A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is gonna sound like I am a jerk but I am gonna be honest because I need help, if you can help.I am dating this girl, she's real pretty and an aspiring actress. I am a regular guy with an office job. I encourage her but truthfully I am scared that if she finds success she will leave me, so every time I hear about her success (getting jobs, being noticed/recognized), I feel jealous and am kind of wishing for her it not to happen.Thing is, every time I feel this way I feel like a real jerk and a creep. I feel I should be happy for her and I should feel overjoyed when good things happen to her. But I don't. And so I feel like a terrible friend.What do I do??? Thank you for any help you can give me.I am in areal dilemma.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (19 May 2011):
 I'm going to agree that confidence is the thing, however irrational that might be. It's natural to feel insecure inside, but that doesn't mean you have to project those insecurities on to your girlfriend or wish her ill.
My own boyfriend is a brave and wonderful man, but financially speaking we aren't on the same planet. I'm also considered rather attractive while he's more "smart" than "handsome". And yet, the ease with which he carries himself, the confidence he has in the fact that he's my favorite and no one can take his place - it's almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess. I've had a few relationships in the past which have never worked out, and I think the reason at the bottom of it was that those men wanted to possess me all for themselves and feared losing me. This guy seems secure and confident in knowing that I'm his, is absolutely comfortable with our open relationship...it just works, you know.
Look, finally, if she leaves you when she becomes successful, would that be worse than her being with you and being bitter about her lack of success (and possibly blaming you for it)?
Don't hate yourself, but try not to be jealous either. Things will take their course, you can only be the best man you can be for her and hope she appreciates that.
A
female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Yeah I agree with the other readers on here. If this chick truly loves you then she will not leave you. In fact, if she was smart she would definitely stay with you because the type guys in her "field" are not really the..... commitment type I should say? Well not only that but alot of them aren't faithful and are particularly vain. I can see why you are afraid of loosing her. I used to date this guy who was a self employed music producer who produced beats for rap songs. He had his own website and sold his beats to many people (nobody big) and he did go to the studio alot. I was pregnant and was terribly afraid of losing him. Unfortunately he did not succeed and he ended up cheating anyways. Yeah total loser. Booo!Anywho, if this is the type of chick who would be willing to drop you once she becomes famous then she would probably drop you even if she doesn't become famous. If that's the case than you can just consider her as a gold digger. How would you know tho? You can't predict the future. If she is wife material and truly loves you and respects you and treats you good then you should gain some confidence and just be happy for her. I know that it's hard and it's easier said than done. I'm a Paralegal and I make more money than my fiance and I'm about to go to law school and I spend a lot of time networking with attorneys and so forth and my fiance gets pretty jealous. He too thinks that I'm going to leave him for some hotshot attorney. I'm like "are you kidding me?" I would rather have a guy who is serious about me and worried about loosing me than to date a guy who is some rich hotshot. I truly love my man and would never leave him regardless of what I do or how much I make. I suggest talking to her about it but don't let her see that you are insecure about it. Just keep it casual and funny and be like "are you still going to hang with the underdogs once you become famous?" Her response should give you an idea of what her intentions are.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 May 2011):
 It's not job status chicks dig and stay loyal to, it's confidence and composure. Job status is just one measure of those things.
If you get bothered and nervous about her success, she'll lose her attraction to you for being insecure. As an actress, she will very likely run into a lot of very, very confident and outgoing guys - that might be an issue.
The solution is the same for both: irrational self-confidence. Let nothing bother you, because you've convinced yourself you are awesome, and don't need worldly markers of success to be that way. When she gets a good gig, celebrate with her. Let her have the center of attention for her success, but when the attention shifts to you during the celebration, act like her success makes you the big stud before gracefully putting her back in the spotlight (not on a pedestal). It should be as though her success is making her worthy of *you*, not the other way around.
The trick to that is building yourself up without tearing her down. It's not a zero-sum game. She should feel lucky to be around you.
It's not about outshining her, it's about handling everything with natural grace. Add in making her laugh, ambition in your chosen field, and staying in good physical shape (no excuses on that one, get up an hour earlier in the day if you have to).
The attitude takes practice. Start now, ease into it. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (18 May 2011):
This reminds of the phrase if you worry about being poor you might as well be poor.
If your spending so much time thinking about her success then the she might as well be successful, until that moment comes you need to stop worrying! Enjoy what you have and instead show her how great you two are and that no other guy can replace you
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 May 2011):
 You only feel like this because you are scared of losing her. Its not her that you have the problem with it is your own self confidence. You need to believe in yourself more. You think just because she is doing better for herself that she is going to trade you in as well for an upgrade. Thats not how it works, if this woman loves you well then she will be with you no matter how far she gets in life, or how well she does. You need to believe in yourself more and tell yourself that you are worthy of this woman. Just because you are in a office job doesnt mean that you are not worthy. If there are areas in your life that you would like to change well then go for it.
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