversation. I would quite like a relationship with this guy as he is really lovely company, but I also don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I've had bad relationships too and I want to take things slowly with someone. He hasn't contacted me for a week and it's torture not texting (I'm trying to give him space). My questions are, has the early sex screwed everything up between us, does he like me or could he be bullshitting, and is there anything I can do to put this back on the right track? Thanks!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 The right track for whom ? maybe what you think is the right track does not feel right to him.
He told you, and showed you : he likes you, and enjoys being with you- as long as there are no obligations He does not want a relationship and when it downed on him that you want one instead, he tried to nip your expectations in the bud. The spirit is strong but the flesh is weak, so it's possible that he won't be so adamant about just being friends in future, but basically he told you " please don't get any ideas ".
Your confusion stems from a wrong assumption, that if a man wants to have sex, and hang out a bit, then this is the beginning of a relationship.
It is clearly not so , people have different standards, different expectations, many men are perfectly fine having moments of intimacy, and in your case ,luckily, also of companionship and conversation, OUT of the context of something more permanent and meaningful.
As I have said here dozens of times, so sorry about the repetition, it's always " buyer beware ". The only way to avoid any chance of "confusion" is to FIRST form a steady relationship THEN become intimate. Demanding and old-fashioned maybe ,but effective.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Look, we are are confused. Some are more and some are a little less. You had a bad raltionship and he had his share of bad past too. There is an inhenrent phobia built out of the past. He 'likes' you is clear. You 'like' him is clear to all. You are at the verge of loving him and he is not. So get calrity as fowllows:
Ask yourself the follwoing questions(BRUTALY HONEST PLEASE):
* What you like him for ?
* Why is he liking you for?
* Are you a good macth in looks, career and tremprament?
If answers to above tends to be in the direction that you are *unequals* in lot of things (looks, career, temprament) and it's only that (NSA) sex seems to be agreebale point between you two then you know where it should head. Even the other way round!
Peace !
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 DON'T fall in to that trap of blaming YOURSELF for HIS "problem".......
Your time-line was swift... but it is evident that this guy borders on "committment phobic".... and feels that your's and his getting so close, so soon signals that a "relationship" has begun.... (and that "means" that his phobia kicks in!!!!)....
I suggest that you cool it with him for 6 to 8 weeks... then be in touch with him and see if HIS interest still remains ("sounds" - from your text - that your interest is solid). IF you and he choose to ressurrect things at that time... then YOU take the initiative, sit his a*s down and explain what YOU expect will happen between the two of you.... AND let him know that if HE doesn't like it, then that's that.... and you are off to meet and spend time with a guy who doesn't exhibit that same phobia....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I think he was attracted to you and an opportunity presented itself that he was happy to have. That does not make him or you a bad person.
I do not think it is up to a man to declare his "intentions" with a woman prior to sex.
I believe it is up to individuals to state with another person what they want out of an experience.
People have different timing and ways of bonding. In general, most women start to bond emotionally when sex becomes part of the picture. Men can detach from the bonding and be perfectly fine with just sex.
This man was honest with you and his concerns. He might have seen the rosy glow in your eyes and worried about you becoming too attached. The time to develop a relationship might have passed, but you are doing the right thing by backing off. Go involve yourself with other hobbies, people, etc. Live a full life and enjoy what is there!
Some of the best advice I have recieved that I practice in my own life...
I KNOW I get attached when sex comes into the picture. If sex comes in to the situation before a relationship, I end up getting really hurt. Just like you said, it is a sign that your particular heart needs a slower relationship.
So, I follow the monogamy before sex rule. I consider myself to be a free agent and date whoever I want (I am not having sex with anyone-it is just dating). But, once there is a mutual agreement to go exclusive and both of us are on the relationship track, he gets the all-access pass! (So, do I for that matter! wheeee!)
This weeds out a lot of guys who are interested just for the sex. It frustrates a lot of dates and frankly pissed them off. But, I am not getting my heart broken in the process of trial boyfriends. I do not waste a lot of time, energy and emotion into situations that would never develop into any more than a weekend lust-fest.
It causes me to relax and actually enjoy getting to know people and gauge how interested they are in me! There are NO guarantees that this method will pan into a happy relationship, it just increases my ODDS of having one.
I do not date with the perspective that it MUST end in a relationship, but I am not going to have sex with someone who is not relationship material. It is a way of knowing my own heart and mind and how I am wired. I choose this because it protects ME in the long run.
Think of dating as the two of you controlling a car. He is the accellerator, but you are the breaks and a gentle nudge on the steering wheel if needed. He determines when to go forward. You determine the speed of acceleration, but you can not make it go faster.
Keep your friendship and back away from relationship mode. Go pour yourself into dating others, your work, etc. Let him see what a great person you are all on his own. If he is a bright guy, he will figure it out and may take a second glance, but do not put your life on hold for him!
Best of Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): He's not going to be the one who you can take things slowly with because he's just not interested in you in THAT way, plus it's WAY too late for that since you had sex. I know it's hard to hear and I fear you will keep looking for that validation from him so I don't think you are in the right mindset to keep seeing him. There are many many men who will find you amazing and you won't hear from them how they don't want to have sex with you, just want to be friends, and don't want a relationship. Run. This will take a major toll on your esteem and waste your time.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I think if it has screwed anything up, it was your heart. It’s unfortunate this man did not outline his intentions prior to sleeping with you and dating you repeatedly, but rather than give your friend’s assessment any weight, as comforting as I am sure it was to hear, I would act as though what HE said to you is the truth without codes or hidden meanings.
He does not want a relationship. Hoping for one will only disappoint you.
He was honest about his feelings (if a bit late) and it is entirely ok for you to be honest as well. You are looking for a relationship; not a confusing scenario with a ‘friend’ who cuddles but doesn’t want anything else. Do not allow him to send you any more mixed signals while he sorts through his heart – take responsibility for yours and do it now, before you get more emotionally invested.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Ashley0112358  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 This quite a short answer for me, so i will expand on it if you want me to, just ask.
I know you dont revisit the conversation but i think you should speak to him, let him know that you understand that he doesnt want to rush things due to his divorce, and agree to take things slow with him, just be there and support him
Explain you have also had bad relationships so you somewhat know the situation he is in. You both seem to have fun together, so even if you just remain friends for now, it is better than not being with him at all. Eventually he will get over his divorce (with the help of friends) and then he may feel more secure about throwing himself into a relationship.
You havent screwed anything up completely, and you can still fix things.
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