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female
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*oto
writes: I have been married for 11 years to my husband N and have two kids aged 6 and 10. My husband and I had a communication breakdown some time ago and I felt very alone and isolated by him and our sex life was for some years practically non existant. Then a friend bumped into an ex lover of mine quite by chance. I met L 15 years ago and I've always regarded him as being the one big love in my life. We had a deep love affair at the time but things were complicated by the fact he had a one year old child at the time by a woman he'd had a brief relationship with. She and her family closed ranks on him and he eventually decided that the decent thing to do was to marry her although the relationship was ill fated. So L and I reluctantly walked away from each other although we kept in touch sporadically for a while and eventually lost touch. Meanwhile I met N and we got married. Over the years I have never stopped loving L and wondering where he was until my friend who bumped into him gave me his number. I got in touch with him to find that his marriage had failed and his two children were now teenagers and he wanted to be with me still. We do not live near each other but after a few weeks of talking by phone every day we decided to meet and had a beautiful weekend together. We decided to be together after much talk although I knew it was going to be hell splitting from my husband and all that it would imply re. the kids, money, family etc. I told my husband and his response was to see this as a hard wake up call and he has changed and become attentive and knocked back on the booze a bit which has always been a big problem. With him trying so hard I found it too difficult to imagine leaving and taking the kids from him and neither L or I wanted to continue as an affair so we have walked away from each other again...it has broken my heart and I know L would have us get together in a flash be it tomorrow, next year or longer. My husband and I get along better and I care for him and we make a good team with the kids now but I'm not in love. He has made a huge effort sexually but as we've never been particularly sexual together I find this uncomfortable emotionally and find myself feeling cheap afterwards. Theres hardly a moment I don't think of L and wonder what could still be. Have I made the right decision in staying with my husband and remaining loyal.
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affair, cheap, money, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (16 October 2006):
 Well and for the first time he also has had to make an effort to keep you. You don't know how terrific the ground is until you have to walk through air. You showed him that the world could fall out from under him if he does not appreciate it. Give him a chance for the sake of the family...that way if it does not work out...YOU will never feel guilty...because YOU will know that you DID ALL YOU COULD. best luck.
A
female
reader, toto +, writes (12 October 2006):
toto is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo 'been there done that' - I really don't know what I'm going to do long term. My husband and I are both giving each other second chances I guess. I'm willing to try to keep the family together although in my heart I feel sad and frustrated that it took an affair to correct his behaviour. Maybe that was my own fault for trying to avoid confrontation or for not moving on years ago. I still love L but don't want to hurt him so I will not be in touch unless I decide to move on. That doesn.t mean I don't miss him every day. Time and effort will tell what happens. Thanks for listening. I've bottled up for too long. Toto
ps. Ive always got money stashed just in case
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (11 October 2006):
Wow....Hubby's little flaws are pretty significant. And a few weeks of effort IS NOT worth years of what you have dealt with. But, see...You made all the moves....You won him...You pushed HIM. You wanted Kids....he had no need to put any effort into the relationship....because YOU MADE HIM the PRINCESS. Oh baby girl that puts a whole new spin on the wheel. Now you have had it and started walking away and HE has for the first time had to chase YOU. He's been NO kind of father...and If Dream Man Knows and is willing to raise another man's children...that puts him back on the board and in the lead. Now it is time to make hubby win you or loose you.....If he wants to go out with the boys....or secret friends...which is kinda creepy....next time he does....Move....and don't tell him where you are going...or threaten....just let him come home to an empty house and pee all over it....I would SOOO not be cleaning that up. He can learn to wear diaper when drunk...stop drinking...or pass out on a plastic drop cloth...You Poor girl.
And See...for me drug abuse is a deal ender....your children should not see someone who gets so drunk they pass out and make Mom clean up after them. Sends the message to them that this is Normal. I am not Normal either but I don't want my children to think Drinking is a pastime to be emulated.
So I was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY off base telling you to STAY. I would never have. Pee on my carpet once...shame on you...Pee on my carpet twice...to the doctor you go..and if it is Lazy? Out the door you go.
Don't worry....your hubby will soon go back to his crap...begin your exit plan Now. Hoard some cash secretly...plan somewhere to go TO....visit with an attorney. If he has an epiphany and has really changed...then there is no damage done....say you saved it for a romantic vacation....
I wish you luck and I am so sorry that I made you think you had not put up with MORE than enough. Nope....he's of no benefit to your children in his past condition....at least Dream-guy does not need to be housebroken. See what I get for assuming.....
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A
female
reader, toto +, writes (11 October 2006):
toto is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for taking the time to reply. In response I feel selfish and wretched about the whole saga on the part of my husband and L. In my defence Ihave chosen to stay with my husband and L and I are not going to carry on an affair behind his back. L is a loving caring man who i know better than you think and would give me his all and would love my kids. I said no to him and he understands but is sad which makes me sad. I just want to put the record straight about a few things. My husband did not propose to me. I had to suggest it after a few years together or move on. He did not buy me a ring, I bought my own. That was ok, I could live with that. I loved him at the time. He reluctantly gave in to having children. It took him until recently to bother to try and bond with our daughter. No I wasn't beaten but I was left on my own for years to get up with the kids, look after them, take them out etc. He on the other hand lounged around knowing I was coping on my own and feeling desperate. Rare were the times he even slept in the same bed as me. He would sit up drinking at the computer night after night then he would fall asleep and urinate where ever he slept not say a word aboutit and leave me to pick up and wash his clothes. He could not be bothered to play football or do other pursuits with my son who needed him. He had a whole circle of friends I knew nothing about. Any attempt at trying to tackle his problems resulted in him telling me to leave him alone, walking out and leaving me in tears and at times screaming please come back in front of the kids Resultingly I felt I must be nagging so gave up...Dream man? I have never told anyone this because I felt embarrassed, ashamed and funnily enough it seems disloyal now because I know underneath hes a good guy and I care about him. I have been selfish yes but can you blame me for thinking about being with someone who would treat me with a bit of respect. So now for a few weeks he has changed. That's great but I have to know he means it and what I worry about is can I really love him again and if not is he going to want someone who stays out of pity and because of the kids. Yes,children can be scarred by divorce but not all but equally they can be scarred by loveless parents and never learn what a loving relationship is about. I have walked away from L but can I blank out my feelings for him? As he himself said...it's not going to go away. Your thoughts please
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 Agree completely with beentheredonethat. This guy is fiction. Yes, you had a great weekend together, but your husband loves you and has changed his whole life for you. Does that mean nothing? You would be a very selfish woman to leave your husband for a guy you barely know.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (10 October 2006):
Well...you have stayed with your husband....but your are not exactly remaining loyal. Your wishing for someone else and your husband is trying to live up to the other dream guy...and your really not giving him much of a chance. Have you made the right decision...Yes. Breaking up a family for your own little fantasy is pretty selfish...your kids really don't care if Daddy rocks your boat as well as some strange guy.....Daddy rocks Their boat and they love him...just like they love you. WoW...what a great guy you have....He considered your affair a WAKE UP CALL...instead of a perfect moment to buy a shot-gun....or time for a revenge affair...or hating you and demanding you get away from him and his children...and their lawyer.....or staying with you but Punishing you by being cold and distant for 20 years or so....or buying a bright red sports car and daring you to say a word....And all you can think of is....that long lost love?
Please....you have "known" this guy for 15 years....and there is all sorts of chemical WhooooHooooo there. And he's the "lost" love your are sure you'd be perfect with. Well Reality is not dream land and unfortunately your hubby is reality in your mind...he's the car payment and hair in the drain and stinky laundry and kids and responsibility...Yawn....what you HAVE. Dream land man is romance, stolen moments, longing, noble sacrifice in that we always have to be apart for others happiness...and He is the guy that everyone would be shocked if you were seen with.....Excitement.
I don't mean to rain on your boats...but turning Mr Dreamland into Mr Reality will not make your world all happy. You can not imagine the stress it will put on your children...yep I know divorce happens every day....and we have a few kids walking into schools and shooting people but I am sure it was not because divorce added one more stress onto their already pretty scary lives. (AND NO I am not saying divorce is going to make your kids killers.....but I am saying it may SHAPE their personality in ways you will one day regret)
But if their world swings on the thread of you being "IN Love" then its pretty fragile....kids will instinctively get that long before you think they do. (they have a natural survival ability to read their parents moods...better than anyone else)
So where are you now....
You are with a man you say you don't really want to be with...but you care about him...and you have a life together and kids.
Now, see I get the impression that Dreamland man....is a fantasy and that if you really Knew him...you would be shocked at what you gave up for the chance with him. I mean I am assuming that dreamland man is not some War-hero, heart-surgeon with eyes only for you and your hubby is not a wife beating drunk who has been sober for six weeks....it's all in the perspective....and right now You believe your husband is worth less than Dream-guy...but is that fact...or just your chemicals talking.
Lets talk about your hubby's value. What would he be worth to you if he died....would you be proud of how your treated him...what would you wish you had done for him..just once. (he's still here....Do those things now...just like you have secret info that he's going to die in say 3 weeks) Really look at him with love in your heart and think about all the nice things he does....Think about how you felt when he proposed...when you looked in his eyes after giving birth to his children....what are those memories worth to you?
Now I am going to let you in on a little secret...Your husband can very quickly find a replacement for you. Appreciate this fact because it will be your reality and your children's...and you don't get to approve disapprove or even decide if she's someone you want around your children. He could bring home Cindy Cheerleader "call me bubbles" or he could bring home cigar smoking Beulah Ballbrecher and you must live with his choice...how would you feel if he were truly no longer yours. would he suddenly be the one your longing for...because you miss all the sweet things he did for you that you never noticed before and now realise you must do without...because you were a fool?
And don't think for a second that there are not 20 women willing to take your place...for them...having left someone who beats them, or won't work, or has some expensive addiction...Your cast off unwanted hubby IS DREAMMAN.
A great teacher said that people wanting things they don't need brought more suffering into the world than anything else. If people could learn to stop wanting things then the world could be enlightened.
Your suffering because you have yourself convinced you WANT "L". And you are not seeing all the forest for wish of a single golden leaf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2006): I think that you have made the wrong decision if you do not love your husband and you are in love with your ex you are hurting yourself, your childrens and your husband heart even more by staying!
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