A
female
age
26-29,
*TheAlmightyDuckx
writes:I have had a rocky 8 months to say the least, with my first ever boyfriend and now i'm just wondering has he really changed? I first met my boyfriend when i went back to school after missing a year, i was sent to learning support center, where he happened to be all the time. We never really spoke in there much, untill he started chatting to me on facebook. At the time he had a girlfriend, i didn't know this but the conservation was always kept civil if not mildly flirtasious but nothing ever to extreme. He admitted he liked me, and i said the same, but told him that aslong as he had a girlfriend i would stay clear, he tryed to convince me to cheat with him, and i clearly said no. His gf dumped him after being with him for a week, and then we got together shortly after. For the first 4 months things were great, we had are problems but always got through it, its only when the 5th month came did i start noticing problems. He was round my house almost everyday, his personality and attiude was foul, and i had noticed over the 4 months we had been together he had admitted to me over and over again about different lies he had told me when we first got together. When it came to the sixth month he cheated on me at a party, he kissed another girl when he was drunk, asked her out the next day and then sent her many facebook messages stating he loved her etc whatever. I forgave him moved on, not long after that he became homeless, he turned to drink, drugs, and at one point was pyhiscally violent towards me and hung around with the wrong sort, i couldn't do it anymore. He eventually broke up with me and i was happy. However a week later he wanted me back, i said no many times, i eventually got into a relationship with someone who acted like they cared, who happened to be his cousin (i know it was wrong), however he was in it for one thing, and once he got it he left. A month past and me and my boyfriend got back together, he had changed, and it was amazing, he was like a whole new person, i was scasred of trusting him again but he seemed so different, he kept it up for about 2 months, and i can honestly say in thoughs two months i have never loved him like i did then, things were perfect. However two days ago i found out something that just made me lose trust again, hes always found telling the truth hard, but since we got back together he did it for me, and i keep thinking once i hear something theres nothhing more he has to tell me. We were both honest about what we did when we weren't together, i admitted having sex and being in a relationship with his cousin, and he admitted doing something with one girl, and having sex with another, both when he was drunk and they were both a one time thing, he stopped half way through because he couldn't go through with it, he also admitted flirting with 3 other girls online. I got over it, he found it harder about his cousin, and even now, everyday he brings up or asks a quesiton about his cousin everyday. I found out yesterday after being on his account after he said i could quickly go and look for a message for a friend of his, that infact he had been talking to 8 different girls, to all of them he had said lies about myself and even went as far to say that he had left me for them. And he had done things with another girl he "forgot to mention". It broke my heart to know he had lied again after all we had been through, it took me a while to get over all the stuff he done and to forgive him, and my trust has just dissapeared once again. I brought it up with him and he explained that he just got himself to deep into a lie and thought that if he told me this it would hurt me. He said all the messages he sent to those girls were lies and he never gave up on me ( i will admit when were single, he refused to give up) he said he loved me and only me and said i now know everything, afterwards he deleted his facebook account to show me how much he loved me. I have low self esteem and a bunch of wonderful mental health problems, i have now got it into my head that these other girls are better than me, and i am constantly thinking that theres more and have no idea if i should dare to trust him again, just incase another lie or secret comes out in the next couple of months. Should i beleive and hope this is just a one off, or has he acutally changed at all? I can't deal with being hurt or lied to again, ir will push me over the edge, he ses i know everything now, so i should i take his word for it? Thankyou
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 "i am a person (a rather stupid one at times) Who just can't stop trying to help people, even if they are beyond help"
You're young, you obviously still have the left-over energy to do so, even when depressed and when you should be focusing on getting yourself well. But these people, like your boyfriend, will drain it out of you sooner or later. And you'll reach a point where you are so dried out you can't even bother with people any more... Unless you watch your energy levels and take your own health seriously, you will become drained, and your depression will be worse. I'm balancing on the border of depression, and I need to block "vampires" out... I just don't have the left-over energy. If people aren't bringing good energy into my life, then they can't be in it. Occasionally, if something small happens, I just break down because it is the last drop on the top of so much else. That is a clear sign I've taken on as much as I possibly can... My cup is too full already. I need to make more room in it, create more energy, rather than fill my cup up even more with more troubled people who drain me.
Maybe now, you still have left-over energy and can afford vampires who suck you dry. But sooner or later it wont matter how much you want to help, you wont have the energy left to do it. Your cup will be full of sadness and worry, and no energy left. I also want to help people, but there comes a time when you need to draw the line. You wont be of much help to others if you're drowning yourself.
Like it says on air planes: put on your own mask before you help others. Help yourself before you help others, because you're not much help if you're dead/too depressed to see anyone but yourself.
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (28 October 2012):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the question iAmHereToHelpYou- Sorry only have just seen your post. I have been in your position aswell, I have helped him so many times, and so have my family. We let him live here for a week when he was homeless the first time, we gave him food when he was moving into his new hostel, my mum gave him the odd £1 here and there all the time.When we celebrated his 16th birthday with him, I used to sort out all his problems, i even when we had broken up stood up to a huge body building 6ft1 black guy when he was going to beat the crap out of him. I got that guy to walk away, otherwise my boyfriend would of been toast, I tried to make his friends forgive him, i spent countless hours talking to his wonderful mother to try and get her to just help him, and after all of that i do feel abused and i do feel like its all been thrown back in my face again. You see, this is going to sound crazy, but i do love him, simply because i have grown up being discrimanated, and told i won't be able to do this, and i won't amount to anything, but when he's around, these people leave me alone, he makes me feel like i'm a real person who someone acutally appreciates. When we broke up and i went back to school after the holidays, everyone laughed at me, pointed at me and sniggered at me , because of rumours, as soon as he was back in the picture all these people left me alone. I live in a very small town, and i'm just a walking target, and when i was single, i had a lot of people who wanted to laugh at me, and a lot of boys who wanted to take advantage and when i said no, they cut me off, or made out all sorts of different things. I wrote what i hated in my column when i was single for that month, and you're right, i wrote them because he had been most of those things at one point in his life. I am a big big big believer (might be naive) that people can change, and he did change, and he did keep it up, and for him, changing even for just a week is amazing. He even after i found out this secret, lay down in the middle of a walk way at about 9 at night in the rain just crying and begging for me not to leave him, and i just had to think for a second, if that was me would he walk away, after this, and no he wouldn't he would pick me up and march me all the way home untill i was safe. Its just sometimes things like that make me feel like i can live with some of the bad parts about him we were talking about this earlier, and he said " you always bring up my bad parts, what about my good parts? do i have any of them?" That did make me stop and think. I spoke to my mum about this, her information is top notch, she said to me that this was all a little bit silly, she said that we both have more important things to worry about at the moment instead of just focusing on things that happened in the past, she said if i can't let it go, and if he can't let it go, and if neither of us can put up with eachothers ways then we can't be together, i don't normally listen to advice from anybody, but this time my ears are pinned back. Over the next few weeks i will see what happens, i will see how he decides to act and i will see how on earth he thinks hes going to be able to make up for this one, but i do need to let go of the past, i'll admit that, however so does he. Over the next few days or weeks i'm going to be doing some serious thinking, as to whether i can carry on with this, i'll be thinking deep down, on whether everything else he has changeed is enough to makeup for the one thing he fell back on. Its his last chance and the next few days or weeks will just show what happens. Thankyou so much for your advice, its helped alot, its really opened my eyes to how things really are, even if deep down, i might not want to admit it. Oh and are you sure we don't know each other? I know a girl whos just got into a relationship and has had a tendency of lying about being pregnant and lying about her parents deaths mutiple times... Chigirl- I am sorry to hear about your family and there issues. I will speak from experience as one with depression, its horrible, when it gets bad with myself, i have no concept of empathy, compassion, infact i feel as if i don't have a care in the world for anyone, not a single person. Its all about having mind over matter, which is what now my therpaist and counseller are trying to teach me, and i'm trying to grasp it. Even though my whole body and mood might be telling me, that today is the worst day ever, and frankly everyone can go ^^k themselves, i must stop and listen to my brain and realize today my mood is just blocking things out, and making them feel worse than they acutally are. Its a hard thing to fight, and due to the syndrome i have theres a high possiblitie, i will be depressed on and off throughout my entire life. Its hard to come to terms with. I like you have a father who i could trust as far as i throw him, he hasn't been in my life since i was 3, and i've contacted him on and off over the years, and he just spews the same BS. I also understand the link you are making with your family members and my boyfriend. However i will say, i am a person (a rather stupid one at times) Who just can't stop trying to help people, even if they are beyond help. Its more of a curse with myself, as in all honesty, once you help certain people once they take and take again until you have nothing else to give. But things aren't going to be like that anymore, i'm not going to help if people don't return the favour, or if they don't want to bother with me afterwards. Most people these days enjoy taking advantage. I spoke to my mum about this as she always gives good advice she said to me that this was all a little bit silly, she said that we both have more important things to worry about at the moment instead of just focusing on things that happened in the past, she said if i can't let it go, and if he can't let it go, and if neither of us can put up with eachothers ways then we can't be together. I agree with what she says and what everyone else does, she as she lives with me and my boyfriend knows what we are like, so i guess i am going to stop pushing away help for once and acutally listen to it this time. I'm going to do some serious thinking over the next couple of days or weeks, and i am going to just think if the parts he has changed so far are enough to make up for this slip up, i'm just gonna think and talk it through to see if he is going to be like this forever, i'm going to stop and try to just see if most importantly i can deal with another revelation, as if this time, i think i'll crumble as soon as i here something else, then he has got to go, as you said i need to look after myself, i can't risk myself to be pushed over the edge by someone. So thankyou for your feedback, i will think everything over in the next few days, and just either find a way i can cope without him, or find a way we can both cope with each other, and also formulate a plan if this ever happens again, with him or anyone else (one thing my therapist said i needed to work on, was taking dissapointment alot better.) Thankyou xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 October 2012):
I hope you understand that your mother and sister, even just strangers online, we're saying this because we want to help you out. Back you up. So maybe think about people who support you, if you feel you have no resources to do what you know is right. Know that you have people who support you and your actions.
As for his Aspergers.. if he can't help it then he can't be in a relationship. Really. If someone isn't capable of taking care of another human, or treating them right, then they have no business entering relationships. And you do not have any obligation to ignore these things he says he "can't control" just because he's saying he can't help it. Words still hurt, actions still hurt, even if he couldn't help himself. It doesn't make the pain any less.
My brother suffers from depression, and when depressed has no compassion for others. No empathy, he's absorbed in his own world and doesn't get it when he lets others down. It still hurts. And, this also means that while I don't demand apologies from him for the times he crossed the line, I instead stop giving him chances to let me down. I don't rely on him for support, I don't need him in my life, or include him in my life, like maybe I could have had he been well.
My father, well, that's a bigger issue. He can not be trusted at all, he can not be relied on at all. He's been diagnosed with Aspergers, or at least I think so. He's so closed up about what he says or doesn't say, so I really have no idea what is true and what isn't. But the thing is, he's more like just a biological dad, than a real father-figure in my life. I've cut him down to the bare minimum of contact. My brother has cut him out completely. Even if my dad says he can't help it, words still hurt, action still hurts. And we need to protect ourselves. We aren't super human, even if he's sick and can't help himself, we aren't super humans who automatically don't get hurt, just because he is sick and can't help it. My dad is bipolar as well though, just to add that in there. When I have a bad day I can't call my dad and tell him about it. My dad isn't there for me when I need him. I can't ask him to help me out with things, he can't cope with it. He lacks empathy, he's probably got a depression too. That's what my brother thinks anyway, as he sees the same symptoms in dad that he has himself.
Anyway, my point is: even if they are sick and can't help it, doesn't mean we just sit and take it. It doesn't mean you, or I, magically grow super powers capable of taking all sorts of shit or crap. If people aren't fit to be parents, then they can't be expected to be parents, nor can they be relied on as parents. My dad is just a person I have in my life because he is biologically my dad. Other than that, he's not a dad, he barely knows what goes on in my life. It's a complicated relationship. But same goes for your boyfriend, if he can't act it then he can't be it either. If he can't be a good boyfriend to you, then he can't be a boyfriend to you. Sick or healthy, bottom line is that if he can't treat you like you need to be treated then he can't be in a relationsip with you.
My dad can't help much of who he is, he says. However I think he can, there are medications he could take, he could enter therapy but refuses. My dad is a lost cause when it comes to these things. But the result is that his children have cut him out of their lives and don't want to talk to him. Even if he can't help his mentall illnesses. I'm the only one of my siblings who have regular contact with him, and I keep him at arms lenght. I don't let him into my life, I can't.
You need to take better care of yourself and not accept poor treatment just because your boyfriend is mentally ill. Remove him from your life if you have to, but you got to put your own health and your own life before his. He's not family, after all, but even if he was the advice would be the same: if he can't treat you right then you need to remove him from your life.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (28 October 2012):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares- I will take everything you have said into concideration, thankyou for your advice, and i will make sure to update this situation in the future.And i will admit his mental health problem, will no longer be taken as an excuse, as i can't use mine as a reason for what i do or what comes out of my mouth. I don't have to be with him if i do not want to, and i won't stand by someone who cannot admit when he has done something wrong. So thankyou, i will make sure if anything like this happens again, i will steer clear. Chigirl- When i was writing the reply to this question i won't deny, i was thinking to myself "god it sounds like i'm taking the blame" But i did just ignore that part. I understand he can't use the Aspergus as an excuse, but in the past when i have said that to him, hes replied with something along the lines of "i can't help it". It's pretty useless getting through to him once he makes a mistake. If you want me to be honest, once i think about it a little, i do see that every mistake he has made, i have in some way or another blamed it upon myself, its not however always him who blames it on me, sometimes i just some how manage to get to the conclusion that surely there must be something wrong with me, if he was to do something like that? However i normally get through thoughts in my darkerst times, and just continue thinking them as i go on, its stupid now i think about it. I've always seen myself as strong and independent, however reading back on some of the stuff i wrote it seems almost like i like to lie down and get kicked in the face, and afterwards i get up and say oh that was my fault i'm sorry.You're not the only person who has told me that he can manupilate me or he can't take responsiblity for what he does, my mum and bestfriend has told me many times, but until a complete stranger has said it, i never could really see it. From now on, i'm going to change the way i think, last time i felt trapped when i was with him, i wanted to leave him but didn't have the means to do so, he knew this, and knew he could take advantage and i'd still stand there and say everything was fine. He knows now, that it won't happen this time, he knows that after this, hes gone, he won't be coming back. I guess i need to listen to my gut a bit more, and not think its all in my head when hes acutally being out of order to me, i need to also do what i say and carry it out, when i say i will. Thankyou for your, feedback, this is and i honestly mean it, his very last chance, he ruins this and i will have to let him go, and you right, i'm going to stop being such a "submissive female" and once he does something wrong, he will know about it! I'm not going to sit here and take the blame for it, as even though my self esteem levles are just too low. This is one thing after everything, that i don't deserve. Thankyou so much.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 October 2012):
Don't fall into the classical women trap: we give to our man because we think that's what we should be doing, while he never gives. You are full of excuses for this man. Classic submissive female behaviour: we excuse the man for all his crimes, we even go so far as to take the blame on ourselves. While the man, in these relationship, tend to be nothing but an egocentric, selfish user.
You need to be tough. There comes a point where you wake up and realize you shoulsn't have every accepted any crap in the first place, you should have put your foot down on the first occasion, and you should have kicked him to the curb. You haven't. I don't either, I fall into the trap just like most women I know.
You did read my article about being taken advantage of financially? My ex boyfriend couldn't pay rent, and I started paying for him. This was a huge expense, but the only other option was to kick him out. And that seemed like too big of a reaction... But it wasn't. I should have kicked him out.
I have a friend whos boyfriend insited on buying a car. He couldn't buy it alone, so he got her to buy it with him. Very expencive car. Then he used his money on buying things for himself, expencive equipment for hobbies, a new flat screen tv, smart phones, you name it. Then when the bills came for the car, my friend was stuck with the bills, she had to pay them all, because her boyfriend never had any money. She should have insited they sell the car. But noo... classic women trap: she ended up paying for the car. But the car is still in his name...
Me and my friend, we're no better than you. But we've already been in the sucker trap where we give and are being used. So... don't go there if you can avoid it. Don't sit there and excuse the man who refuses to take responsibility for his actions, don't cover up for his mistakes, and don't be an ENABLER. Don't make it so easy for men to take advantage of you. If they can't take responsibility for themselves then you SHOULDN'T take responsibilit for them. Ever. Even if that means being tough and kicking them out to live on the street.
You are not his mother, you are not bound to love him unconditionally, you are not bound to be there for him no matter what shit he pulls on you.
With my ex: I should have kicked him out, and moved out myself too because the flat was too expensive for me to pay for alone. That put a huge dent in my economy. My friend: she should have just sold the car, even if that meant her relationship would be sour because of it. He couldn't take responsibility, so why should she carry the burden of HIS decison to get a car?
As for you: if your boyfriend was physically violent towards you it doesn't freaking matter what you did or didn't. He is responsible for HIS actions. You are not responsible for them. If he cheats, then he is STILL responsible for HIS actions. You didn't drive him to it. That was all on him. When he lies.. it is still on him. His responsibility, not yours.
No matter what state he is in, if you need to leave him you leave him. It is not your responsibility to make sure he's doing okay, or to take care of him. He screwed this up himself, but so far.. he's not had to take any responsibility for absolutely anything. Oh cry me a river, he lies because he's had a sad life? So what. I bet I had a tougher time growing up than he ever did, and yet I don't sink so low that I lie to people. Excuses, excuses.
Once a liar, always a liar. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And you don't deserve that. And no matter why he did it, excuses are only excuses. You need to start holding him responsible for his actions, because after all he does have a brain. The man is capable of thinking. He knows right from wrong, he's not retarded. He is capable of knowing when he is telling lies and when he is being honest, he's not delusional.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 Ok then, Almighty Duck, it's a deal,- give him another chance ( you are going to anyway, with or without the Aunts's blessing, LOL ), but... at the first slip up he is history. Sounds fair :).
Still careful, though. Proceed with caution, think what you are doing every step of the way.
- the way you describe the physical violence reassures me- to a point. It was no intentional aggression, Ok, it was just a playfight gone out of hand. But if you both have such a hyper-reactivity to external pressures , and such a poor impulse control- you should know better. You can't playfight and horse around as other kids would do. Play chess in future :)
- it's not the boy's fault if he has Asperger's- but neither is yours, and you should think of what's good for you FIRST: he's got his own issues, you've got your own isues- maybe, in fact probably , you are a mismatch. There's no shame in having mental health issues ( heck I bet half the world does ,what with depression, anxiety , OCD etc.etc. ) but, at least in theory, each of you would need instead a balanced, self confident and emotionally
mature partner ( supposing that there is such a pearl of a teenager :) .
- remember that he is , more than a boyfriend, a void-filler. You got so attached ALSO ( but perhaps only ? ) because he was the FIRST to give you that kind of attention and validation you were craving for , having been bullied, felt ugly and " wrong " etc. all your life.
You needed him to feel good about yourself, but tbh I think that if, before him, you had been approached by a horned devil with pitchfork and hooves ,... you'd be in love with the horned devil, by now.
- I just realized that you are 15 and no, sorry, you are also legally underage, you should not be having sex. I understand that you are not promiscuous and you only get intimate when you have feelings etc., ... but that's not the point . The point is that sex is an adult activity for people who can handle it . You could be sleeping with 30 guys just for fun, keeping your self esteem, mental awareness and emotional peace of mind, and I ( not being " mainstream " religious myself ) would find nothing wrong with that. But if sex has to be something that drives you nuts and makes you suffer, because you are not equipped yet to handle your sex life, then no, you are too young... no matter what's your chronological age.
Said that... good luck , be well, and ... keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (28 October 2012):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou Wish - He will be 17 in June. I personally don't agree with what you say, i know people with mental health problems find things such as relationships hard, but it doesn't necessarily mean i shouldn't have one, he more than anyone knows about my past, and he knows the ins and outs about my mental health disorder. The pysical violence thing was a different matter, its hard to explain, basically at the time, it was a playfight that got out of hand, he had a lot of anger and tension in him from recently being made homeless (for the first time), his wonderful perv of a friend egged us on to have a playfight, it got out of hand and we were both very violent towards eachother. I only was able to forgive him as it was a spur of a moment thing, i understand at the time things were hard for him etc, not to mention i was just as violent as he was, so therefore i saw it fair we both left it in the past, if he did it on a regular basis i would of stayed clear. Thankyou for your feedback. iAmHereToHelpYou- I will admit, when he first said that to me alarm bells started to ring straight away, but you see at the time, i had never had a boy interested in me before him, so i just saw it as normal and i thought as long as i said no it would be fine. I've had many conversations over the last 8 months about that line, and about all the stuff he said to me before we were acutally together. He tells lies because in reality his life is actually rather sad, he was bullied for much of his life due to having aspergers, he lived in a home where his father would constantly beat him, and his mother just doesn't care. He did say a lot of lies at the beginging to make his life seem more interesting and happy than it acutally was. Thankyou xxjanniepeg- I agree with you entirely, i will say he has changed, hes changed everything you see, his intire personality, the way he treats me, speaks to me, hes even changed what kind of clothes he wears, he doesn't drink anymore, drugs for him was a bad expereince he never wants to go back to again (hes only done them once), but this is the one thing thats happened in the last 2 months that has really spoiled it to say the least. I will mention now he has Aspergus syndrome, which could maybe effect why he finds telling the truth hard (i don't know). Since i posted this question i've spoken in depth to him about all of this, he stated to me that he knew it would hurt me either way, but once he got himself too deep into it by only saying there was 2 he just couldn't get the words out of his mouth that there was acutally 3. (due to my mental health problem i will admit i do take things like this very very badly). The reason hes homeless is because hes had an abusive father all his life, and now his mother had choosen his father over him, so he got kicked out (his parents have always been nasty peices of work). I do constantly think when will the next secret be, or i think how long will you keep all this up, however he has changed its just this one thing that hasn't. I've made it rather clear to him after today, that if theres any more signs of his old self, or anymore lies, or secrets that come our or i find out (everyone seems to tell me every -.- ) then its over forever, i have no got to the point where i have told myself, if i feel this relationship is wieghing me down, then it isn't a relationship is it, its a duty that i should not have to stand by and that won't happen again. I am having therapy and counselling, he has had bad expierence in the past with therapy and counselers so he really does not want to go. I will also admit, with his cousin, i was happy with him, i liked him and i had feelings for him (im really not the kind of person who sleeps around him and my current boyfriend are the only people who i've ever done anything with, and that was because i felt for them) but even when me and his cousin were together, i wanted to go back to my current boyfriend so i guess it wasn't because i couldn't find someone else i liked for him however i do remain skeptical. I do agree that now he always has to have someone anyone, just because he has a fear of being alone, its not the fact with him he just wants a quick this and that, its the fact he has a compulsive need for somebody to love him, as he does due to his current situation have no one, and it was like that back then. When he cheated on me, it took so long to acutally get to the root of why he did it, but it was a matter of fact that my mental health problem had really just messed are relationship up (its better now however) i have an depressive anxiety disorder, which causes me to become constantly paranoid, i never wanted him going out, going near girls, i always checked his accounts and i will admit i was controlling, but what he did was wrong, i did also used to threaten him alot of the time with us breaking up (because back then i wanted to but didn't have to hurt to be on my own again) and because of that he thought i was going to dump him anyday, they were the reasons as to why he cheated, he told me a day later about the inncident because he couldn't handle the guilt. Thankyou for your feedback. xxCindyCares- aha i am norminally very levle headed! Just shows as soon as it comes to your own problems you have no advice to give to yourself ;) I understand that its my life, and i must like you said be aware of who to trust and who not to, as my state of mind is sometimes poor to say the least, however due to it happening before, i beleive if it happens again, i can be the strong indepentent young women i am and cope with it, and not let it get to me, if it happens then well he was a waste of time, and only time and this one last chance is going to let me find that out. The physical violence thing is a very diffucult matter to get both mine and his heads around. As i said above, his perv of a bestfriend decided (when we were both very ill) to egg us on to have a playfight, it got out of hand, badly, i won't deney i was violent too, i hurt him as much as he did me, We both did get lost in the moment and anger of everything going on around us and took it out on eachother. That was the reason i forgave him, because it was me aswell, and it wasn't a delibrate attack (and beleive you me, he ever does something like that again, and i will take every legal step i know, he knows that aswell, me and my family assured him it) That line you said however means alot, i am not religous, however i've very spirtual and have my own morals and meanings to life, and that one means alot. The thing is he has changed, more than i ever thought he was capable of, he changed everything, personality, the way he speaks to me, his clothes, his attitude towards life everything for me. I appreciate that so much, this is the only slip up we had, and you see even when i was about to find out, i told him that if he loved me he would tell me what he did, and the difference between back then and now, was back then he would of let me find out myself, he wouldn't of had the decentcy to of been able to say it, but this time even though it took a couple of minutes he told me before i found out for myself. Thats just one way in which i see he has changed, the drugs, he took them once when he was homeless for the first time, he hated the expierence and never wants to do them again. Alcohol, hes given up completely, hasn't touched a drop since we have been back together. And being homeless, isn't his fault, he has lived with a violent father all his life, and was kicked out due to his mother bringing his father back in the house and choosing him over her own son. So yeah he has changed, this has been the only slip up, and even though his circumstances have changed such as being homeless, he still treats me brilliantly now, such as he spent 4 hours earning money today (hes a magician) in town and spent half of it on me even though he acutally hasn't got any, its little things like that, that prove to me his changed, its just this thing. He does have aspergus however, i know he finds it hard verbilizing feelings, maybe that contributes to it. But thankyou Cindy, that line has really opened my eyes up to things, but if i ever come to a point where i feel hes reverting back to his old ways, and i've already said, if he keeps anymore secrets from me, tells anymore lies, or if i see a glipse of the old nasty boyfriend who i used to be afraid to disagree with, or used to sit at home panicing about while he was out having a good time, then its over. And i know i may seem a sucker for love, but i do mean, and i will tell it to myself, it will be OVER. And Cindy? One favour i would like you to do, if you see another question like this in the future from myself, saying something similar such as he has hurt me, or he has gone back to his old self, and lied again, then remind me of what i said, so i am certain that there are no more chances after this one. Lets hope this was just a little slip up in a long journey to come :) Thankyou for your feedback xx
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Are you really 13-15?? You are too young for sex now. If you have mental issues that you need to work out, the last thing you need is a relationship with ANYONE.
Besides that, he's a liar, cheater, toxic, and he will take you and throw you into the toilet. This is the opposite of mental health.
I'd tell you to get away from him, but truly, I'm afraid you're going to waste your life yo-yoing back and forth with him until you get pregnant and he bolts.
He hit you. That should disqualify him from your very existence forever. Dump him forever.
You are too young! 13-15? How old is this guy? If he's over 18, it's statutory rape.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 October 2012):
Should I take his word for it ?
Obviously not, and, frankly, dear Almighty Duck, let me say that I am surprised by your question. I remember you as an exceptionally level-headed , perceptive, sensible very young Aunt on this site , and I have a fair idea of what you possibly would answer to a poster asking you this question.
Alas, when Cupid's arrows hit, even the best Aunts lose their compass:).
So.... one step back. Liar or no liar, you should not be back with this guy to begin with :
1 ) cheater, homeless, drunk, drugs ( your age I imagin ? what a promising young gentleman ). Ok, you forgive him, fine,your call. But....at one point he was physically violent toward you ?? No, you CAN'T forgive that. That should have been a dealbreaker, no ifs or buts. You owe yourself at least that much, or that little, of self respect- and you owe it to all the other women that he'll merrily go around abusing after you ,because you'll have thought him that's no big deal, he can physically abuse a woman and there are no consequences, she'll sulk and make a fuss but , eventually , she'll get over it, so no big deal.
2 ) you are aware of your mental issues, of your struggles, of your vulnerability, you know that the wrong kind of person, right now, can set you back several steps in your healing, and push you over the edge, .... and you want to risk on such an unsafe bet of a guy ?.. Look, ultimately it's only up to you to protect yourself, and to make sure that your particular emotional fragility is not trodeen upon . If you don't take care of yourself, if you do not treat yourself with caution and wisom and compassion like the precious, exquisite collector item that you are...it's not some selfish young brat's fault if then you end up in shards.
Plus, funnily enough, today I am just back from a lecture about atonement. Of course it was not a lecture about teen boyfriends, it was something about how different religions see the concepts of sin, repentance, atonement etc... anyway,at the end of the day, most cultures agree upon this :
there is no repentance without CHANGE, and viceversa- there is no change without repentance.
In your case , he staid on his best behaviour for two short months, then he relapsed again, - no change. Just a small hiatus. And since he has not changed , it is very dubious that he is actually regretting his misdeeds.
Self esteem is something that you can cultivate, and one of the way to cultivate is learning to make hard choices. Choices that take you away from you some instant gratification, in favour of asserting your right to health( physical, mental and emotional ) and happiness in the long run.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 He says things to you and other girls when it suits him at the moment. I would not expect him to change all of a sudden. I would wonder for how long he could keep up being sober, honest and faithful. Your trust has disappeared and you will always prepare for the next awful truth. For the first four months you thought things were great but it wasn't. He still felt that you were not enough. You took each other back just because neither of you had found what you wanted in other people. It's not that the other girls are better than you. He constantly needs attention from girls, to the point of cheating and not caring about your feelings. Oh, witholding information is not preventing you from getting hurt. It's just delaying the hurt. He is not just having problems with women, but with family too, otherwise he wouldn't be homeless. Recovering from all the instability can not happen overnight. It sounds like both of you can benefit from therapy and counselling, individually. Just getting back together in a relationship won't fix problems. He has to get to the root of why he doesn't feel content with just one person.
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