A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I have been best friends with this guy for 8 years. Over the years, I have known that he likes me, but I always had a boyfriend and for the longest time wasn't necessarily his peer. (now that I am a mature adult, the age gap of 12 years doesn't appear as extreme to me.He does everything for me. He always has my back even when I'm in the wrong, he doesn't let me fail, and he's really good with my kids. I'm running out of reasons not to date him. He's attractive, he's hard working, and he's an honest person all around who wants the same things out of a relationship as I do. I'm having a hard time adjusting to the idea of dating him however. We've had so many deep conversations over the years of how we feel relationships should be, and to him we should be starting out extreme, rather than pacing ourselves. We've, for example, have talked about sexual fantasies and the more in-depth things we would try. He also knows and fits the bill for me wanting a guy that come home everyday dedicated and content living the family life. These are things I see myself having wanted over the years, but I feel they come with time. I've never been friends with someone before dating them. Usually the sex life starts out as casual until we get to know each other that way and get comfortable. I've also grown accustomed to living on my own and couldn't see moving a guy in or having him around non-stop at the beginning of a relationship to the degree that he could see doing so. We almost had sex one time a few weeks ago and he wanted to go full-fledge into our fantasies and all of our conversations stopped being interesting, and becoming sexual. It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to him; it's just that he's moving way to fast for me. To him the relationship started a long time ago; to me, it just started. Even though I know he's the perfect guy for me if I make it past this point, I'm still independent enough to not want anyone to push me outside of my comfort range in such manner and it's making it harder on me. Could this be a sign that it's not meant to be? Though the ambition he's displayed was enough to impress me and make him extremely ideal for me, it makes me wonder if this was his decision or mine. Has anyone had any experience with dating a long time friend and what the outcome was? Do you think the outlook is worth the confusion I have to undergo to pursue the relationship? I want to ultimately do what is best for me because I have sacrificed enough in past relationships that I wasn't even considering another one until this popped up.
View related questions:
ambition, best friend, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): My boyfriend now was a long time friend of mine. When we started officially dating the difference with him was that we both already had a deep love for each other. So there was no confusion as to where we wanted the relationship to go. We spent our entire friendship getting to know each other so it made the transition into a romantic relationship much stronger. The foundation was strong like a fort. Our love wasn't fleeting, it didn't waver, it wasn't conditional or flimsy. And because we took the time to get to know each other platonically we developed a type of love for each other that is timeless. That goes beyond immediate gratification or lust or infatuation. It's more real and solid.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 January 2015):
Your story reminds me a lot of my best friend's most recent relationship. She's also known her guy for a very long time (over 10 years) and when he expressed interest in dating her, she didn't know what to do because of the same reasons you're having doubts now. He also went way too fast for her. Because he'd already been fancying her, it colored the way he viewed their interactions, so the moment when he 'asked her out', for him dating her already felt familiar and comfortable whereas for her it was a totally new thing she still had to wrap her mind around.
So she sat him down and talked to him about all those doubts and worries and he slowed down. He'd been making assumptions and acting on his feelings, thinking they lined up with hers. They didn't. Her boundaries were very different so he's been taking his cues based on her comfort zone. It's been half a year now since they've been involved 'officially' and she's been the happiest I've seen her. He's good for her in a way none of her past boyfriends have been, because they've known each other for ages and already cared a lot about each other before they embarked on a relationship.
Of course, just because it seems to be working out for my friend doesn't mean it will for you.
I guess it just really depends on whether the attraction is there. Because that, to me, is what separates friendship from a relationship. If you're not truly attracted to him and are just trying to tell yourself you are, this will never work. If ruining the friendship is what's holding you back, then I'd say go for it because the friendship will never go back to what it was now he's in love with you. If him moving too fast is what's holding you back, talk to him and explain what's bothering you. If he's right for you, he will slow down and respect your boundaries.
Also, tell him about the things you encountered in past relationships that had a negative impact on you. Even if he knows you well, he's not a mindreader and his judgment is probably clouded by his own feelings. So if you have concerns, address them.
Don't fall into the trap of the whole "meant to be" stuff. When it comes to things like this, you make your own choices. The cosmos doesn't do that for you. Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but I see a lot of people on DC putting faith in fate to do stuff for them, which never works out.
...............................
|
