A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have to cut all ties with my father. Basically, he is an emotional bully and because of him my whole life I have not had any confidence or self-esteem. Im 27 now and because of how he has made me feel, I am unable to deal with conflicts and arguements with other people because he has always made me feel that everything that happens is my fault. He is the most paranoid person Ive ever known. He will make up stories in his head about other people, usually my mum, and believe them. He has made my life hell and now I dont live with him I still feel like he rules me. I still feel like everything I do has to have his approval. Im sick and tired of it. Not once in my whole life has he praised me or complimented me on anything. So Ive had a row with him and this time I just want to cut him out of my life completely. The only thing is Im terrified, afterall he is a parent its not like hes a friend or ex-boyfriend. But I know I have to do it, I cannot continue to live like this anymore. I have spoken to him about how he makes me feel but he turns it all round onto me. He doesnt see what hes like. But everyone else in the family does. He is goin to end up a lonely old man. Has anyone else ever had to cut ties with a parent or close relative before? and how do you carry on?
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 It's more common that you think. My mother caught severed the ties with her father. They had a terrible relationship, he beat her, called her names, and claimed that she stole money from him when she didn't touch a thing. She grew up hating him when her brothers and sister still kept in contact with him. My grandmother ended up divorcing his cheating ass and remarrying. Grandfather remarried adopted this women's children who went on to create a second generation. As years went on, my mother tried to make contact with him for the sake of me, I was curious as to who my real grandpa was. When I was 7, she took me to the funeral he owned, the only thing I remembered was I didn't warm up to this man and he gave me a set of wax vampire teeth. I was more interested in playing in the coffins than talking to him. That was the last time I saw him. Nowadays, he's living in Florida and from what my aunt said he's very sick.
Now I didn't blame my mother for the lack of relationship with my grandfather. He wrote out his grandkids and took care of his new set. After 25 years, he is the piece of crap my mother made him out to be. He could've reached out to me, the road is a two way street. But, I've made peace with that a long time ago. Even though it is family, if you feel that if it's necessary in order to live your life then go ahead and sever those ties.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): Blood is not as thick as we think.
You could be civil with birthdays and xmas sending cards,
odd text message, you may not feel it so hard and won't even have to label a fall out seperation. You will never get him to see your side, truth will be distorted, blame and guilt projected onto you, don't waste energy arguing your side.
Look after you and do it with a gentle heart so the hurt never turns to hate and never grows.
love from a distance.
Spunky Mnkey
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Naughty Q... I know what it's like.
You can build a emotional wall to protect yourself, distance yourself and try to spend little time in his company, but don't walk away forever. This way you'll be able to cope but you will still have a dad and he won't affect you so much.
I'm big on family.. so I don't often advise to cut them out. There are a few cases, but yours isn't one of them. You had a row and your in pain, so you want to run away. But your still attached and will miss him. Work on building up an emotional wall which will help you get stronger to deal with things.
You've also suffered a lot of emotional damage.. you need to examine this. Try to get yourself into counselling. If this is difficult,then religion will also help. Also Buddhist meditation practices help you to heal the scars.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): I do understand how you feel, I have to say that I wish I could do this with my mother, but she lives with me, she pushes everyday, and who knows in the years to come, it might happen. If you feel that time has come for you and your father, and you feel there is no way of making things better, then do it, you don't need someone in your life that makes you feel like this, and the fact that it is your parent makes it harder to deal with. You will find that you can carry on and you will build you own life.
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A
female
reader, fallenangel95 +, writes (12 September 2010):
My father as gone through this as well. When he was a little kid both of his parents treated him badly, but mostly his father, who was an alcoholic at the time. He was abused by him, when he was a teen he ran away to grandparents and after his mother died he cut the ties from his father..years after my grandfather met a nice woman and got married. After years of not talking to each other my father and grandfather have come to terms. This most be a hard situation, I would cut him out of your life, and you've told him why. But I wouldn't completly cut him out of your life, be a little opened minded. People can change, give him time to. Don't wait until its too late! good luck my dear, best wishes!
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A
male
reader, Ashley0112358 +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Ok, only a short answer as i dont have much experiences.
I have a had to cut ties with my younger brother (wont go into why, too much info), He took things too far, and i've had to cut him out my life, before i did i told him the truth, the blunt honest truth.
I said he would end up alone with no one there for him, i told him i would always love him because he is my younger brother, but said if he doesnt change his ways he will have no one, not even me.
Ths is an ultimatum for him, either he changes in which case everything will get better, or he keeps going the way he is, in which case he will end up alone, i gave him a warning and an option so i shouldnt feel bad but we all would.
Basically do your best to let him know what he has done and then cut the ties, that way you have done everything in your power to fix things, and you should have no regrets cutting ties. Remember it takes two to tango, and if he wont join you you cant do it.
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A
female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 I stopped talking to my mum about an year ago so, even though our situation is a lot different of course, in a way I can relate. I'd say it will be hard for you at first but in time you'll get used to it, same as with everything in life. In your case I think it's important that you keep reminding yourself of why you're doing this because, as you said it yourself, you still feel the need for his approval and it will probably be very hard to get used to not having it in life. I'm sure in a couple of moths you'll notice your life changing for the better and will know you've made the right choice, even though it was hard.
In time you can start talk to him again though (I would even recommend it because they ARE our parents after all no matter how crappy they are) - all it takes is a couple of months or years that you get rid of his toxic influence on your life and become strong enough that you can stop it from happening in the future. Wishing you best of luck.
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