A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my b/f for 2 years. He was recently divorced when we met and I pretty much got dragged through the baggage of the aftermath. I also let him live with me, pretty much for nothing until he got on his feet so other than odd jobs and kick in for groceries and 1/2 heating costs, that was it (no rent). His family never warmed up to me and kept his ex-wife actively in their family events so I now just don't attend which has caused a huge strain. Recently, he found out his ex never refinanced the house in her name after the divorce, walked away from it and now foreclosing. I just didn't want to go through another divorce thing as I had been helping him out this long and it seemed as though our plans kept getting put aside so he could deal with stuff. He ended up moving out as he said he couldnt' deal with that stuff and me too (getting upset). Now that things are settled for him he wants to just pick up where we left off - wants to spend every night at my house, eat,etc but now doesn't kick in at all because technically he doesn't live with me. The problem is, I seem to be less stressed out when he's not there and seem to be enjoying my alone time when he left. I almost seem to avoid spending time together. I can't tell if I have fell out of love due to all the stress over 2 years or if I just need time. I feel like I'll miss him if we just end but at the same time, dont' want to be together as much.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (28 July 2010):
You are stressed because of him! and all his baggage. one can only take so much and you are not inlove w/ him the part that is hard for you to understand is some times we don't let go because it is a routine that is apart of our lives and it can be hard some times to put it in the past because it is a part of who we are!! so you need to seperate that and put things into perspective! and having me time is wonderful!! so when hes not around and you are really enjoying you it's because you are. find you again and know its ok to let him go you don't need a man to fulfill you. when you are fulfilled thats when you will find the right relationship!! and gaine total respect and visa versa!!
Best Wishes!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): You pretty much answered your own question: you're not really ready to live together. You need time to relax and not worry about his divorce causing problems in your home.
And he's right: if he doesn't live with you and has his own place, he shouldn't have to give you money he spends the night with you. You can go and spend the night at his place, too, if you wanted.
What is most concerning is you're questioning if you even love him anymore. This is something that you alone need to determine and think about before talking to him about it. No need to cause a lot of drama with him and then later realize that you do love him, but you were simply enjoying your space after being stressed in your own home for so long.
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A
female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (28 July 2010):
I have been throug hte same. I expect he turned on you when he was stressed and was unkind because of his own unhappiness? People are often very selfish then and seem to feed off other people's strength. It is tiring and the relationship becaomes toxic instead of life enhancing. If you had to deal with all that and weren't appreciated then I am not surprised that you feel cool. We all need some space and if you need that you keep it. Let him mend things with you if he wants and see how you feel. Give yourself a few months to think things through.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 July 2010):
 I'm not sure if it's the stress or not, but I can tell you that you have a very kind soul. This guy was put through the wringer by the family court divorce machine, and you were there when he needed it most. Whatever comes of it, you should feel good about that much.
Now, people react most often to that kind of help in one of two ways. A slight majority get resentful, mostly out of self-loathing at their own need for help. Most of the rest are truly grateful, and when the situation passes, you have a faithful friend/lover for life. Certainly, your own attitude can affect which category they fall into, but much of it is simply in their own nature.
Whether or not you have fallen out of love, watch the man and see what happens. Maybe you'll be lucky and he'll be a really grateful one. If so, he would probably make a decent boyfriend for the future. If not, rest easy knowing that you helped a man out, even if he doesn't acknowledge it well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): I think you just realized that you've had enough. Good for u.
Time to move on. There is no reason to stay w/someone only because you don't want to be alone. You did your part, you showed a lot of love, his part was very comfortable for him, after divorce a woman just picked up all his garbage and dealt w/it until he got back on his feet.
Now you realized that you love yourself enough not to be around his garbage anymore. Step away and find yourself someone who will do his part of loving you. This one is no good for you.
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