A
female
age
30-35,
*ost n broken
writes:ok so I have been with this guy going on 3 years and I already had one baby with my x husband n he stepped up to the plate n he loves her so within the past going on 3 years of being with him I have had 2 kids by him n hes a great father to them all but when my son 'would b the first baby I had with him' was 3 months I moved in with him and we had talked about getting married n all already had the rings oreded n I was fixing all the belongings of me n the kids in the room when I was moving in with him the same day he moved his room around and I was putting the shoes under the bed n they would not fit cause a shoes box was in the way so I moved the box out from underneath the bed n when I did it opened up n there n the box consisted of photos n letters of a girl that he n she both toled me that they was just friends from the start of our relationship and I lost it so I called him n the room and I asked just friends?and yeah I did toss them at him n I just started to cry n was startin to pack our stuff back up but he said that was way befor we "as in me n him" even knew each other altho I don't understand why he keep them ther? and under the bed n he knew I was moving in and I would evntualy c them!I asked y he lied to me about it n he said its not a big deal to drop it n get over it.... its been almost 3 years n I have not! he lost my trust when I found that under the bed ""she was with her guy when all this went down so she was cheating on her man"" and when he found out he wanted to c the photos n c the letters n befor they came over she calls the house n says if he sees them it will b bad for the both of us so he rips up the letters n photos of them n her and only shows him the group photos he had of him n her n that was all that was done of that so like I said he lost my trust when that happened and iv tried so many times to get over it but I just cant he still looks for her at her job when we go ther looks for her car when we r going down the road if the car looks like hers its like hes willing to brake his neck to c if shes in the car and it hurts me so bad n I confrount him bout it when I c it happning n he says that im stupid n calls me a dumd ass n more he wont talk to me bout the things he wont answer me about questions I ask so my question is how do I trust him after this long??? I don't know what to do any more I love him but im not in love with him I need HELP im lost n broken
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2016):
 WHY???.... would any sane woman expose herself to the despair and angst that will - predictably - ensue if she continues to see - or have anything to do with this creature????
You write: ".... I don't know what to do any more I love him but im not in love with him ...." Listen to: "...I'm not in love with him..." and let that guide you as you show him to the door and say to him: "It hasn't been very nice knowing you... and I certainly don't want to know you any longer...."
Then, slam the door and get on with your life...
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): Of course it's ok to keep memories from previous relationships as long as they're not sexual, but I was going to say before reading your second post that if you have a gut feeling that this isn't really over then trust those feelings. If he is really and truly looking for her and looking around to see if she's in a car, then I personally couldn't stomach that and it shows that his heart is pointing in another direction. I wouldn't assume that you ae so jealous to be all bent out of shape over some letters and photos. It's the other behaviour that sounded alarm bells ringing in my ears. Now he's admitted there are still feelings, I think the only thing to do is to leave. I don't see how you could stay and be happy in this situation. Insulting you isn't great either. If you're gone, it will give him the space to think about what he truly wants and you never know where that may be, but if he's still got feelings for her now, then I wouldn't hold my breath.My advice is leave. Be happy again.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 If he has admitted to you that he still loves her well then the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your children is to leave him. If he is not fully committed to you and is lusting after another woman well then this is not fair on you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.
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A
female
reader, lost n broken +, writes (22 January 2016):
lost n broken is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did start this relationship out at 100% truthfull to all of the questions he asked me bout any n everything but he is the one that did not if u r over the person y keep the photos? the letters? yes I am a jelous person but iv got my reasons y I am n he knows them all lastnight he asked me for the first time n listioned to me all the way though n through no interruptions n he tolled me that he still loves her n has feelings for her n will always have them. n that he was sorry that he does the things hes doing n that he didn't really relize how they was effecting me till yesterday so now I need advice on whether to leave or idk what to do expes if hes still in love with her n all im really confused do I leave? do I stay n my oldest girls room for a few days? or do I go to my parents house for a few days? stay out of his way? talk to him? idk
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 January 2016):
If you are not in love with him then leave, this happened three years ago and still you think about it. He never done anything wrong. Expect for not telling you he had a thing with this girl. Everyone has a past. Some people keep the memories and some don't. He never did anything to you personally and he didn't cheat on you. I think you are the one with the trust issues here and you are the one doubting your feelings for him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 January 2016):
 I'm definitely in Honeypie's corner here. He should not have lied to you about her, but I'm guessing you've been a jealous person with trust issues from the very start of the relationship, especially if you're describing cars that look like her and that you're lost and broken over an old shoebox with mementos. Sounds like he was trying to avoid an explosion from you. He didn't succeed.
What he should have done is be honest with you and been firm with you. You have a kid from a past relationship he's been really good to. He hasn't cheated on you, and having old photo albums or old love letters in a dusty shoebox is okay to have, because that's life! You went off the deep end in a psycho way when you found them and 3 years later, you're STILL freaking out over it??
I'll tell you this right now - he's a very patient guy with you because most men would have kicked you to the curb rather than pay an eternal emotional bludgeoning for having a past relationship. You need to get professional help if you can't get emotionally healthy over this. This is ON YOU, not him. He can't be forever reassuring you, and being your security blanket, and ESPECIALLY not your emotional punching bag whenever the jealousy flares up within you. That's not healthy, and you're going to hurt your 2 kids by keeping this up!
He's done NOTHING to lose your trust! You never trusted him to begin with! In my opinion, that's really unfair.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2016):
 It's called keepsakes.
(the letters and pictures).
I have a box with old love letter, cute postcards and some pictures and a couple pieces of jewelry from my first love - some 25+ years ago. There are some pictures/letters from my second BF as well.
They are part of my past. Having dated them, made memories with them is part of who I am.
You have this notion that he isn't ALLOWED somehow to have a past, yet you yourself had one, you made a baby with another guy. So there IS a past there.
He shouldn't have hid that he had a thing with her before he met you. Lying doesn't help anyone.
But neither is holding grudges. All this resentment you feel about something that happened BEFORE he dated you, is what has partly ruined the relationship. And his lying and trying to trivialize the past isn't helping either.
You two have 2 (3) kids together, so maybe it's time to ACT like grown up and sort thing out, or walk away for good.
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