A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have just passed 3 years together. We have a great life together: we laugh a lot, we support each other, we cook, we travel, we have many of the same interests and tastes. I know he loves me and I love him too, but it's always been a very comfortable love, as though from the beginning we'd been together for years. I feel that we're kinda like best friends who also live together and sleep together. Everyone says their partner is their best friend, right? But for us that means we never really went through that initial magnetic-attraction can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other stage. I was just so at home with him from the start.Now someone else has come into my life who I feel that magnetic attraction for and it's intense. He's a good and kind guy, handsome, generous, works with kids (I love kids, and people who love kids), we have so much in common and I could talk to him for hours. When we first met I mistakenly thought he was gay, and was happy to have a new friend. We were already hanging out and having long in-depth conversations before I realized he was actually straight, and then that I was attracted to him.He's recently admitted he has strong feelings for me and in his ideal world we'd be together, but that he also doesn't want to hurt me or my boyfriend by breaking up our relationship. But for me, the thought of cutting ties with him is painful. I have no idea what to do. I know I need to make a decision. A good childhood friend of mine passed away this year at the age of 24 and I think I've entered a bit of a quarter-life crisis since then. I feel like I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to get everything I can out of life and not make any big mistakes or have any big regrets...but I don't know how to avoid a mistake here.My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage and kids (though as a quite vague years-from-now thing). My whole family loves him, and his family have totally embraced me too. We have a big friend group in common. Everything seems perfect on paper but I just feel like there's something missing. Or is this just how long-term relationships are?Has anyone else ever given up a fairly long-term relationship for something new and exciting? Would the glow quickly wear off if I left and gave it a go with this other guy? How do you know if you're making the right choice?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (31 October 2018):
 I have to agree with the other posters saying that the new guy sounds like a complete dick. Using manipulative tactics to try and get into your underwear. I really doubt he has strong feelings for you, just enough to want to get you into bed, I’d be surprised if he doesn’t see it as a challenge for you to stray from your BF.
When relationships go into a lull it’s easy to be tempted from outsiders, it’s very rarely a good idea, cheating usually occurs and a lot of the time they realise what a horrible mistake they’ve made and how much they love their partner only to be eaten up with guilt. I hope the talk with your BF cleared your feelings and you now need to remove this new guy from your life in every way possible, block and delete him from all contact and ignore all communication attempts in future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2018): This guy does not care about you. He does not love you the way your bf does. And when push comes to shove, he will never treat you the way your bf does. He's in it for an ego boost and sex. He gets off on stealing other men's girlfriends. He's got some severe self esteem issues. He doesn't respect boundaries. Is this the kind of man you could ever trust? Or have a future with? He is a player!!! Don't lose a good guy for an asshole!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018): Well done you for talking to your boyfriend about this. When this kind of thing happens in life I think we would all want our partners to talk about what's happening rather than go behind our backs.
I am the poster who answered you saying that I had talked to my fiancé and husband about my feelings for someone else and was met with mature discussion.
It sounds like you have been met with that too. I'm so pleased for you in that respect. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy. The other man, has, however, shown himself to be manipulative with his comments to you.
Those words of his were meant to hook you and they did. He knows that with those words he said to you, that you will find it more difficult to leave him in the past. If he was a decent man he would have backed off and wished you well. You told him that you have made your decision.
He doesn't seem to care about whether or not you have reached a decision that's good for you or not, he just wants to get his own way and he doesn't mind fighting dirty to get just that.
This shows me that guy number 2's priority is HIMSELF. Not you.
If you can see that your boyfriend is decent and the other guy really doesn't seem to be, well then I hope that assists you in sticking with your decision.
When I went through this I went backwards and forwards in a way that was fair to no-one. But like you I tried to stick to my good and decent boyfriend, but I ended up going off with the other guy. We were together five years and he turned out to be very abusive. He also knew how to hook me. Which is why I worry a bit about guy number 2, who has shown signs of not REALLY caring about you, more about him.
I could be wrong and maybe you two are meant to be and only you can decide that for yourself, but think about guy number 2's behaviour and what it says about his attitude towards you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2018):
 OP, STICK to your guns.
Now that you have made your decision, block delete, remove the other guy from your life totally. No checking up on his on social media or whatnot.. nope, gone.
Guy #2 is using words, the words he think women wants to hear and well, with you... he hit bulls-eye.
How fair is it really of guy #2 to say all that shit to you? Not fair at all, he isn't "fighting" fair. He presumes that you will come crawling back to him because he feels superior to your BF. And he doesn't even KNOW your BF, think about it.
It's EASY for him to say all these big romantic epic declarations of how special and unique you are to him when in reality... HE doesn't respect you or your relationship.
Yeah, you might miss the attention from #2 but PUT all the energy you spend on conversing and charming #2 on your BF and relationship AND if at some point you decide that you JUST ARE NOT happy with your BF, then BREAK up and be single a while.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 October 2018):
 Well done for realising what you have, OP, and appreciate your boyfriend for being so understanding about it.
As for the second guy, he's an ass. Seriously, he's being manipulative: "my feelings won't go away", "you'll miss me", "you know where to find me", etc. That's a horrible person, right there, OP. He's not in love with you; he wants to see if he can "win" you and convince you to choose him - he PLANTED that seed of doubt that wasn't there before.
Trust me, you did the right thing and you will eventually realise how dodgy the second guy is. When your boyfriend gets back, CREATE the warm glow that sparks fade into. You can spice up your own relationship, rather than pine after someone who clearly doesn't actually respect you or your relationship.
You made the right decision, OP. You have a kind, loving and understanding boyfriend who didn't run at the first sight of "are we missing out by being together?" - a scary thing for anyone in love to hear!
Counselling will help. Be patient with yourself, your boyfriend and your relationship. Avoid the second guy because he's proven he's bad news. Let yourself grieve, but keep yourself grounded in stability, not impulse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018): Hi everyone, thank you for your responses. This is the OP.Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown and talked to my boyfriend on the phone (he's away for the weekend) for a long time. I said I have doubts about whether we should be together or if there's something more out there we're not experiencing. He came up with a good test by basically asking me this: "At the end of every day, do you ever not want to come home? Do you ever wish you had somewhere else to go?" The answer is no, I love coming home to him. I've never set out for home and wished he wasn't there waiting for me. So that helped give me some perspective.Then after reading all your advice I video chatted with the other guy last night. I told him I'm choosing to be with my boyfriend, and can't talk to him any more. It hurt and I couldn't help crying, but I know I don't want to lose what I'm lucky enough to have already.Guy #2 didn't seem upset because he says he knows he'll see me again. He told me he's never had feelings like this about anyone before and he can't see them going away. The last thing he said was that I can let him know when I start missing him, and even years from now I "know where to find him", and he'll always be happy to hear from me. So now I'm still torn. I feel like I've been set up for failure. Knowing he'll be waiting for me and expecting me to get back in touch makes me doubt myself, and is going to make it hard to stop thinking about him. I don't want to live with my brain in two different places. How do I move on from this?I have applied for counseling through my college but I will probably be on a waiting list for a while. I don't want to go crazy in the meantime... I need some direction and just feel lost.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018): I can only tell you what I went through with my experience. I was at a low point with my gf of 7 years and had a crush on a another girl for months (she also seemed interested). I ended up breaking up because I was confused.
After a month I knew I still loved my ex and that she was good for me. We are still together.
I think I was just at a low point in my life and relationship where I met someone who was a potential mate (she was amazing and we would probably be dating otherwise). I don't know if I made the right decision but I'm happy.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 October 2018):
The unfortunate thing for Female Anon is that she doesn’t know this future and spark will stay. Hopefully it will for her, but you would giving up someone you love, at a time of grief, when you were actually very happy until this guy came along who you lust after.Feeling at home with someone straight away isn’t a bad thing. Sure, sparks are fun, but they don’t last. YOU both have to CREATE a warm glow in a long term relationship. Imagine you break up with your loving boyfriend for this lusty guy, it lasts a year, then he finds that spark with some other girl. Lucky you. You’ve lost a happy, stable relationship for a questionably started one.Don’t get me wrong; risks are sometimes worth taking, but you don’t jump off of a sturdy boat with a man you’ve loved and discussed a future with, for an old canoe with a man you only want because your friend passed away and you have a spark. That spark WILL fade. Do not give up your relationship for a spark that will fade.Please get some therapy before you lose something wonderful and strong, for something flimsy. Cut contact with the new guy and PUT the warmth into your relationship. It truly seems that the only reason you’re considering giving up an ideal relationship for a temporary spark is because your friend passed away. You will not be missing out in life purely because you didn’t have an initial spark with your boyfriend.OP, if you and your boyfriend don’t last a lifetime, you can look for a spark with the next one, but I truly believe you’ll be losing something special (a mature, reliable love) if you choose this “I don’t want to break you up, but I want you with me” guy. Live your life and don’t miss out, but why not communicate with your boyfriend and try new things together, rather than breaking up. Making an impulsive decision when grieving is never a good idea and often leads to regrets. You need stability when you’re mourning a loss, not insecurity and a rebound, which is what this guy would be - both a rebound for your relationship and for the loss of your friend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018): Yes, I have.Was with my ex for 5 years. Like you, it was comfortable.. he was a good guy... treated me well. But there was no spark I loved him like a best friend.Then I met this guy... the attraction was nothing like id ever felt. I found myself thinking about him all the time. I knew it wasn’t fair on my boyfriend at the time, so I broke up with him. How did I know it was the right choice? I didn’t. But I knew if I was thinking of someone else, I couldn’t be with the guy I was with.Long story short, the new guy and I developed a relationship and became inseparable. We now live together and are planning a future. Iv never felt love like I do with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.No two situations are the same, but this was mine and i didn’t know it at the time, but it was the best decision I ever made.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 October 2018):
Jumping from one relationship to another RARELY works out. THAT is why affairs usually blows up several people's lives.
You have to decide. No one else can do that FOR you.
Sure, the new guy is tempting. But put the shoe on the other foot, HOW would you feel if your partner had met a woman and started this whole emotional affair with her, BEHIND your back and then sat and waffled over the choice of whom to pick?!
While I think sexual attraction is good in long term relationships, personally, I have never been with anyone I wasn't attracted to. But attractions alone... It wears off. Specially if you want a long term relationship that included marriage and kids. You need a partner that you SHARE many of the BASIC values with more than just "can't keep my hands of his dick" energy.
However, you wouldn't have pursued the second guy if things were Hunky-dory with guy #1. You would have backed away the moment you realized where it was going, that your "friendship" (and yeah, I put friendship in "" because friendship my ass, guy #2 is NOT your friend. He is looking for more from you. IF he was a FRIEND he wouldn't have declared his feelings. Saying he doesn't want you to break up with your BF is .. well, BULLSHIT or... the very least SUPER selfish of him to declare his feelings for you, knowing you have a partner already.)
If you go from guy #1 to guy #2... people around you will HATE him from the get-go before they even get to know him. You WILL lose friends over this too. No if, ends or buts about it. THAT is the reality if breaking up or divorce.
And guy #2 will always worry about YOU dropping him for greener grass at some point in the future. Because you ALREADY did it once. He will worry about being your rebound (and he would be).
And YOU will ALWAYS worry about him making "friends" with other females - regardless of them having a BF or not... you will always have to worry about him perhaps liking the chance more than the familiarity you share with #1.
You might NOT be ready for building "the future" just yet. You are still in your early 20's. And you might still think that a husband-prospect have to check everything on the list. But because of your inexperience your list might be flawed.
The fact that your post doesn't REALLY seem to have ANY thoughts as to HOW this might affect your BF, it makes me think you are still in that selfish stage where YOUR wants, needs, desires, goals, hopes dreams are ALL that matter.
My advice? Tell guy #2 that you need to cut contact for 2 months to figure out what you want. And then DO it. In those two months you DECIDE if what you have is WORTH the risk of the "unknown" or not. You perhaps WORK on the things you want to improve in your current relationship.
And IF after 2 months you still think #2 guy would be a "BETTER" choice for you LONG TERM, then you BREAK up in the nicest way possible with your BF. Then you give yourself at LEAST 6 months before jumping into dating (whether that would be guy #2 or someone else). Be single, sort out yourself, and move on from the BF/relationship BEFORE jumping into something new.
The whole "flitter" going from one guy to the next.. that is what teens do. Because they don't know better and well, "SQUIRREL"! They constantly see greener grass, the "selfish" mindset of I WANT!!
The things with "greener grass"... The best "green grass" the the "grass" that you water and nurture. a relationship TAKES work, effort and investments.
You got some serious thinking to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): HiYes, I've been in this situation twice in my life. Once when I was married and once when I was engaged. My relationship with both men were just as you describe. Very comfortable and happy. No cross words and sex was just fine. BUT in neither case was there the initial 'fireworks' feeling. The first time it happened was with my husband. We had known each other since we were children and we finally got together late twenties. Everyone we knew just asked what had taken us so long. No-one batted an eyelid. I LIKED him very much, we had lots of laughs together and we just GOT ON. We married and our marriage was comfortable, but tremendously boring. He worked shifts and we barely saw each other. We became like two people who had gone back to being friends, just amicably sharing the same house. I met someone else where the sparks just flew. It was my osteopath. I wasn't going out trying to find someone, this just happened. I told my husband about my feelings for someone else and said that we had to make more of our marriage because it had cracks in it and other people were getting through.We both half heartedly planned to do more things together, most of which didn't happen and we eventually went our separate ways. He didn't want me to go, but had no oomph to try to change things. I went out with my osteopath for about a year before that failed as he was abusive. About five years later I met another really lovely man through work. we didn't work together, he would book squash courts in the sports centre where I worked. I got on with him and his friend and we would hang out on my work break. His marriage failed a while later and he was on the phone to me at work asking me out. I went because he said he just wanted someone to talk to and I really liked him as a person. And again, we just GOT ON. For two years we were friends, seeing each other every couple of months or so, having dinner together. I could sense he had more feelings for me than just friends, but he never made a move and I was happy because I just liked being with him. BUT no fireworks.The day before I went to lay my mother's ashes to rest, I decided I liked him as more than a friend. It took a therapist to point out the timing of that one for me. We got together, he proposed very quickly and we got engaged and were together for five years (didn't get round to getting married). I was happy or so I thought, when once again I met a man who blew my socks off. The chemistry was ridiculous and wild horses couldn't keep me away. I had an affair and once again told my fiancé the day after I met this other chap, that I had met him and my fiancé could tell by the look on my face how I felt. They both waited about 11 months for me to choose. That was the most difficult decision I've EVEER had to make. Which was why I saw a therapist to try to help me. I was 50/50. I knew that I wanted to be with the other man, but knew that he probably wasn't going to be good for me. I am quite highly strung and my fiancé was stable and secure, while the new man was more like me, after excitement and adventure. When my therapist said to me 'you just want to be free' I felt so happy because it was as though I had been given permission to leave. Somehow I knew though that the new man was going to be wrong for me. But I went anyway. Leaving my fiancé was only fair looking back. He, I don't think, could have been happy with me and he was now free to find someone who loved him properly. I'm not a domesticated woman and I still hanker after excitement and adventure even though I'm nearly sixty now. So maybe I'm not the best example for you, but I DO think that if you feel this way about someone else, then I don't think it's fair that you continue with your boyfriend. Whether it turns out to be the right or the wrong decision for you in the end. How would you feel if you found out that he was having the same feeling as you are now, about another woman?Would you want him to stay with you and try to work it out or would you want him to leave you so that you could find someone who loves you like you want to be loved? Do try and remember that this situation isn't just about YOUR feelings. (said with love)I know most people don't do what I have done and what many on this site advise in a jokey way to do, which is to just ask your partner and see what they have to say about it. But it's what I DID do both times, because I didn't look to fall for someone else. I just did and I thought it was only fair to let them know what was happening. And both times I was met with mature discussion and appreciation for being honest. Also whenever I hear that the best relationships stem from good friendships, I have to disagree PERSONALLY. Yes, it's great to be good friends obviously, in fact it's a must, BUT if it doesn't also have that spark, that 'you can't keep your hands off each other' element to it, then from my experience it's doomed to failure IF one of you meets someone who creates that amazing chemistry with you. I know you want to avoid making a mistake, but that's impossible for you to know until you've gone for one or the other. It's tough I know. You didn't ask for this to happen. Maybe seeing a therapist to help you to talk it through is something to consider. I do feel for you. I have always followed my heart, but that doesn't mean that I have always made the right decision. Sometimes in life you can't have a safety net underneath you. And be prepared that you WILL lose whatever you decide. You will either lose a great boyfriend and friend, or you will lose an excitement and a man who you MIGHT have had a great life with. I've been there and come out the other side. I'm single now, but have always been happy on my own. That's one of the keys to life I think. If you are your own best friend, then whatever happens, you'll be ok.Best of luck my love and I hope this has helped you in some way.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 October 2018):
Liven up your own relationship. So many people want that comfortable love and all good relationships will get there. Try to make things a little more exciting or spontaneous, but don’t give up something that was more or less perfect for you until someone else came along. What you have with your boyfriend sounds great (unless it isn’t?), but you have lustful friendship with this new guy and no clue whether you’d actually last long term.
You can always break up with someone if you fall out of love, but you can rarely get back together if you left and regret it.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 October 2018):
 I think the fact your friend died so young is very significant in all this. It has suddenly hit you how short life can be, how there are no guarantees of tomorrow, and you want to live life to the full. This is a totally natural and common knee-jerk reaction to the death of someone close. We suddenly fear "wasting" our lives.
Also, you and our boyfriend got together at a fairly young age (assuming he is of a similar age to you). It is possible that your relationship has simply run its course. Just because it is expected you will settle down, get married and have children does not mean it is the right thing for either of you.
In your shoes I would hold off doing anything for at last 12 months after your friend's death. By then your grief should have settled a little and you will hopefully be able to think with a clearer head. In the meantime, work on making your current relationship more exciting. Tell your new friend that you fear making a decision for the wrong reason, hence why you are holding off for the time being. If he is really keen, he will understand and back off to give you space.
Being in love or in a relationship does not make us immune to the attraction of others. For most of us, people will appear in our lives occasionally to whom we feel a strong attraction. That can't be helped. However, what we do about it defines our morals and ethics. Whatever you do, do not cheat on your current partner. If you decide you want to make a go of things with this new guy, finish your current relationship kindly but cleanly, give yourself a little breathing space (if only out of respect to your ex), then see what happens.
There are no guarantees in life, especially where others are concerned. All we can do is make a decision and hope for the best.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 October 2018):
The grass is always greener until you get there. You need to cut ties with this new guy. The spark always fades, if it’s even there to start with. You have a stable, loving(?) relationship with a future planned. Don’t give that up unless you don’t love him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): You're still young and haven't had a lot of life experience yet. You're restless because you feel tied down, even if you love your boyfriend. I've always believed if there are feelings of restlessness you are not with your life partner. You're young. You're not married to him. If you've never had butterflies, that says a lot. But just know that the butterflies will also someday fade with the new guy. It's always a gamble no matter what...
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