A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For a period of time from 2011-2013, I had an affair with a married man.I make no excuses for my behavior, which was terrible, but I had earlier that year been assaulted, had gotten out of a long-term relationship, and my self-esteem was at all time low. It was, unfortunately, the perfect storm for me to enter into this sort of relationship.The man I had an affair with turned out to be very manipulative.Again, I don't make excuses for my choices, but he pursued me, promised me he was leaving his wife, and initiated the relationship. I think we unfortunately have the stereotype of the woman who steals the happily-married man away from his wife, and while I don't deny that that must happen sometimes, that was not my situation.Still, I accepted his advances knowing he was married, and I sincerely regret the pain I caused his wife, who later learned of the relationship.It ended, and badly, when I left him. He had lied and used me enough, and I grew a bit of a backbone. He didn't take it well and more or less stalked me out of the state; I had to move across the country to get away from him.Once I moved, I made the conscious decision to not date for a while. I knew I needed time to heal, evaluate my choices, accept my mistakes, forgive him, and forgive myself. Forgiving myself, I've learned, has been far more difficult.Although I am doing much better now, about a year and a half later, I still find myself unable to date. This man shattered my trust so completely that I have now lost the belief in true love, or soul mates.I am so introverted and scared when it comes to guys. All of my friends encourage me to get an online dating account or try to meet guys, and I absolutely clam up and can't do it.I like a guy I've met now, but I find myself pulling more and more into my shell. I feel like I am unworthy of his time or any other man's, and I feel like what I did is unforgivable in the eyes of a man. What man wants a girl who once slept with a married man? I feel like no one will ever be attracted to me again, and that I deserve that because I did a terrible thing in having an affair.Am I wrong? Right now I feel like I will be damaged goods forever and am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm 25 and it's heartbreaking to feel like this. I feel like I could give love and affection to someone, but the idea of anyone wanting me seems completely impossible because I am so broken and undeserving and unattractive. Did I ruin my life?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (20 October 2014):
Show me the person who never has made a mistake. Yes, you did a terrible thing, and this man left you hurt and shattered. You have been punished enough. You have, through this painful episode in your life, learned the importance of trust and love: you thought you had something special with this man because you got flattery and attention. Now you realise that’s not enough. You see his character for what it is, and the emptiness people like him will bring to your life. You say you find it hard to trust again, but the truth is you knew what that man was like before you got involved as you knew he was married. I very much doubt the wiser you, healing as you are from the scars of that relationship, would do anything other than run in the opposite direction if you found another untrustworthy man like him trying to come in to your life.
You need to draw a line under the past and I agree that some kind of counselling might help you do that, air your feelings and find a way to see the past for what it is, accept you can’t change it, and not allow your present and your future to be defined by it. You are a wiser person than the young, vulnerable woman who made a mistake at a real low point in her life. You need to understand that men you meet now want to date the person you are now: the kind of person who would not ever do such a thing. A good man who is worthy of you, will understand that it is your personality and your qualities that count, not the mistakes you’ve made. You should see a date as nothing more than a way to determine if you’ll get on with some-one. Take it slowly and let it build from that starting point, if anything’s going to happen. As you get to know some-one, you learn to feel more comfortable letting your guard down, and letting them see the faults and failings as much as the strengths. I think you do just have to understand that your self-image and the image others have of you are very different at the moment, realise there is no harm in getting to know guys to see if you get on, and realising that forgiving yourself means accepting that you have done as much as anyone can now to put things right, and that you are now living a better life. This will take time, but if you’ve found some-one you might like, simply persevere. He probably just thinks you’re a bit shy, and with your confidence so lacking, he wouldn’t be a million miles from the truth. If it has the potential to get more serious, tell him of your bad experiences. People won’t run a mile from you, they will respect you all the more for having the guts to take responsibility for your past mistakes, and not letting them define your future. Anyone who can’t see how courageous that is, isn’t worthy of you. Please stop thinking that you deserve any further punishment, you don’t.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2014):
 Have you dealt with the assault at all? In a counseling/therapeutic manner? BEcause IF you think part of the reason you got involved with a this guy in the first place, then maybe you need to work on the root of your problems. And having been assaulted will have affected you pretty profoundly.
As for the affair. Well, it wasn't a good thing to do. Not for you and certainly not for his marriage. BUT again, YOU didn't make vows with the wife, HE did. HE stepped out of his marriage, because he was a sucky husband. He took advantage of someone vulnerable (you) and unfortunately you let him.
Did you ruin your life? Of course you didn't! You just had a VERY hard and "emotionally expensive" lesson.
Are you damaged good? Of course not! You let yourself get sucked into an unhealthy relationship with a manipulative, nutty guy who happened to be married. Doesn't make YOU damaged good. In all this, that DUDE (the married guy) is severely damaged goods and I hope his wife learned something from all this too, and divorced his dumbass. So in a roundabout way, you might actually have given her an insight into the man she was married to, that she didn't have. Did the affair hurt her? Without a doubt, but really WHO hurt her most? YOU or her husband? I bet you know the answer that that.(in case you don't - hint, it's him).
Forgiveness sounds easy. People LIKE to make it sound like anyone and anything can be "forgiven". ACTUALLY forgiving someone (or oneself) takes time and effort. Not just faith.
What you NEED to do is to STOP beating yourself up for having made a bad choice. For having made a huge mistake. You were 22 and he was what? older I bet. He KNEW what he was doing, you didn't. You knew ( I hope) that it was wrong but you still did it.
So in the future if you met a guy who has a GF, fiance or wife - will you "date" them? Or will you walk away? Will you look at a guys action over just listening to his sweet words?
My guess is, you will be more careful with the men you date. Which, isn't really a bad thing.
I would say that you OUGHT to focus on yourself a while. I don't think you're really ready to date til you can OPEN up with someone, and maybe.. a potential BF isn't the right person to talk to. And I think you need to deal with the assault.
And start by getting out of the shell more. SOCIALIZE is key. You will find that you HAVE a lot to offer others. If you don't really feel ready for a relationship, then stick to friends and family. Let them show you that YOU are worthy of love.
I don't want to make light of having an affair with a married person, but THAT is not ALL you are, or ALL you will ever be. You do not walk around with the RED A on your forehead. It shouldn't DEFINE who you are. IT was a mistake. And it's costing you. But the longer YOU dwell on it, the more of your life you waste on this worthless DUDE (aka the married guy) - don't you think you have given him enough of you already? Don't let him have your future too.
YOU are in charge of YOUR life. You will make mistakes (we ALL do) YOU need to learn to have more TRUST in yourself. Being OK with saying NO. Things might FEEL good, but if your head tell you this may not be so great, then you need to listen. I think many women have that trait that we have GREAT instincts but we don't always follow them.
Chin up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): "Did I ruin my life?"
No, you haven't ruined your life.
You made a mistake, you've admitted to making a mistake and you're accepting responsibility for your mistake; many people lack the capacity to admit they were wrong, let alone take responsibility for their actions so you're already far ahead of others who've found themselves in similar circumstances.
The only ways you can allow it to ruin your life is by failing to learn from it, which should be easy given your insight, and by failing to forgive yourself, which you are understandably finding to be very difficult.
Time and distance are great healers; you've provided yourself with distance so now you need to give yourself some time to come to terms with the past and move forward. As someone old enough to be your father I can assure you that you are still very young and in time you'll be able to go on with your life.
We all make mistakes, those who allow them to ruin their lives are those who refuse to grow from them.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 October 2014):
Your life is what you decide it should be. Everyone has been through hard times and everyone knows that life generally throws the hardest punches. The one's who choose to stand back up are the ones who have a bigger chance to succeed. Life will ultimately keep you down if you let it...and this is where I believe you are.
You are on a path to recovery and just as it is getting harder because you are dating again, you are looking for things to blame, pointing your finger at the man in your past and yourself. You are telling yourself that you don't deserve to be happy. Look around you, as the only person keeping you from everything and anything happy is yourself.
Is your life ruined? It is if that is what you believe. Is your life not ruined? Is it not ruined if you believe this as well. What is the difference between those two statements One requires you to just believe in yourself.
On to smaller aspects: this guy you are dating is obviously ready and willing. When you jumped into a relationship with a married man, one thing kept leading to another. Eventually, things spiraled out of control. But realize, that is didn't just suddenly happen. Well your friends are right, they want you to start dating again, put a bigger picture to paint for yourself is that doing good habits, bit by bit, will keep you on a positive path. I am in no way saying that life will be any safer, but it sure a lot more manageable.
I didn't want to say anything obvious in my answer but I hope you don't specifically point out any misunderstandings on my part. My intention is that you may be able to give yourself the strength you need to step on the train waiting for you. I do not think you have ruined your life. There are many years ahead of you with the best moments yet to come.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): Work on forgiving yourself and building self-esteem. If you feel you can't do it alone, don't hesitate going into therapy. I have been in therapy in the past and found it beneficial.
Repeat after me…..I [insert your name] did not ruin my life. You're a young woman with a full life ahead of you.
Hold your head high, you're a person of value. Now it's time you know it and believe it!
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