A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a bit older than me, we've been together for about 18months. I have a son from a previous relationship who is 5 years old, he idolizes my bf and I thought the feeling was mutual until just recently.We have been having a lot of problems recently,he can't decide whether or not he wants to be in a relationship or not and has dumped me four times in the last month. I leave him alone and then a couple of days later he is calling and coming over saying he doesn't want to lose me etc. Now this latest argument has arisen over my past...my son's father is British Asian and my bf has seemingly never had a problem with this (although he does have a problem with the fact I have slept with other people before him!) but he discovered an old photo of me taken with a Palestinian scarf wrapped round my head, this was taken by my brother as a joke and doesn't represent any religious or political views of mine. Now he has dumped me saying I want to be 'one of them' and he can't bear to look at me. Now I'm left wondering, was this always a problem? Has he always felt disgusted by my past and my son's ethnic origin? Or is it just an excuse to dump me?I feel so lost as I fell out with all my family because of our relationship, they don't want to know me and I feel like he has isolated me from everyone and doesn't want me anymore... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Savannahbronx  +, writes (8 December 2010):
I dnt want to sound rude but the guy sounds like a jerk and hes tryin to find a reason to not be settled down. Ur son comes first and the bf should not matter. For me that would hve been the last straw. My door would not open for him ne mre
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Thanks OP. I hope it all works out for you, especially seem as you seem like such a good person
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): To the OP of the question, what a lovely, sweet follow-up you have posted for us. You sound so nice and sensible, and knowing we have helped you is so touching. I really, really hope you find happiness for you and your little boy. You so deserve it.
I hope Christmas is bright and happy one for you!
Take care,
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (8 December 2010):
My hunch is his problem is not with the race so much - its that you son is a constant reminder you had sex with another man. That you say he has problems with your sexual past supports this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. I knew what I had to do. I just needed someone to talk it over with, and as I don't really have anyone in my life at the moment, I posted on here. You all will never know how much help you have been to me today.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): What a weird guy. If he has had a weird racially/religously motivated outburst then I would be worries that he a) is a racist b) doesn't talk about stuff but let's it boil up
Don't let him you with you anymore, if you cant do it for yourself then do it for your son so he can have a good step dad
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I think you have had some good advice about this man already. I agree with the others that you should stop taking him back. By always being there you are at risk of being his doormat to walk over when he feels like. If you don't have the personal strength to resist him on your own, think about your child. Would you be happy if they grew up thinking this was a normal adult relationship? They might end up settling for less than they deserve in their future adult relationships just because their mother did. It doesn't matter if this man is making up silly excuses about why he wants to leave. What matters is that you are both unhappy together and need to separate. By staying with him you stop yourself going out and finding someone who treats you better. You are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you so make better relationship choices for the happiness of your family.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I think you find a much nicer man than this. He's cruel and he's looking for excuses to drop you.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (8 December 2010):
 You know, he sounds extremely immature. Four times in the last month? That's once a week. Why do you keep taking him back?
Stop taking him back. IF he can't accept your past and your son, especially your son (regardless of his ethnicity) then leave him permanently and find someone who will. Trust me, there is someone out there is will be more than happy to accept your son and you and not put you through this ridiculous chirade of selfishness and immaturity.
It sounds like he is making excuses to dump you. Because you want to be "one of them?" really? How old is this guy? Seriously?
Don't take him back. He has already lost you. Don't be confused. He is a jackass. Don't take him back and move on, don't put your son through this and make him question if it's okay for him to be himself. There is nothing wrong with your son's ethnic background or the fact that you have slept with other people before him (welcome to the 21st century) and he needs to get over it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I think he is making up dumb excuses. Stop taking him back, please. For your own same and for the sake of your son.
He seems immature and slightly ridiculous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): To the original poster, sorry, I've read my reply back, and of course you didn't mention if your child was a 'son or daughter' so apologies, equally 10 months came up when I knew it was 18 months in your question. I really should re-check my replies. Sorry, but hopefully you will understand nevertheless.
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Hello,
Gosh, you are going through some turbulent times, how awful for you. But my first reaction is, and this is going to be direct - from you say this man is NOT ready to be in any kind of stable, secure, committed relationship.
He's ended the relationship FOUR times in one month, that in itself says more about him than it does you. Whatever his reasons, and I'm sure with his current behaviour he will 'pick' 'choose' the most hurtful and spiteful reasons for not wanting to be with you. To undermine you, and this is not acceptable, especially as you have a five year old son, who needs a secure environment, and a man who acts like this is NOT good to have around.
As for him not knowing if he wants to be in a relationship or not, after 10 months, is a bit late, he's already in one. But, if YOU allow me to continue to treat you in this way, where he can change his mind as and when, then you take him back, you will set a pattern for him ever after to do this, as he has no boundaries set by YOU.
Four times is just too much, even if it were over a longer period, but over one-month, then take the decision for him, and tell him HE doesn't meet the qualities you are looking for in a partner, and let him walk. That is my personal feeling, I would not tolerate a man doing this, and certainly not if I had a young child, as they do become attached to people, and we have to protect that, so if the do build trust and a bond, it's with someone who behaves in a way that deserves that bond, and this man is not worthy based on your posting.
Please don't settle for this man or any man who does not treat you well. Only allow a man into your life who will treat you and your child with the respect you deserve!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Dump him and make peace with your family. He has finished with you several times and is generally messing you around. And now he seems racially intolerant, whether to hurt you or not - all quite unacceptable. Please just don't let him play around with your feelings anymore.
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