A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:[OP original title]Well as the title says im a virgin at 19, never had a girlfriend and never even been kissed and i cant stand it. everywhere i go i see couples and all of my friends have had girlfriends and boyfriends a hundred times over, its almost like a hobby to pretty much everyone except me. My friends and family probably think im gay or something. I hate myself and sometimes, in some really dark moments, ive considered taking my own life. I know thats a monumentally stupid outlook, but there you go. Im so sick and tired of everyone saying "wait for that special one" or "dont worry its bound to happen soon" but it never does. im scared one day i'll be 40 years old and still be in this situation. Im actually seriously considering losing it to an escort at the moment, but off course i cant even do that, because im scared that i'll regret it forever. Its probably my own fault im like this to be honest. I couldnt approach a woman if you held a loaded pistol to my head. Everyone tells me im good looking and funny and part of me feels like i could certainly get somewhere, but then another part of me just says "yeah right, keep dreaming". And that part always wins over me, and keeps me in this situation. Like i say, i hate myself for this. My head all over the place and i need some advice. Thanks.
View related questions:
escort, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I know this is of little consolation but don't stress about it too much. I was a virgin till 24.. and I didn't really care. The only stress there is society and yourself putting it on you. I wouldn't say virginity is extremely special or anything, but it gave me a unique perspective. I didn't wait for "The one" But I waited for someone I cared for, someone I respected and someone I knew wasn't a one night stand. Think of what you has as an opportunity. You have no STDs, no kids, no crazy ex girlfriends.
Relax and enjoy the ride. My personal opinion is not to use an escort. Find a girl who won't mind learning together with you. It can be fun and fulfilling.
If you are having a lot of trouble approaching girls try this: talk to your guy friends and have them introduce you to their lady friends. For FRIENDSHIP. Get comfortable around women and think of them as friends. Only then try to find women to date. It'll be much easier.
Oh, and why are you worried about people thinking you are gay? Just have some more confidence in yourself. Just because you aren't dating anyone doesn't automatically make people think you are gay. If someone asks, just say you aren't and that should be the end of it. Generally (or at least I hope) People get more mature as they age and getting teased lessens as you get older. At least for me it did.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Oh who the hell are these people kidding? I'm **still** a virgin at an age far too great... and it's like a bad ass anchor around my neck. By this age it becomes quite humbling (and personally embarrassing) to have a prospering career, a pretty good social life and still no idea what I'm doing with the ladies. For a years it was OK to live the no-sex bachelor life as there are no emotional attachments, no drama, and no stress in personal relationships. (Shit, it was great for my career too.) However friends grow up, gain responsibilities to their own families and leaving ye-old-single man behind seems only natural. Anyhow, keep trying... Virginity is not worth holding on!
And let me tell you... it's probably going to suck no matter what. At age 25 I finally started getting some action. I found a girl who liked me a lot. We kissed. We planned a rendezvous where I finally got her in to the sac. And I gave it my all... but it quickly became apparent that I was terrible. I had no idea what I was doing, and no sense of timing. I confessed that, yes, I had no idea what I was doing and only had a decade of porn to go by as education. Sadly, in the end we cuddled for a few hours while I repeatedly banged my head on a metaphorical wall inside my head. Though I will not take that moment back because I felt secure in my embarrassment with her, the moment was gone. *sigh*
BTW, admittedly yes, I have had this stupidly paranoid "I must come off as gay" moments because I've had 0 successful romantic relationships in my life. Yet, think about it for a minute -- there are far worse things to be in life than to be perceived as gay.
My advice: Do whatever you think will best serve you. Go for an escort, if you like. There are many regrets in life, but the good news is that we can forgive ourselves along the way for not knowing all the answers.
...............................
A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (8 August 2010):
I can understand your feelings, what with seeing friends and others enjoying themselves with a partner. Of course it doesn't help we live in a society where the media overloads us with sexual imagery. But there is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at 19, it doesn't define us despite whatever peer pressure makes us feel.
I've been there, afraid to talk to girls. But you know what, you just have to put yourself out there and stop listening to the part that says "yeah right, keep dreaming." You can do it.
best
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Be PROUD of been a virgin, and save yourself for love.
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (8 August 2010):
 you seem like a really nice person! dont loose it to just any old person you will regret it hell i did it with the guy i thought i was gonna marry in the end we broke up after 3 years and i regret it! their is no time when its supposed to happen it just will. but dont force it or that will make you worse. my best advice is to befriend some girls perhaps some you think my lead to a relationship and spend time talking to them be their friend, best relationships start with friend ships! and seriously dont take your life it is not worth it you have so much to live for i would give you a hug so here *HUG*. and tell that part of your self to go get stuffed your a nice good looking person women do want you! and when the time is right it will happen! hope this helps sweety keep smilling and dont let the bad days kick you down! all the best aphex xx
...............................
A
female
reader, IrishGal  +, writes (8 August 2010):
First of all stop focusing on the fact that you are a virgin at 19. The only person who would make a big deal about this is you. No other decent girl will care most will actually think its sweet. And it is never going to happen for you if you dont change your outlook. Stop having the oh poor me im so shy outlook and start thinking positive. Rememeber no matter how shy and nervous you are the girl you are approaching is probly feeling the same way. You are the only person who can overcome your shyness. You need to mingle and get to know some girls at the gym or the library or in a club or where ever it is. And when you stop focusing on your virginity you might actually loose it. I would way prefer a guy to approach me and have him be a little nervous than some cocky arse! So get mingling and good luck..!:)
...............................
A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (8 August 2010):
Been there, dude. I'm 30 now and I'm still usually single and dateless, but life gets better all the time.
"I couldn't approach a woman if you held a loaded pistol to my head." You need to embrace the fact that approaching women and getting rejected is a man's job. You probably feel like if you wait long enough, girls will approach you. That's generally not going to happen. So now you need to just work at it however you can. Practicing flirting with girls you know is less terrifying than a cold approach on a stranger.
Do some homework. Go to http://www.theattractionforums.com/ and do some reading. There are also support groups and classes that you can join specifically for learning how to deal with women.
As for losing it to an escort? There's nothing wrong with that. I think the only people who regret losing their virginity are girls who gave it up to players who kicked them to the curb after they were done. I have NEVER heard a man say he regretted giving up his virginity for any reason. I just can't imagine regretting gaining that experience. And it doesn't have to be something you ever tell anyone.
To the 19 year old pretty girl who says there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, um yeah, it's kind of a different situation for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): I may be able to give you some insight as both myself and my boyfriend were in the same boat as you about six months ago. We were both 19, virgins, never had a relationship, I had never been kissed (he had been kissed once), and he's told me he had a lot of the same thoughts that you did - about hatred for self and even ending it all.
Here's the thing - I have never, NEVER regretted that we are each other's first for everything. There is no emotional baggage. No ex-girlfriends or boyfriends. No comparisons to "well, my last one was better." Put plainly, virgins are sexy precisely because they can construct a relationship without the hindrance of a past negative frame of reference. Your friends who date as a hobby - do you really think it has the emotional significance and satisfaction to them that it would probably have to you? You may take longer to fall in love, but that's because it's something that you probably want to last. Fools rush in, as they say.
Now, for a guy to say, "I'm a virgin and that's sexy!" - probably not something you will be putting on a bumper sticker. Your perception is that women will be turned off by your lack of experience. If that is the case, then you are chasing the wrong sort of women. If someone really loves you, they'll be willing to learn with you and your relationship won't be predicated on the physical. It will be real.
Here's my advice - what worked for my boyfriend, anyways. He stopped being so concerned about what others would think of him. He found an activity he was passionate about (academics, in his case) and threw himself into it with confidence and exhuberance. That's one of his sexiest attributes, in my opinion. Girls want confidence, yes, but NOT necessarily confidence in the relational or sexual arena! Guys who pride themselves in the bedroom are really eventually a turn-off to girls because they're full of themselves and always on the prowl for the next best thing. Look for something you are good at or at least enjoy, and become confident about it. Go places where you can advance your skill. Talk about it to other people. By projecting confidence in one area of your life, you'll attract women to your whole person. Furthermore, you'll probably get to go to a lot more events where you can connect with women over things you both enjoy.
The second thing is to be willing to look for women in unconventional places. Virginity isn't a curse - it's a precious commodity, and believe it or not MANY girls are looking for what you have. As a virgin 19 year old girl I didn't want to get with someone who had already ruined a bunch of women. I wanted to be with someone who could go through all the relational stages with me at the same time that I was going through them for the first time. So maybe you won't get the most sexually experienced girl on the block. Maybe you'll find that you connect better with the quieter girl or the one who has also never had a relationship and is nervous about asking out boys. If you chase bitches, you will get a bitch and that is how you will be treated. Too many "nice guys" forget that there are plenty of "nice girls" out there in the same boat - looking for love, not just lust. Bottom line, stop treating sex as if it's the end of the world. Right now hormones are raging and getting laid seems all important, but if you focus on relationship building first then you won't regret it down the road. Sex is not just physical, it leaves emotional ties as well. It isn't something to waste on just anyone.
My final piece of advice is to not treat virginity as a curse. Your first time - with an escort or otherwise - is probably not going to be porn quality. There will be strange fluids and awkward positions and wondering where exactly these odd genitals fit. But this isn't something unique to your very first time - your first time with ANY girl - kissing, sex, or emotional connection - will probably not be your best. Every girl is unique, likes different things, is used (or not used) to different things. So don't think that once you lose your virginity you'll be some sort of sex god and you'll never have to learn new thinsg in bed. The best thing you can do is to wait until you have a commitment to a person (whatever that means for you - some wait a few weeks or months and some until marriage) and know her pretty well - what she likes, what her emotions are like, and so on. Pour the love and care you have for her into what you do. Then you'll be able to observe what she likes and to please her inside the bedroom and outside as well - virgin or not.
...............................
|
