A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is sort of complicated...but not at the same time. Just a decision I have to make and would like some input. My husband and I separated almost two years ago. We had a very bad emotionally abusive relationship. He never worked, expected me to do everything, and never helped me. We have a now three year old son. We haven't lived together since our separation. 6 months ago I met a wonderful man. He is a hard worker, has full custody of his only son, and isn't the least bit lazy. I find him intelligent, supportive, helpful, and attractive. We get along wonderfully. He doesn't know I'm married. I refer to my husband as my child's father. I think he assumes that we are divorced. I do not live with him. We date. And we both have busy lives/work schedules, so we don't get to see each other that often, but we communicate constantly and make an effort to go out on a date at least once a week. My husband finally started working and taking care of himself. He has been very congenial towards me, and is starting to hint that we should give it another shot to see what happens. I don't know what to do. I know what I have been through with my husband, and I know what to expect from him...I have seen him at his worst and at his best, but the worst of him is really making it hard for me to accept that maybe he changed. If he is capable of being a "normal" person, one who takes his part of the family responsibility and one who is loving towards his wife, then I want to try. But it's almost like I'm programmed that I know what to expect, and I don't want another slap in the face. If I stop seeing the guy I'm dating, he will take it hard, and I don't want to hurt him or stop seeing him when the chances that my marriage will go down the toilet again are extremely high. It's not like I need to have a man in my life...I'm young and fairly attractive, so I don't want to waste my prime years on a man who is going to end up quitting in the end and makes me miserable like he did before. I want normal family life, and I want more children. I'm not getting any younger. What do you think? Should I give my husband another chance and risk losing the life I really want, or should I finally file for divorce and move on?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I have to weigh in on the divorce side. I know that sometimes a leopard can change his spots but it doesn't happen often enough to take this risk. Get your divorce and you new life.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Your husband/child's Father has not come out and directly said he wants to give your relationship another try.
Dropping hints and taking actions are two different worlds.
Some facts needs to come out in the open. You have no hope of having a successful and honest relationship with ANY man without revealing the truth.
The man you are dating needs to know that you are not legally divorced if he has been under the impression that you are legally single. If you are legally seperated (legal papers) then share that with the man. He deserves to know the truth and how you feel about the relationship. (If you are monagamous and it is clear you are his gf)
Now, this is not a choice between two men. This is about choices you make for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): Sounds like you really should just move on. Sometimes people change, but often once their need to change ends they revert back.
You have this new trustworthy man- why lose that and risk more emotional abuse and heartache?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): I'm struggling to see why you would even consider getting back with your husband, when things are great with your new guy? If you have the life you want now, and you love this new man, why on earth would you even think about going back to your past? What are your motivations for doing so? Is it some kind of misguided belief in the biological family (seriously, consider this carefully: a good step-parents is way better for a child than a bad biological parent)? Or do you have lingering feelings for your ex? You don't need the past - move on, and have fun! You deserve a chance to be happy in life!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): I say go for the divorce.You sound like you are trying to give yourself permission for this.I don't know how long you were married for but you say it has taken at least the two years of your separation for your husband to start to change.But, importantly, you seem unsure of yourself and not finding it easy to make a decision. Sometimes people are indecisive because they have their own insecurity and doubts about their own value.I believe that your lack of self value led you into staying in a marriage with a man who was abusive towards you. Maybe he even drew out aspects of yourself that you did not like, and now you doubt your own worth even more.Don't think of it as a choice between two men. Think of it first as a choice about you. Get rid of the man who has hurt you so much and just concentrate mainly on building your esteem even more. Take your time to really get to know the other man.I would start divorce proceedings immediately and, as soon as the first legal stages are underway and if the new man is still around, tell him that you are actively going through a divorce and it has been so painful for you that you didn't want to talk about it until now.
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