A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:My boyfriend is on a business trip to Germany for 3 months while I am in the UK. We both took annual leave the week before he left and were supposed to go on holiday but didn’t manage to book anything. So we decided to spend time together where he lives. On the second day together his ex-girlfriend emailed him and is clearly still in love with him. He was honest and insisted that I read the email as previously I have got very upset and even checked his email only to find messages between them. I found it very upsetting that she is still stuck on him. He laughed it off and deleted it and told me that he feels like I don’t trust him sometimes. The same day he took me to see his workplace but when we arrived he asked me to wait in the car as his colleagues were in the building and he didn’t want me to meet them as ‘they are all horrible’. He then told me that he had accidentally forgotten things he needed for his trip back in London. I was upset about the email from his ex and had already been crying a bit but didn’t want him to know that. I was also upset at being sent away from his workplace and I got angry. I told him that I wanted to go back to my home and he should go back to his home and we could catch up later in the week. He told me that he wanted to spend time together and he wanted to stay with me in London or not go back at all. He decided not to go back but I was still upset so I was unable to sleep. I was crying and not able to sleep and he was angry at our argument too and annoyed that I was so restless. The following morning we collected his things from London and slept in the afternoon. I feel really sad that we had this argument and my restlessness continued throughout our week together as thoughts about whether he will dump me like his ex went through my head. I told him that I was restless because I was sad that he was leaving but I’m sure he doesn’t really believe that. How can I deal with this or have I missed my opportunity to resolve this now as we spent a week together and I didn’t talk more about it and now he has to concentrate on his business trip? I hate having ‘relationship conversations’. Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): It seems like you are looking for excuses to be unhappy and think about the worst case scenarios while he is trying to be honest and open with you. In short, you became upset that you weren't the center of attention and then you were sulking instead of articulating. He may not have introduced you to his colleagues precisely because you were sulking and they might have teased him (or you )about it.If you want this relationship, then try harder to articulate. I might contact him and apologize. Acknowledge that he is trying to be open with you and acknowledge that you are being over-sensitive.I think most people at one point or another experience doubt and feel they are under appreciated by our partner, but if you don't articulate what upsets you and behave passive-aggressively instead, there is no way he can know what to do about it.
A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I'm sorry that you have been so upset about this situation, but neither of you can help whether or not his ex still has feelings for your boyfriend. Don't forget, he is not with her anymore. Don't feel insecure. If you really can't cope with this you will have to talk with him about it. It does seem that he is trying to be honest with you.
I can't blame you for being hurt at not being allowed in his office, but this was most likely made worse because of the ex-girlfriend thing going on in the back of your mind. If it happens a second time, then you might start asking some questions.
You don't need to feel bad about arguing with your boyfriend, you were feeling insecure and were reaching out to him.
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A
female
reader, swiftone +, writes (11 January 2011):
You need to be more confident here. He is with you, not her. Who cares how she feels towards him? He isnt even with her anymore! Try to be more positive and be a pleasure to be around.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (11 January 2011):
Has your bf given you any cause to distrust him with regards to his ex? Or is it all one sided? The fact that he is now open with emails from her seems like a good sign to me.
I don't understand why you would have been crying about this, frankly. Presumably he can't do anything to stop her liking him, but as long as he doesn't reciprocate then there's not much he can do, surely. I also don't really understand why you would get angry about the work thing. If he just wanted to get in and out of there quickly then it would probably take twice as long if he had to introduce his gf to everyone he saw as well. Where I work it would not even be possible to take a partner in to my office due to the nature of the work so perhaps that was an issue as well?
I think it is interesting that you say he dumped his ex. Did he dump her for you? Or were you not in the picture then? I think that is important to know here.
I think you need to give yourself a shake and get out of this bad mood. Don't let him go away with that in his mind. The fact is that, at least from your post, I imagine he is completely unaware of what he is supposed to have done wrong in your eyes, and I also think that most of it is probably something you have made worse by over-thinking it. He probably just thinks you are acting weirdly.
Can you get back to us on why you are so upset about the ex?
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A
male
reader, cupid_1234  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 You need to stop living in the future and past and live in the PRESENT. You can't do anything about the past and you make your future. If you will be restless and sad and angry, then maybe he will dump you. He is with you which means he loves you. He is a honest person and told you about his past and shared with you. He did it to make you feel confident that he loves you only and his past is gone. No one knows what will happen in the future. You only have control over the present. Its natural to feel jealous and restless but don't overdo it. And yes, you need to trust him. No trust, no relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): You are agonizing about things that are of little consequence. An email from an ex being the main driver. Are you perhaps being a little insecure and needy. You know yourself better than anyone, so give it some thought. The fastest way to undermine a relationship is with insecurities. A confident woman would have laughed off the email. But it has unsettled you. Put this behind you and be positive and upbeat in conversations with him, don't get bogged down in 'analyzing' everything. Just make your relationship work on a positive level.
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