A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been on my own for a long time now. It has been bothering me for a while but it has only become a problem recently. I don't have particularly great coping skills and feelings of loneliness have become overwhelming. I really need to make some changes/progress. I am a college student and I hang out at this coffee shop frequently but haven't been able to make friends or attract anybody, I go to the gym at school about three times a week but nobody there wants to talk with me.I am 22 but I don't really drink much. I have been considering going to a bar to meet people but I'm not sold on the idea. As stated I was wondering if any girls have done this? I worry about it possibly being dangerous going alone. I also don't really know how people interact at bars (if they go with friends and stick with those friends, if they go with dates, do strangers even interact with each other). Any thoughts on the idea are appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (16 March 2014):
 Have you ever considered joining a community theater?
Going to the bar is great, but everyone is kind of doing their own thing. If you talk to a guy, most likely he is going to assume that he has a shot getting you to go home with him, and if you talk to girls - you might make a friend for the evening, but in the morning, they'll barely remember you.
Community theater is awesome because everybody has to communicate with each other and bond as a team to make something awesome happen. Get involved and you'll be bound to make some friends that last forever. You'll be part of all the inside jokes, you'll have a great memory of a production, you'll work hard, build your resumé and meet some really talented people who might be the best friends you never knew you had.
Just a suggestion.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 Whether or not it is safe to go to a bar alone depends on your area and the bars etc. Any place can be dangerous, sure, there can always be some crazy person with a gun anywhere in the world. But if that's what you're scared of, I can assure you, it is more dangerous going to school/work everyday, because people are known to bring guns and knives to schools/work more often than they bring them to clubs and bars..
Other than that, following standard norms of security will keep you as safe as you can be, even if you were with friends. Don't go up dark alleys, don't go home with a stranger/people you don't know well. Don't leave your drink on the table if you leave, if you do then get a new drink. Watch your purse so things don't et stolen etc. Arrange for a ride home, either have a friend come pick you up, or make sure there are buses you can take, or taxi's. Bring your phone so you can call someone in case something happens.
Do not drink too much. You can have a few drinks to the point where you are in a good mood, but still functioning well. When alone at a bar/club you need to be able to get yourself home safely. If you're do drunk you don't know your name, then you are in no position to look after yourself, and you can get in trouble. For example miss the bus home, get your purse stolen etc. It is VERY easy to steal from a drunk person, which is why they often get targeted. So look sharp and bright, and only drink moderately.
I have gone to bars and clubs alone several times, even at times where it wasn't safe, lol. I've also gone home with guys I don't know etc, I've done all the things people tell you not to do. Nothing bad happened, it rarely does. It's just that if you are in such a position AND there is someone there who is up to no good, you will have trouble. Hence why you are recommended to avoid the situations where you will have your back up against the wall.
If you are concerned about rape etc, I have news for you. They're not really done by strangers, but almost always by someone you know and thought was a friend. So always go home to your own bed, and do not let a guy sleep over, even if you know him from work/school/he is a friend of a friend of yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Go to dance clubs or ballroom dancing . They are better places to meet new people. Make sure you are dressed up well.Find out what kind of makeups and hair styles suit you best and show you glamorous and adopt them.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I took up social dancing (mainly salsa dancing)a few years ago. I met so many people. There are some good friends who have come out of my dance community. There is less talking and more dancing and if you become a good dancer by taking lessons (you do need to take lessons to get the basics down) then you will have lots of partners. Dancing and heavy drinking do not mix so it may be a good crowd for you. A drink or two to relax is all most dancers have and some do not drink at all. Of course, you have to like the music and do be aware that some guys in the dance scene are predatory but that goes with ALL scenes. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (15 March 2014):
 Don't wait for people to talk to you. Be the one to speak first. All it takes is "Hello". Or even a smile. The next time you're heading to the gym, make it your goal to speak to one new person. Say hello or ask how their training is going. While going to a bar alone is probably not recommended, going to the theatre alone is most certainly ok. When everyone's mingling in the foyer at intermission, you can sidle up to someone and comment on the show. Perhaps zero in on others who are there alone (but don't give out any personal information). It might be an idea to read up on social skills too (we can all do with them, LOL). When you're sitting in the coffee shop, search out a familiar face and say hello. Perhaps the next time you see them add a comment, "I love the lattes here, don't you?" That way you are slowly gaining a circle of acquaintances. Who knows, one day they may even become friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2014):
 I worked as a bartender in a nightclub for years and I did go out to bars alone (never drank though) but I would always bump into someone I knew. Going to a bar to met new people, is not really a bright idea. I have seen guys trying to drug lonely girls at the bar (yes, I got hold of the bouncer and told her not to drink it - but even a bartender can't prevent bad thing from happening) I have seen guys buying drink after drink to girls who didn't know how to say no thanks and ended up wasted. And girls being hit on by every creep in the joint because she sat alone.
The people who will approach you are guys thinking you are an easy target, given that you are there by yourself.
People go to bars WITH friends or met up with friends (mostly) and to drink (mostly) so you get groups of people in various stages of drunkenness - not really IDEAL for making new friends.
America don't have a big "Cafe life" like Europe where you can go get a cup of coffee, tea, a sandwich, a beer and play pool or backgammon with friends and/or strangers. Which is a shame because I have spend many Sundays playing backgammon with friends and strangers.
If you are in college I would second you finding clubs or societies to met new people. The chance of you meeting someone (be it male or female) that you share thing in common with is WAY higher then some bar.
I think the reason you aren't "attracting" anyone is because you could be giving out an "I'm desperate vibe". Most people tend to avoid that.
Have you made friends? If not that should be your goal more then meeting a guy to be with.
And I agree with Cerberus, talk to your school counselor and talk, get some coping skills and maybe some input on HOW to go out and MET people to befriend.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 March 2014):
Oh, geeze. Very dangerous, folks? Maybe if you're going to a meat market alone in the middle of the night, getting sloshed then staggering out to your car.
I've been to bars alone many,many times. Sometimes for the great lunch specials, sometimes because I just wanted a drink after work. There are tens of thousands of neighborhood bars and taverns that aren't pick up joints. Its perfectly safe, and yes,you can make friends there.
Sit at the bar,order some awesome pub onion rings,have a nice pint of dark beer and listen to (and participate in) the banter between the bartender and his or her patrons. It's fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): I am older than you and when I was your age I never went to a bar myself. Though I don't see anything wrong with going to a bar by yourself, I think the danger of being harassed there by someone is being a bit exaggerated here, ere are bouncers everywhere and people around, but I wouldn't count on meeting a prince charming in a place like that.
Guys can deny it as much as they want but primarily they go do drinking places late at night to meet someone for a quick sex.
Wheni was younger I was giving my phone numbers at bars all night right and left. How many guys called me after words? May be 1%. They were so all over me that night, but when I just went home that was it for them, they never called for a date.
I go out by myself but only when I travel, asi don't have much choice. I don't pick places that are only drinking places. I ussualy go somewhere where there is a live band. At least you don't just standing around drinking, but at least some event is going on.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 March 2014):
 I have, but only when traveling solo and feeling socially starved - and then I'll typically limit myself to a drink or two so that I can keep my wits about me the entire time.
At home with friends I'm not much into the bar scene - there are, in my opinion, so many more interesting things to do (and spend hard-earned money on) than sitting around drinking. If I were to find myself single again I'd never go to a bar to meet prospective dates... that's just not a pool I'd want to fish out of.
Not saying you can't try it, but realize you could waste a heck of a lot of time trying to find the one good man in a haystack full of drunk guys looking for a one-nighter. As others have suggested, you're probably better off trying to meet those good guys in daylight while doing something that interests you both. Pick anything that interests you, even a little, that you haven't tried yet, and give that a shot first.
Bonus points if it's an activity (like an amateur sports league, or martial art, or indoor rock climbing) where men generally outnumber women by an overwhelming majority. Men who are really into a male-dominated activity often LOVE meeting the rare woman who happens to enjoy the same thing. I'm not saying you should pretend to be something you're not, or to love something you can't stand, in order to attract attention... but if there's something you've always wanted to try but have so far passed on because it doesn't seem 'feminine' or because mainly guys do it, here's your good reason to give it a shot.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (15 March 2014):
 It's not the best idea unless you're looking to get laid (and maybe not even then), though I suppose some bars are better than others.
A better place to make friends and meet people may be the library, or to join some clubs at your college?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): I think that going to a bar alone is a huge mistake. It's potentially VERY dangerous. If you were attacked outside the bar and needed help you wouldn't be able to get it? Furthermore, no one would be there to protect you from the sex predators and drunks there. I don't like bars, and even if safety weren't an issue, it's depressing to go to a bar, even with friends. They're all about desperation and loneliness and the bar scene is just toxic to the soul.You can meet people, but WHY does it have to be a bar? They're for drunks, and lonely, desperate people or sh$t stirring drama kings and queens.Continuing ed classes? Volunteering? Are you into church or temple, etc? There's meetup.com but don't get alone or isolated with people you don't know... meet somewhere PUBLIC and avoid getting into a car with anyone.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (15 March 2014):
 Don't go to a bar alone, its dangerous, drunk men are unpredictable.
When you go to the Coffee Bar do you initiate a conversation or just sit there hoping somebody will talk to you?
Sign up for a team sport, organise a charity run or do a sponsored marathon - your fit enough. Volunteer somewhere that appeals. Get a part-time job in a Bar or shop.
There's lots you can do, just be sure its something you enjoy and stick with it. Approach people in class too - about revision or whatever to do with the topic you study..
I am shy until I know people, used to be convinced I was disliked, but it seems they usually thought I was aloof and didn't want to be approached. Now I smile a lot more, make the first move etc, but its taken years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): You're not sold on it because it's a crappy idea. You'll just go be alone at the bar like you are the coffee shop and the only people who will approach you will be sleazy drunk guys.
You're a college student, OP, join some clubs and societies. The best way to make friends is through common interests. Well the only common interest in a bar is drinking and you're not even big on that so it's pointless.
Now you work out in the gym obviously to stay fit, why not take up a team sport instead?
You may not like any of the things that there are clubs or societies for in your college but give them a try anyway. or you could go volunteer at your local soup kitchen and meet and interact with other lonely people in worse situations than you. Just for social interaction of course, not necessarily for friendships.
Seriously, OP, common interests, figure out what your interests are and find like minded people locally. If you have to then try new social hobbies, maybe you could take up chess or a martial art, or world of warcraft or start going to gigs locally fro bands you like.
Also it doesn't work by "attracting" people, OP, you'll probably have to do a lot of the approaching and talking and stuff.
If I were you I'd make an appointment with the college counsellor too to discuss your coping mechanisms thing and to discuss your loneliness. They have a better idea of things in your area you can do.
Just don't bother with the bar idea, it'll be the same as the coffee shop but there'll be more drunk people and they'll be more annoying. Unless of course you decided to take up a sport like soccer as a hobby, support the local team and go to the sports bar where the fan club meet up and become a member. Much safer idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): Hey I'm also 22 and don't really have that many friends. I started going to bars alone (or sometimes with a female friend) and honestly, a lot of the guys and girls there are sleazy. You might find someone decent to chat with here and there but my problem was the initiating... If nobody talks to me, then I'll just have my drink and leave. But when you're with one person at least, they can invite their friends and those friends can invite their friends, etc, and I found it easier to meet decent people that way rather than hoping to speak to strangers all night without any luck. Do you have at least one friend or acquaintance you can bring along? Also, I think location really matters. One bar I went to, I drank so much I was puking in the bathroom for an hour and nobody really cared. They didn't ID people there and it was really gross. At another bar, some random guy bought me a drink but he turned out to be a real creep. Its better to go with someone cause when guys spot a girl who is at a bar alone, some of them lock their eyes on a potential target (to hook up) and I'm sure you don't want a one night stand or anything like that. I mightve been a bit dramatic, but I get you. Yes, the bar might see like a laid back place where people are chilling and drinking and you might meet someone but you're better off going to the bookstore or something!
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