A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys..... So I met a guy online and I'm totally new to the online dating thing, and not sure If I'm entirely comfortable........ So we went on a couple of dates and things seemed to be going well, he said he liked me and I do really like him...... However for the past 3 days he seemed to be ignoring me, so eventually I just asked him if I'd done anything wrong, he said no he was busy but id seen him online a few times, I just said if you don't want to talk to me then that's cool but let me know ..... I'm a really honest person and just prefer things to be straight forward ....... He did not take it well and said that was a crazy thing to say and I could think what I wanted it was upto me..... Then he just deleted me :/........ So I think on the one hand maybe I was right..... But on the other maybe he just thinks I'm crazy now ...... I just don't have time for games or messing around , blowing hot or cold etc...... Have I messed things up.... I do really like this guy
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I think with your update OP, that Cindy nailed that guy.
If he suddenly did a "vanishing act" after you did NOT want to sext/talk sex/share pics etc. then it was probably because he felt after 2-3 dates and some chatting she should be ready for a test drive...
When you asked him what was up, you asked WHAT DID I do wrong? The thing is... he couldn't say :" you didn't want to PLAY my kind of game (sexual talk) so I lost interest" without sounding like a total douche. So he took the easy way out... and blocked you. Since he knew easy sex was NOT going to happen anyways.
When it comes to dating online DO NOT assume YOU are doing things "wrong". You are smart enough to look back over the cause of the "getting to know you" period and tell if you did something "wrong" or not. But not if it's "wrong for him, but for you.
The whole :
"well as saying that I was in person more than he'd expected and he'd certainly be "mine" if I wanted (in a dating kind of way)....." Is like offering you a carrot. YOU took the bait. Because? You were/are looking for a partner - he THEN tried to push your boundaries a little more with the sexual chat... you didn't take the bait.
For a guy who WAS looking MORE for a sexual connection than a relationship partner... he decided to move on RIGHT THEN and THERE.
But IF you were not COMFORTABLE talking sexy stuff, you DID the right thing. FOR YOU.
For him, yea, not wanting to get down and dirty = no longer interested.
You WILL met guys who CLAIM to be looking for a wife, the future mother of their children, someone to be his better half etc.. but when no sex or sexual chats happen AS FAST as THEY want it to happen (because they don't have the patience to "fake" interest for too long, after all SEX is the goal) they lose interest.
Don't try and explain ANYTHING to this guy - YOU don't owe him squat.
I think for you (or any woman doing online dating) TAKING things REALLY slow is the smartest thing they can do, because it roots out the "I really only want some causal sex" kind of guys.
My BIL has been looking for a partner through online dating. He was QUITE serious about wanting to find a potential wife and or long term partner. He has run into SO many women who would JUMP into bed with him, do things, hang out date etc, but when he talked about where do we go from here (about 3-5 months into it) they pull back. Aren't ready to date after all. I think because the women wasn't REALLY looking for long term, but for a guy to TREAT them nice for a little while. Couple of them "used" him. Plain and simple. One to get back at her ex, and one for having him help pay bills ( that one had SEVERAL men paying "bills" for her. He found out later on).
It REALLY is a jungle out there, so BE careful, be honest and TAKE your time.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 July 2015):
 OP, it's not us responders who are harsh. It's reality itself. Or the dating world, if you wish - it's a jungle out there :) !
Now, I don't want to make you unduly paranoid , nor I want to imply that all people you meet on dating sites are liars and crooks and timewasters. I guess it's like the rest of the world- there will be good people and bad people, and half and half people.
But, same with Internet dating as in the real world, you must take everything you hear with a pinch of salt and not assume that just because someone said something or agreed to something- that makes it Gospel truth.
It's normal and natural, and, within certain limits, not a negative to be motivated by self interest , and to have your own interest at heart more than that of a stranger sitting somewhere in front of a PC screen. Without being a shameless liar, crook and manipulator ( of which,anyway, there are plenty on dating sites ) most people will twist the factual truth a bit, or omit a few little things, or give their own spin to a concept,- in order to realize their objective and get what they want . Not what YOU want.
So, you, - as THOUSANDS of other girls did, do and will do in future, post on a site, warning : only looking for serious committed r/ ship. Not into casual dating or ONS.
In theory, that should be enough to scare away ..anybody who is not keeping an engagement ring handy , just in case,in their coat's pocket right ?...
Wrong. The average guy, if he likes your profile and pics, will think : I'll give it a shot and try my luck, what's the worst that can happen ? she can't sue me, can she ?
But, it does not have to be just a callous guy who only wants to get laid by any means necessary.( although, your guy probably is, callous, from something you bring up in your update, but of this, later ). It may be very well that your interlocutor too, honestly is on the site looking for a serious relationship or even his lifetime soulmate. Only, it does not have to be YOU, and it does not have to be you just because he found you, at a first or second superficial meeting, attractive and personable. There may be OTHER attractive and personable girls on the site, and he knows that perfectly, and he does not want to miss his chances to meet them and pick the very best , and the thing is, by general dating sites unwritten but well known policy, that's not incorrect or dishonest, the guy probably HAS 3 or 5 other " lines" out, waiting to see who bites faster and better,... and , whether you and I like it or not , ( we don't ) that's considered normal and acceptable. Even in the process of looking for ONE serious Gf, because there is a preliminary selection phase. The idea is , if you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen ( i.e., seek your bf rheough other means ) , and, while some people is at least more discrete and more mindful of their date's sensitivities, some other people take your guy's attitude of : we are not a couple YET so WTF are you questioning me for ?
I am not saying that this is right- or wrong either , just that it IS, and it's a bump on the rocky road to love :) which many many girls have met, regardless of their official disclaimers : "serious only, please".
Think about it, OP: you are a girl who knows exactly what she wants , and good for you. The problem is, not all people ( in life, not only on dating sites !) will CARE about what YOU want- they will care about getting what THEY want, and the fact that you stated what is good for you,- won't make them stop pursuing what's good for THEM. Even if that means bulshitting you a little.
Now, back specifically to your "gentleman " : I still think that you got carried away by your own enthusiasm , and overrated how much he liked you. I.e. : sure, he probably liked you , you are young, sound sweet and a nice girl, probably good looking too, what's there not to like ?! But, he did not "take " to you in a more personal way, as you did to him, - that's why he could dispose of you so easily, and that's where the " callous " part comes .
Maybe it's inexperience OP, but you seem strangely unable to connect the dots, and to read between the lines.
Soooo, your last conversation turned ( or, would have turned if you had let him ) naughty and sexual. He kept tryng to get it into that direction, - and you told him that you were uncomfortable, and not ready for that at all.
AND, right after that, he gets distant, busy, acts uninterested,... and when you complain,he gives you your walking papers right away.
Uhm. Curious coincidence, wouldn't you say ?.
He was present and interested ; but as soon as he finds out you aren't as " sexual " as desired...he gets " busy ".
You may want to reflect about this a bit, OP, in order to re-evaluate the situation , and the opportunity of further contacts with this guy. Personally I think you should not even bother ;but you sound very motivated ...to go bang your head against a concrete wall ( I doubt he would care about your explanations or have any patience with your "confusion" ). So, I 'll just keep my fingers crossed for you and hope that this time I figured the guy, and the whole situation, all wrong.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2015):
 OP I would not contact him. Rather I would chalk it up to lessons learned and move forward to the next guy.
No sense in making an effort this hard this early out.
IF he gets in touch with you later on feel free to see him but don't hold your breath.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Leave it be. If he wants you he will get I touch.
The other people who answered do not know you've been hurt badly and are only offering constructive criticism .
Men like to have their alone time. Don't contact him while he is this upset stage it will only make things worse(a lesson I have learnt!)
Just leave it be, don't contact him and just move on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): OP - you are in the same position that I was in a few months back. I think it is too early to say how he will react to you contacting him - seeing he has only just cut ties with you in the last week or so.In my position my ex turned really hostile and angry with me because I had 'outed him' as they say (luckily before we'd become serious)! However, his male pride couldn't forgive me - so I am still without contact. However, with you - who knows - things may change in a week or two - especially if he did really like you.However, it still seems to me that he is just keeping his options open and is maybe going with the first female who will sleep with him. You have held back so far and I did too - which resulted in my ex going with a girl who was willing to give him a lot more, a lot more quickly.Men can be shallow and just want the sex and there are women out there who pander to them thinking they will find love that way - don't give him the satisfaction of becoming one of these women - if he wants you for who you are - he'll be back - that's how I see it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Hi, OP here......... Maybe I should also mention that prior to dates we'd been talking for weeks, having some pretty deep discussions and both made it clear we were looking for commitment, rather than casual dating....... After and on actual meeting he reiterated this as well as saying that I was in person more than he'd expected and he'd certainly be "mine" if I wanted (in a dating kind of way)..... To which I said of course i would like, we got on extremely well, lots in common and great chemistry ....... So yeah that is pretty confusing to me when I hear things like that yet then can send I'm a simple hey how's your day been and he can read it but totally ignore it ..... I guess we are just very different but I wish he'd just have given me chance to explain that it was confusing me rather than cutting me off!..... Before this I'd just gone with the flow however confusing it was for me but I couldn't keep my mouth shut this time since prior to the ignoring me thing he'd been talking to me all night and kept trying to turn the conversation abit sexual which i said I wasn't up for just yet.......so whilst that may be slightly insecure to some people i think some of the answers are abit harsh considering that I have been used and hurt very very badly in the past
So, since I did like this guy a lot and can't ahake the feeling that he would have been something special do I just leave it now? I don't want to try explain myself incase I scare him off more.... I did try re add him which he didn't accept :/ ......!i was thinking of leaving it a a few weeks then sending him a casual text seeing if he'd like to get coffee or something .......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): I disagree with Ciar - you'd had a couple of dates & that to me suggests a guy is interested in YOU - otherwise why go on a second date at all?
So I think you were well within your rights to ask if you had done anything wrong - as long as you said it in a polite & sensible manor! The guy should've been mature enough to say he had been busy or whatever & then leave things at that. It's too easy to delete & block people these days without giving someone a real chance! So - maybe you could've held back another day or two before asking him - but really he seems to have made his decision clear now whatever - so I would just cut & run!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 I agree. I think you messed this up as well.
At this early stage there should have been no expectations or obligations and it should have been understood that you were both free to talk to and date others. It might have been that he liked you well enough but didn't want to encourage you to form an attachment just yet and since he was busy anyway, he used this an opportunity to slow things down a little. He could have met someone else, lost interest in you or been genuinely busy.
By following him online then confronting him as you did you pretty much told him that you have no other options, no one else is interested in you, you have few friends or hobbies to keep you busy and entertained, that you don't like your own company, that you have no patience, no sense of boundaries and no self respect. And that message could not have been more clear if you'd post it on a billboard. If you don't resemble my description in any way, then you've done yourself a disservice.
What you should have done was continue on as usual. Go out on other dates, get together with friends, work late, take up a hobby, read a book, watch movies, go for a walk or a bike ride...anything. He would either have contacted you again or not. You'd be happy either way.
If and when he did contact you you should have been pleasant and upbeat, glad to hear from him, but barely aware of the passage of time (or at least pretending as much by making NO reference whatsoever to it).
Never, I repeat, NEVER ask someone new, be they potential friend or lover, if you've done something wrong. It absolutely REEKS of insecurity and neediness. Assume you haven't until they volunteer otherwise. This is not cocky, but confident. Self assured people don't go about wondering if folks are mad at them every time they don't hear from someone for a couple of days.
Also, some advice for future dating....go OUT on dates, preferably to places and at times of day that don't scream 'intimacy'. Go for lunch, take a tour of the city, check out a museum, go rollerskating, go to mini golf...whatever, anything besides hanging out at each other's homes. This way you both get to know one another (and do something interesting) without putting yourselves in that awkward position of having to decline unwanted/premature advances (or having yours rejected). Dates should last no longer than 3 hours and chatting via text/email or phone when you part ways. End the date on a high note and give yourselves time to reflect the experience and eagerly anticipate the next one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 July 2015):
Well, yes, you sort of messed it up. Big time.
Not that you have done anything WRONG , per se. Let's say that you two play by a different set of rules.
Now : I agree that there was no need for him to freak out and to cut you off in such a cold, brutal way. I agree that he COULD have said "sorry, I don't think this will work " even if technically, since all you had had so far, was a couple of dates, and through a dating site, too, he did not HAVE to; and that this would have been nicer , without costing him any big effort.
I agree, in general, that if all people decided to do not just what they HAVE to, by the book, but maybe a little bit more, adding a teensy weensy little bit of courtesy, of comprehension, of human warmth... our world would be a much more enjoyable place to live in.
Yet, I can see how this guy took what you said as a strange thing to say, because it WAS a strange thing to say ( although he should not hve called it " crazy " which is insulting ) .
Fact is, that you may like him as much as you want, but the state of your relationship so far ( only two 2 dates through a dating site, and I am insisting about the venue where you got him from, because normally it is, if not declared, IMPLIED that people goes on dating sites to find / meet SEVERAL ,MULTIPLE dating options , from where, possibly, but not certainly !, choose the " right " one later on ) does not entitle / allow you to have any particular expectations about him or advance any particular request.
In other words, at this stage , it's official go-with-the-flow still. He talks to you when and if he wants, and you respond to him likewise. The fact that you had one or two pleasant dates does not obligate him to be in regular , constant ,or even frequent contact with you , NOR to explain you or justify WHY he has chosen to not communicate frequently and regularly.
Your request of "clarification " is based on the assumption that somehow he broke some sort of agreement or understanding between you, AND that you can logically and naturally have expectations ( of loyalty, consistence, affection, etc. ) from those two dates. Assumption that he rejects vehemently , and that in his eyes put you in the category of "clingy, needy, high maintenance ", etc. and prompted his WTF ?? reaction and his decision to " nip you in the bud ".
Not that you have missed much, you know ?, for the simple reason that... he was not that into you. Otherwise you would not have to push and prod to keep communications cpmong , and/or ( in case he really had been too busy to contact you ), he would never have reacted with such annoyance even in front of your....anxious attachment mode :) .
You see, OP, Internet dating... is not for the faint of heart. If you are the type that tends to get attached very soon, and after one date, starts with the " He likes me / He likes me not ?" mental daisy ...you are going to get little joy from dating sites. I think they only really work if you can join them with the attitude Auntie SVC describes. Basicallly, when you don't give a flying f..k about finding , or NOT finding , somebody, and you really don't give a flying f..k about the impression you'll make on men and how much or how little they will like you... yet you are simply just open to let yourself be pleasantly surprised, if ever. Just in case.
That's the art of " wishing with detachment " which so many Buddhists strive to master,lol ! I.e. the art of being able to want something ,to wish for something ( because, after all, if we did not have wishes, nothing would ever happen, nothing would get accomplished )... but to be perfectly cool ,serene and content even when the wish did not come true , or seems is not coming true anytime soon.
But for many, many emotional people who don't feel so Zen-like about romance and stuff...dating sites, with their known and less-known rules and codes, may result a hard bite to swallow...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): These type of guys generally have 3 to 5 internet lines in the pond at the same time and they converse with all of them at the same time sometimes..i should think your question just didnt fit in with whover else he was talking to so he deleted you as a crossed line so to speak. Thank the Lord he did , but dont be surprised if he popped up again under a different name or face ( and yes, it can be done) because if they think they made progress and headway they come back again as a friendly shoulder to cry on,so be warned.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2015):
I think modern day online dating can be more complicated than it should be.
1. I DO agree that for WOMEN if you start to ignore someone, it's usually because the interest is gone and the woman is hoping the guy will "catch" the hint that she isn't interested. WOMEN tend to do this more than men, mostly because they don't want to be blunt, rude or hurt someones feelings.
2. MEN on the other hand might pull back to analyze the dates, to see how SHE reacts, or busy talking to more ladies than he can actually juggle.
When you got upset that he didn't contact you for 3 days... He decided that YOU must be clingy and "boom" you got deleted. My guess it though, that he wasn't as KEEN as you were or that he had SEVERAL "lines" out and talking to MULTIPLE girls.
3. Many people today don't tell someone, "Hey I don't think we are a good match" they JUST move on. Apparently there is a term for it - "ghosting" and it's considered acceptable when you are NOT a couple, but just going on "get to know you dates".
So I think, you.. got "ghosted". And when you put him on the spot he acted like a brat and deleted you.
I have to say, I don't think you messed up at all. This guy WAS NOT for you. He was NOT as keen on you as you were on him. So TOSS him back in the pond. Try again.
You may feel like this guy "owed" you an explanation, but even with a couple of dates... he is still a stranger.
PERSONALLY, I agree with your attitude, that the LEAST a person can do is say: "Hey, not interested". So you KNOW what's up. BUT it seems you can't expect other to think as you and I do. Which again, should SHOW you that the guy you talked to, WAS not a good fit for you.
I agree with WiseOwlE that IF a guy shows disinterest, TAKE that as a hint that he isn't going in the "Keeper" pile. Don't sit around and wait for him to tell you.
And honestly, when you say "I really liked this guy" - I have to say no, you liked the IDEA of him. He is still a stranger after a couple of dates, and someone who throws a fit and deletes you... is not someone you'd want to waste ANY MORE time on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 July 2015):
I believe that men and women are wired differently for the most part.
Just because a guy comes on like gangbusters and then pulls back to regroup does NOT mean he is losing interest. IT often means he's taking time in his own brain to evaluate the situation and figure it out for himself. Your asking if you did anything wrong etc was to him a red flag.
When I was dating my husband, I didn't care if I heard from him or not. We were LDR and it was a casual NSA/FWB thing. I once waited for HIM to make contact. IT took ten days. I truly believe (and he has said the same thing) that had I tried to force it with him and push him to have contact it would have blown up and not worked out. He needed that time to mull things over.
the problem is YOU REALLY LIKE THIS guy. I will bet that once you meet a guy you don't really like he will behave exactly the way you want the guys you like to behave. Because you ignore him and let him come to you because you don't' care if he's there or not.
It's a conundrum wrapped in an enigma and it's hard to learn.
I strongly urge you to get a copy of a great book by Judith Sills called "A fine romance" it was my "bible" when I was in my 30s and dating (again)
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A
female
reader, Anonny +, writes (14 July 2015):
Hi - I feel your pain as the same thing (more or less) happened to me, only my guy was seeing other women at the same time (unknown to me) which made it worse & when I brought it up - he didn't like it & blocked me.
Like WiseOwlIE says - he was looking for someone to fill his schedule - an ego boost if you like. Plus the fact these people are online means they can basically treat you how they like - they pick you up & drop you back down again with just a click of a button.
It is a very cold & callous way of meeting someone - especially if one of you starts to have feelings & the other doesn't. So I would avoid internet dating if you can. It's an awful way to be treat people's feelings from behind a screen - for no reason. Plus It is cowardice that they can't be bothered to end things properly.
Fear not though - you will not be the only girl it has happened to - he is probably after some other poor girl right now - & if she doesn't give him what he's looking for - he'll be hitting that delete button too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): By the way. You say you really like him. What's the point, if he doesn't show he likes you? Your sudden concern is just your reflex-reaction to feeling rejected. He doesn't hold all the cards. Don't take it to heart when people say they "like" you. Those are not words to get attached to. Building your feelings too soon shows desperation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Take online dating with a grain of salt, my dear. There are a lot of self-important trolls out there who think their doing you a favor by giving you the time of day. There are two things you must always consider. He had an empty schedule, and wanted female companionship. He knew you liked him, and he hoped there might be sex on the first date. Turns out, you're not that type of girl. So he lost interest.
Never let online dating get to you. It's still dating. People nowadays are selfish, vain, and can be quite insensitive; in spite of the descriptions in their profiles. Judge a guy by his actions and character.
If he doesn't stay in-touch, write him off. Ask for no explanations. Don't be quick to blame yourself or believe you've done anything wrong. That's what he wants you to believe; so he won't look like a jerk. He was unimpressed, and I would say; you were "over-impressed." Everyone tries to be nice on the first date, it's what follows the first date that lets you know where they stand.
If they don't seem too enthusiastic about spending time with you, you must learn not to take that personally. They have their criteria, and you have yours. You prefer someone straightforward and honest. Seems he's not. Move on and don't even think anything more of it. Don't bicker with people; because they won't be straightforward. Don't allow yourself to feel judged by people who hardly know you.
Learn to take the hint, and just don't bother with them anymore. If any guy shows signs of disinterest or discourtesy; don't say another word to him. Don't worry about being being "deleted!" It only shows his weakness in character; and perhaps you were a little too eager. Just part of the learning and adjustments you'll have to make, if you continue with online dating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): He sounds like a bit of a commitment phobe and doesn't like getting flagged up for lack of contact. There's plenty more fish in that sea, you'll be fine :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Look honey, it wasn't you at all .. ignoring someone after being in contact with them is typical a red flag; and then deleting when you say hey if you don't want to stay in touch it's cool .. just let this rat go .. He not been satisfied with what he felt with you and he's entitled to his feelings .. you just liked him more than he did you and that's a bummer but hey its not the end of your life . So pick yourself up and chin up .
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