A
female
age
41-50,
*allenStar
writes:I left my husband whom I was in a relationship with for 10 years last December. We were very close, but I never really loved him. I am now living with my new partner who is going through a horrible divorce. We have been together for 8 months. I didn't want to move in with him so soon, but I love staying with him and financial situation / separation situation forced me to stay here. He has a 8 year old and I have a 2 year old. My problem is this. I feel so lost at the moment in that I have lost all my independance. I am so happy with this man, I love him to pieces and he is wonderful to me, but I am living in his and his ex's home, my son sleeps in his daughter's old pink boxroom.Whereas when he was born I tried to give him the best of everything as I think he will be my only child, I decorated his bedroom as soon as I fell pregnant and I really made the effort to make sure he had everything in place. After being in my own home and spending 10 years 'nesting', I am struggling with such a huge change and I feel like all those years of trying to build a family home have gone. My partner has told me that I should feel at home, but I really struggle to. His ex still owns part of the house and if I change anything small such as move some jars around he comments and makes jokes about it to friends. My other problem is house rules. When I brought my child into the world, I had certain ways that I intended to bring him up. My new partner has very different ways of bringing his daughter up. All his friends and family joke about her ruling the house, but it is not good for a two year old to learn from. I understand he has suffered greatly since his separation, which is why I struggle to comment... but it is really upsetting me at times and it does affect my relationship with his daughter. I get on so well with her, she is a wonderful child, but her father treats her more like a best friend than an 8 year old. If he wants her to do something such as wash properly, sleep in her own room etc. he uses her mum as an excuse for asking her... "what would your mum tell you to do?" "what would your mum say about that". My son and his daughter don't get on which is the biggest issue for me. His daughter is very jealous of my son. If my son goes near her dad she will hiss at him or push him. She says things such as "I like you being here but not (my son)" and "I hate him". Recently she has started to be nice to him in front of her dad because we have discussed it... but as soon as his back is turned she will glare at him until he cries. My partner will then say "oh is he crying again, he is always crying" not seeing the reason why. I struggle to tell him the real reason as he gets very defensive of his daughter naturally. I feel so stuck. A few times now I feel for my son's sake I should go back to my old home and try to rebuild my life with my son alone... my ex lives there at the moment but he is talking about moving in with his girlfriend. I love the man that I am with to pieces - I would marry him in an instant, but the problems are bothering me so much now that I can't sleep, I am always moody and I am starting to feel completely lost. I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): Just a few things to mention:- his daughter is manipulative- u moved on too soon- the house still belongs to his wife (half). BTW he is still married so u cannot marry him now- this house will NEVER be your home. It will always belong to him and his wife. So u will always feel like an outsider- this 8 year old will make your sons life a misery. If u stay in this relationship it means that u put your needs first and not your young child. Your boy will always be second best. Is this what u want.Your new bf will not change his views concerning his daughter. Seems as though she calls the shots. As she grows older she will get worse.I hope u do not leave your baby alone with her. Call me paranoid or creepy But I will not thus the girl with your baby. I have heard horrific stories and u need to protect your kid: check for any pinch marks, bruising,"Accidental" closing fingers in door/fridge etc. Right now your boy is terrified of her and as he grows up he will have major self esteem and emotional issues.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, missindependant39 +, writes (5 October 2011):
Your story is so sad. Your poor little boy is your priority. I know exactly how you feel as I was in a similar situation and we were one of the families in the Stepfamilies series aired 6years ago. I have since left the situation. I stayed with my then partner for a year after that but it was too much of a struggle with all the children not getting along.I felt I had moved in too soon with my then partner after only a year but 8 months is no time at all.I think you would be better off (I know it is difficult financially) to try and get a place of your own for you and your son and get to know one another properly before tring to live happily ever after.I know - easier said than done. I hope it works out for you all. I really do know how hard it is.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (5 October 2011):
Please do what is right for your son please move out and build a home with just you too I know that you love your boyfriend and moving out will not change that it may make it better but your son is being bullied by another person no matter if she is 8 yrs old your partner should be defending your son as he is only 2 there is a 6 yr age different. You say your feelings are all over the place because of the situation would you feel better two in your own place where you can have it how you want it. Good luck in what ever you do I hope it works out for you all.
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