A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that it is scientifically impossible to state that there is a such thing as destiny, but it would be the same bias to say that merely freewill exists as well. I'm wondering if anyone here has ever falling in love with a person beyond the extent to which they have ever loved anyone else. This would be similar to the theory of finding soulmates..I'm sure many people will say they have when referring to the person they are currently with, but this just seems different. I am a person who has had my share of disappointments in relationships over the past fifteen years. And though at the time of those relationships I felt attached to the point where walking away was very hard to do, afterwards I would always look back and wonder why I held on as long as I did. This has helped me walk away from many toxic relationships; I typically reflect on the fact that I can find someone who treats me better and love them to the same degree as I have anyone else I've ever dated. I can say that in each of those relationships, though it felt so strong at the moment, looking back I loved them all equally.There's this other guy though, everything about how I feel for him has been very different from the very start. And it seems very clear that he has felt the very same as well. Actually, it was to the point where he left his wife to be with me when we first started talking. and even when we cant make it work, we talk daily and he doesnt leave me alone, just as I wouldnt want him to. We couldnt work because we couldnt talk through a petty problem and called it quits. Were both stubborn and Im so independent that I usually throw a towel in without second thought at this point. He is seemingly the same way. These feelings are way different than what I've ever felt with another guy. I'm still dumbfounded by the way he has made me feel because feelings like that have never come out of me before. And I've never until this guy had a person tell me how they felt about me and it be word for word how I also felt, and we were able to do this non-stop the whole time weve known each other. Its like nonstop adrenaline with each other. we've been more off than on, and yet every single day of the last year that weve known each other and have had our thing going on and off we have thought about each other practically nonstop. I think about him when I wake up. I think about him before I go to sleep. And despite being dysfunctional in relationships, I cant help but wonder if Im letting "the one" get away. I'm the type of person who doesnt mind being single. But I can see this guy being in my life for a very long time. I can see making it work with him if only he would work with me to make it functional. Everything about us seems to fit together just right. And yet we are both hesitant because it would require us both to change our lives up quite a bit to be together. Is it worth it? Has anyone else every loved someone more than they thought they could love or have ever loved? Does anyone have any experiences that make them strongly believe in the concept of soul mates? Thanks in advanced and I look forward to hearing about others experiences!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (23 January 2016):
Yes, I have felt I met my soulmate.
On at least four different occasions ...
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (21 January 2016):
 Yes, there is such a thing as soul mates but that is always in the hindsight, meaning after the pair has spent sufficient enough time such that they still have, not just love, but the zing for each other as when they first met.
Therefore, in your case, there is no hind sight to formulate the soulmate claim. You think and have an emotion that the guy you are seeing ought to be the soul mate, but what's in front of you is to actually achieve that. This means that you haven't achieved the soul mate status yet.
From my experience, I fell for my woman the moment I met her. I knew she is it, but I was always skeptical about what I feel; always questioning my sense; examining if there is a practical way to achieve things like live together, make our finances work, aim at similar goals etc. and that took time. Is she my soulmate? Sure, but I can say that only after we both did what we did to get there, all in small steps.
So, think over if you can actually make these changes, if they are practical, if they lead to a deeper bond ... If they do, they will happen easily. But always question your emotional infatuation and always see if there is practicality to it. That's how you stay grounded.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): I don't believe in soul mates or that there is only one person out there for you.I think you just get different feelings off different people, different levels of intensity etc. I have had several shortish relationships and looking back the same kind of lovey feelings in them all.My boyfriend now who is my longest relationship at 3 years (this is very long for me!) I felt very strongly about him as soon as I met him.I was not overwhelmed by physical attraction but after talking with him I just loved him and the spark he gave off.I slept with him quickly as well not something I would usually do. I am still crazy about him now I just love his company better than I have with anyone else. We aren't soulmates destined to be together just get on well and have good chemistry
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2016):
 I'm full on with Cindy's advice.
I'm not big on the "soul mate" idea personally, I think some people are JUST a MUCH MUCH better fit than others. My first BF was a 95% "match" and so was my husband- two other guys I dated were not. That is why my first relationship and now my marriage have worked LONG TERM.
Someone you can't work out PETTY arguments over, and claim it's due to stubbornness... are not a great fit. I'm about as stubborn as a mule, so is my husband. And we have made it work 20 years. And while we don't fight very often, when we DO, we talk it though and find a compromise and solution. EVERY time.
You even call your relationship WITH HIM - dysfunctional. So you deep down know that it's NOT this "perfect fit. There are just thing you REALLY like about him and things you REALLY don't. You say :
" I can see making it work with him if only he would work with me to make it functional."
So YOU are wanting HIM to "fix" himself so it can work. You want him to change certain things. He is a "fixer-upper" - Auntie SVC would tell you... YOU are wanting a guy for his POTENTIAL - basically you think everything would work and be great if ONLY..... he was how you THINK he could or should be. Not realistic.
And I think you equal all the DRAMA you two went through to be together as " he MUST love me deeply" - after all he left his wife for me! He might have left her for you, but he is also dragging around this HUGE baggage of crap from his marriage and the affair.
Having "OH MY GAWD chemistry" is awesome, but to make a relationship work, you need more than that. It having started out as an affair, you had the "illicit" aspect going on too, which... fades the moment he left his wife. He would have expected YOU to "make it worth his while" to leave her and you would think you already did.
My guess is, you will "wake" up in your 30's and realize that you wasted so MUCH emotion and time on something that was doomed from the beginning.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): HiYou are quick to say 'I know that it is scientifically impossible to state that there is a such thing as destiny'We accept that DNA exists and this is a sort of destiny in the genes, a pre programmed set of events. This could be when our Dna forewarns us of POSSIBLE events that could occur, say for example in our health. I would say that our own logic and personal experiences tells us that destiny exists. We once thought the earth was flat, we thought Pluto was the 9th planet, say no more. Why on earth (excuse the pun)could destiny not exist.I do believe that Destiny exists for certain events, for many reasons both scientifically and spiritually i.e (Soul Mates) and that we have choice and free will. Soul mates are not always good for each other and should not be always confused with romance and love.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2016):
 Sorry, I am sure that this is not what you want to hear , but no, I am very skeptical about this soul mate thing.
I am not skeptical about soul mates in general ; I am skeptical that this guy is your soul mate and viceversa.
What, you two are soulmates.... and you could not make it work because you could not talk trough a PETTY problem ?!
You love each other more than anything and anybody else in the word , from here to eternity... and neither one can compromise and concede an inch, just out of stubborness ?!
Uhm. That's more the realm of ego than of eternal love.
There are tons of novels and plays and movies ( and not just pop crap- also real masterpieces :" Romeo and Juliet " comes to mind )...which talk about star crossed , ill fated soul mates , who would be made for each other , but are separated, temporarily or forever, by forces bigger than them : war... racial prejudicies... illness.. death... It's always some serious, heavy stuff though.
But you and this guy, are destined to each other- and can't get over a petty squabble about something minor ?.
How soulmatish is this ?
Probably you are just very attracted to each other, with an out-of-this-word chemistry... but in practice not very compatible and not able to successfully iron out the slightest kink in the relationship.
In this light, the thinking about each other all the time , the constant flow of adrenaline, etc. sounds more the typical material infatuation is made of.
I think that, at the end of the day, the proof is in the pudding. Your real soulmate is the one you CAN stay with and live with.
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