A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where do i start????...ok so im 31 and my partner of 15 years is 41, we have 2 children, and here is the BUT i dont really know if I'm happy any more, we separated about 2 years ago for a year, then got back together when we got back together things were just like they used to be but it didn't take long for him to slip back into his old ways, he seems to have suddenly aged or maybe it's me, I really don't know. I was seriously ill and feel like I've been given another chance of life which I don't want to pass me by, whereas he is happy to come home from work eat and nod off in the chair, no conversation takes place until we say goodnight and go to bed. He never comes to bed with me unless of course I have been out with my girl friends and had a few drinks then he is in bed waiting for me to come home for sex. There is no love felt it's just sex then he turns over and sleeps. I feel used and angry with him and I have had offers of relationships which I have turned down. I can't betray him but is this what my life is going to be for the next 30 odd years? I don't know, I'm so confused, I don't want to upset our children but I don't want to be upset, I've tried talking and he says I'm being stupid... is it me?? or has the age gap suddenly caught up with us and I want more from life??? PLEASE,PLEASE help me
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (29 October 2008):
 I think its time you made an important choice for yourself.I guess that the age difference is something to do with it.For your well being its important to have a partner that you are happy with. Comunication is very important, if he thinks you are just being silly he is not really taking you seriously, which is a lack of respect in a way. I believe for your well being it would be important to have a parter that would be more satisfying. Its also not good for your kids if they see you down because of this, having a partner that makes you happier will also effect your mood in a positive way, which your children will sence. If you find a new partner you probably will be happier in the long run if he is the right one ofcoarse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to thank you for responding to my question,im not sure how things will work out as we have talked before and everything is good for a couple of months then he slips straight back into his own ways and i find myself asking again WHY??why am i still here is it for the children or is it because im just afraid of hurting others for my happiness,i feel like im being selfish wanting happiness for myself How many times do i except him returning to his comfortable ways before i say ENOUGH!!! i just dont know i wish someone could wave magic wand thanks again :)
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A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (29 October 2008):
 Hi there, I agree with Midge that i don't think it's an age thing. I'm just 48 and a male, but i went thru' a period where sleeping after work was a pattern which developed into a bad habit. This was due to stress at work and i came home feeling psycologically exhausted some days which prompted the desire to have a kip. The pitfall of this is that you just don't want to go to sleep at normal bed times.
However, i broke the habit and i have to say that even during this time i didn't neglect my partner or did it ever get in the way of.."activties".
Now i avoid dropping off by keeping busy as soon as i get home and spending quality time with my partner doing things together, even if it's mundane things like cooking, tidying etc..
He really has to discipline himself a bit more, it's what i did and haven't looked back since. Plus it's not fair on you either...he should be nowhere near ready for his pipe and slippers at 41, i'm still playing drums in a rock band in my spare time, so give him a kick up the bum and tell him he's got to be more active both for himself and more importantly you too. Hope it works out for you..Best of luck and kind regards
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (29 October 2008):
 I personally dont think its the age gap at all. My boyfriend is 42 and I am 33 and it works. But it hasnt been easy I have to say. It only works because we have had to try hard because of his work and now mine.
He is out of the country a lot, and when he is home, I am in the same boat as you. We dont live together but he will come to see me and he will sit in the chair, I will try and have a cuddle with him, he falls asleep and then when he wakes us, he expects to have his dinner ready. Somehow I dont think thats fair, do You? I dont think so!
I have made my sentiments well known with him though. I have told him that if he falls asleep, he gets chucked out to go home and sleep. That way he understands the meaning of sleeping on the job. He wants to spend quality time with me, then he has to work for it too. Not just a one way street!
With you, it should be pretty much the same. If he want the sex etc then he has to work for it. He sounds as though he has gotten very comfortable you just being there when he wants you. Perhaps you should advise him that this is not going to continue and that if he doesnt change his ways, its over!
I had to do that with my boyfriend. I am not getting any younger and I too was in a situation where I wasnt sure if I loved him anymore, or if he loved me. But we had to have a really long chat about it, and we both put our cards on the table. That communication is SO important. Tell him how you feel, dont hold back! If you do, you are defeating the object. Make him understand what he will be loosing if he doesnt change his ways!
If this doesnt work, then a seperation is most certainly the only thing that will help apart from some good counselling and most men I know, arent too keen on that!
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