A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:what's the best way to approach money issues in a relationship in a sensitive way? my bf and i have been together 2 years, he proposed a few months ago to my surprise and we're now buying a house. we live separately right now. i rent a flat so am in a position to move right away. i'm happy where i live, but feel i should get a house with him to move forwards in our relationship. he's pressured me to move in with him for about a year, but i resisted as i didn't feel ready, but i guess i do now. he owns his flat, earns less than me and has no savings to spare until the sale of his flat goes through. so, i'm buying the house we found together, but he'll be a joint owner once he sells his place. this is ok. problem is, he said we'd share legal costs but hasn't paid a penny. i've paid £1600 and have asked him to contribute. he said he could afford to give me £200 but hasn't. i asked again last week and he still hasn't done anything. i'm upset as one of the reasons i held off moving in together was that i didn't want our relationship to lose the fun and be more about talking money/bills/chores. also, he is the one pushing for us to live together. the location of the house suits him (20min walk to work) than me(1.5 hour drive to work). and paying even half the mortgage and bills will increase my monthly outgoings but reduce his. he tells me we can only progress in our relationship by making the leap to live together and to make a home our own together. i'm going to take legal advice to draw up a contract to ensure he pays half the mortgage and bills when we do move into this house. but right now, i guess i just need advice on how to approach him to get the money he said he'll give me, and how to ensure resentment about this doesn't take the fun from our relationship. thanks :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): "he tells me we can only progress in our relationship by making the leap to live together and to make a home our own together".
It doesn't sound like he's 100% on board with getting married to you. It sounds like his goal is to live together and has been. How did he save for an engagement ring? What about your dream wedding? Do you have a date set? Something tells me if you move in together, making you his wife will be put on the backburner indefinitely.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Rent together first before you buy!!! First, this home would be WAYYYY too far from your work, 1.5 hours each way is way too far. What type of lifestyle will you have spending so much time driving back and forth with work. Believe me, I've done it, it gets old FAST. You make every excuse in the book about why its ok - I'm a home owner, I'll save money, it's no big deal I can listen to Spanish on audio in the car; but when it comes down to it - it is exhaustive and SO NOT WORTH IT!Second you two need to test living together first before buying anything and making it permanent. There are already some money issues going on - rent first and see if your compatible living together. If you're to buy a place - do it in only your name and closer to YOUR work. Why? What if you realize he's not the guy for you, what if finances become a serious issue and you realize you can't live with him forever? You need to protect yourself while your testing how it is to live with him. Either rent together or buy the home only in your name and have him contribute with rent/etc (see how financially responsible he is, whether he can afford it and whether you two work well living together). You need to be a smart girl here, don't get carried away with your emotions and don't get guilted/made to feel bad over being responsible.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 I might be way off the mark but there are some similarities with this post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-im-being-pressured-to-move-in.html
I wonder if you're the same person? Sorry if not! But if you are, have you sorted out the trust issues?
Regardless, I don't feel comfortable with this big move that is going to mean you lose out on money and time (all that commuting will be exhausting). I don't see this as the best way to take the relationship forward. Can't you both rent somewhere neutral that's convenient for both of you to get to work? Whose idea was it to buy this particular house?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Put it in writing, Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,Put it in writing,....
Is this clear enough????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): person12345 hit the nail on the head in all three points. I just want to add it's very easy to see who's the boss here. You're bending over backwards to accommodate his lofty dreams and desires when he has no practical way of making these things happen himself. Not only that OP but you're actually bending over and taking it up the ass in the sense of really putting yourself logicically, financially and in terms of principles to give him what he wants. Everything is on his terms, he's paying nothing yet he gets a more convenient place to live than you do. Where are your interests being met here?
Forgive me OP but you're a grade A sucker. You're in a relationship with a dreamer, while there's nothing necessarily wrong with that you cannot let your life be dictated by what he thinks would be "perfect" because he doesn't have the practical tools necessary to make it work. You're going to get burned badly by this whole thing.
I have a friend who is the exact same, he's married now with a kid and it works for him because his wife is practical, she doesn't bow down to his lofty ambitions, she keeps him grounded and she won't go ahead and do anything until he has the means to contribute. He's a good guy OP, really nice guy but he's useless with money, has no ambition and if she didn't keep him on a bit of a leash they'd be in mountains of debt and their relationship wouldn't have lasted.
OP the truth og the matter here is moving in together is not practical at the moment, he talks the talk but he's a dreamer OP. You can't build a financial future based on the idea that he will but he can't right now. He's not the kind of person who knows how to make things happen. He's wanted this for a while but what has he done to make ti happen? Nothing except try to talk you into putting all your money into something that only really benefits him.
If you think you'll last even 2 months of 3 hours commuting a day coming home to a guy who is relaxed and wanting sex while you're shattered tired and broke because all your money is tied up in a house he only has promised to pay for in the future then you're in for a huge shock.
You need a dry run or you need to keep the house in your name only. I personally think you're making the biggest mistake of your life. The housing market is a shambles and is only going to get worse in the near future, we're looking at the next decade before things start to improve and you're talking about tying all your money up in a house you will probably sell at a loss if you can sell at all without even having lived with this guy.
OP he sounds like he may be a chore to live with. I'd move into his flat for while if there's room. Maybe spend 6 months there sharing costs. That way he'll be able to save money and you'll also get a taste of what it's like living with him.
OP as person12345 stated signing a contract is not going to ensure your money isn't lost, if he hasn't got it to pay you then the cost in legal fees alone means you're going to lose all your savings and probably have a house that's worth almost nothing to you. It may take forever for him to sell his place too.
OP the reasoning behind your decision here is all wrong. you want to move forward in your relationship yet it's only with the logistics to do so, a wsie woman will wait until he's ready and can afford to because at the ened of the day you don't even know what living together is like, and having such a big thing hanging over you while doing so is a recipe for major conflict.
Do a dry run in his apartment, let him build up enough cash to put his money where his mouth is and pay his way from the beginning. 6 months or so living together while he saves up to be able to go into this as an equal would be very wise.
Besides 2 years isn't long at all to make such a huge commitment. Buying a house together is as big a deal as marriage OP and in fact marriage is a lot easier to get out of than sharing a house should it not work out.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 October 2012):
 It sounds like a really REALLY bad idea for you to buy a house together. First off, you've never lived together before. That alone is reason enough. You two need to test whether living together works well before you legally bind yourselves to each other so significantly. You should be renting right now, not buying.
Second off, this is not a convenient place to live for you and that commute is going to jeopardize your relationship. For a few months while I waited for a lease to end I had a commute that long and it was horrendous. I fought with my boyfriend all the time, was tired, had no free time, and it made me despise my job. 1.5 hours means 3 hours a day, 15 hours a week you have to spend commuting.
Third off, you haven't even encountered the substantial part of the cost and he's already trying to shove all the costs on you. It sounds like he's been pressuring you to buy a house with him so he can use you financially. He has no savings, so he's using yours. You said yourself his living expenses would decrease from this, and he'd get to move closer to work. Meanwhile, he hasn't contributed a single penny and is putting you in a highly awkward position to plead with him for money.
I think this is a HUGE mistake to buy a house with this man. He sounds irresponsible and like he's using you to solve his financial problems. Not your whole relationship necessarily, but this whole "if you loved me you'd spend all your savings on me" thing is not ok. Keep your savings, don't waste them. I guarantee you if you buy a house with him you are going to wind up in a messy legal battle to try to get your fair share back when you break up over money.
If everything else is fine and you want to try living with him, that's fine, but get a lease. Don't buy something with him. He has not shown that he can responsibly handle it.
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