A
male
age
36-40,
*ost Luke
writes:Hi there, I broke up with my ex almost 6 months ago and I'm still madly in love with her. I'm majorly deppressed and on the edge of a nervous breakdown. My doctor has given me tablets to try and get me better but it's just not working. I have felt like there has been a major void in my life since we split up and I'm just wondering what I can do to change that and whether there is any way of getting my ex back before I end up in hospital.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): From my own experiences I know that taking medication in such a situation is merely putting a "bandaid" on thing, and isn't goig to solve the situation. The best advice I can give is to mix with old friend, relatives, or even new people who build you up to relaise what a great person you are and that life is great, and out there waiting for you to enjoy it. If this is impossible, I would suggest talking to a professional. Often one or two sessions can help put yu inter persepective as you begin to evaluate your feelings at a deeper level.
I had been on anti-anxiety medication alprazolam for several months after my boyfriend of almost a year and a half left. As a side effect I became severely depressed and often would overdose on my medication to put me to sleep when I was really down. He'd taken my confidence away, and made me feel like I was this dopey, dull, unattractive, unlovable thing with no life. Meanwhile, stupidly I wanted him back.
I realise now I am none of those things, and he would try to keep me down to make him feel better about himself and lift his own insecurities!!! I'm much happier in myself now that he has gone. I have since rekindled old friendships, and found someone who knows gold when they have it. Until I'd met that person I didn't realise what if felt like to be truely "loved".
Remember the quote "Forget about those form your past, there's a reson they didn't make it to your future."
Best Wishes
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I recently broke up from a 7 year relationship after I discovered she had been cheating on me. We had only just moved into a house that we bought together. We'd been living there for only 4 months before she slept with this other guy. The problem I have had to face is that we had a close group of friends who hang out in a local pub and because she is now seeing this other guy it makes it hard for me to socialise. The best suggestion I can make as I'm going through it at the moment is, remember that you don't want her back, you are missing the companionship not her. Try to set yourself some goals maybe give yourself a goal like buy a tele you've really wanted or maybe a Car!!!! and work towards that goal like its the most important thing in the world to you, it will help you from dwelling on the past. Look towards the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I just answered, but I remembered a few more things that helped.
1. I made a new years resolution (the first one I ever kept!) to step out of the box. Basically to say "why not?" to things I never would have previously considered.-(Such as moving away) This will help you to grow as your own person and one that is slightly different and stronger than the one that you were when you were with your ex.
2. Keep a stream of conscious journal especially when you are feeling really down. I noticed patterns in mine that helped me figure myself out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): Yeah, it sucks to lose the love of your life. Its been 3 years for me and I finally feel okay about it (that doesn't mean I never think about him). I don't know anything about your relationship, but for me I lived in a city where we were pretty well known as a couple. I kinda lived in his shadow while we were together because I was the more quiet one. Everyone I saw asked me about him (even after we broke up) because they didn't know me that well other than as being his other half. Everywhere ,I went I was reminded of him. We had mutual friends and acquantences that constantly wanted to fill me in on his life and give me false hope about us getting back together.
About a year and a half after we had broken up and these feelings hadn't gone away, I decided to move far away. With new scenery and people who didn't ask me about him, it was easier to get over it. Now that I have been away for a few years, I am ready to go home. I remember what was important to me before he consumed my life. When I left, I felt like he was my whole world, but now that I've been away, I finally see that he was such a small part of my world.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. I don't know your situation or if it is a possibility, but moving away from where you two shared so much, might help you become your own person again. Good luck and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It really is hard.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 When you break up, you will go through 4 phases.
The first phase, you will go through is a period of MOURNING or GRIEF for the loss, there is pain , sadness , anger and hurts.
The second phase is to deal with your ANGER.
You will have anger pent up inside of you and need to release them . You need to release those angers by punching a pillow or sandbag, shouting loudly in an open space or go to the gym to exercise.
The third phase is to deal with your loss,pains and hurts.
You will feel the loss of her and the void in your life and you need to feel the pain and accept the loss.
Some men will drown their sorrows in beer or alcoholic drinks and then cry and release those hurts.They feel much better afterwards. Let the tears flow, it can be therapeutic.
The fourth phase is forgiveness.
You need to forgive her and yourself of what happened .You need to forgive and let go of the guilt.
If you want to get your ex back, you need to show her that you are strong . You need to show her that you have gotten over her and have confidence. She will admire you for it.
If you appear to be pathetic and weak or needy, you will only invite more scorn from her.
Give her time and some space for both of you to recover from this ordeal.
When you come back after this break, you will find your perspective have changed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): It is hard to get over anyone that you have had feelings for. That is why you were with them because you cared for them. Seek couseling for yourself, do not rely on a pill because sometimes they can make you no so outgoing. At this point you need to harness being single again. If you did something bad then make amends, it will make it easier to move forward. But if not call it a day. If you love someone that is special, and it hurts to think that they dont love you back. But you cant make someone love you. perhaps she doesnt know what she has lost. You need to work on your self esteem. This is not the only girl who is going to find you attractive and fun to be around. Tap into what you like to do. Be a little selfish at this time as you have no partner. Go skydiving, etc. Have fun with it. Make sure that you know you are special. Perhaps a couseler can help with this. YOu must know that you and only you are responsible for your own personal happiness. And no one else. Therefore you must take it into your own hands. I recently broke up with my other of 6 years, we had a child together. It is hard to get used to living without someone there again, but you will. I am still adjusting. But I am living in the mean time. Keep yourself busy, work, go to school, hobbies, friends, etc. Dont linger at the hosue alone. If you and her ahd a home together, then try to seek a new surrounding without her memories, I hope to do that soon. I think it would help. Personalize it and make it your own. Dont let someone else dictate your ability to live though. You must get out more. Find things to do with your time. At certain times of year surroound yourself with friends. It will help. Try to meet new people, go to places with the types of people you find attractive hang out. New people are interesting and you can never have too many friends. If your ex see's you mulling that is not attractive show her that you can get out there and live just fine without her. And perhaps if she was the one who messed up (in the case that either of you did, sometimes you just are not compatible) she will maybe come back to reconcile with you when she see's what she lost. Best of luck to you. You dont have to be mean, just distance yourself from her so that it isnt so hard on you. And if you truly love her, felt like there was any miscommunication, have something you regret, make it right. We all make mistakes, you saying I messed up is a big step. And if you correct it, lesson learned. If she isnt willing to forgive that is up to her, depending on the degree of what happened. But take each day as a new day for you to explore yourself and life goals. :))) Best of luck to you. I feel your pain. When someone is a part of our lives for so long, we care for them, love them, share with them, it is hard to see that void. But you have to look deep within yourself and fill that void yourself. A partner is a companion. you should rely on anyone butyou for your own happiness.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Getting the ex back isnt the answer. It took me a good year n half to get over someone, but you will do, then you will meet someone else and the whole nightmare starts over again hehe No, but seriously, its still early days honestly.You are lonely, and miss being with someone, but that doesnt mean you was with the right person the last time you wasnt lonely.Any pills the doc gave you, will probably take a good month to kick in by the way.Good luck.C xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): What a lovely answer from 'annalisa'. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This same thing happened to a close friend of mine whose partner walked out on her after a 4 year live in relationship due to constant arguments about money and because he wanted a baby and she didn't. She was in sleeping tabs, anti-depressants, having panic attacks - you name it she went through it. She described it to me as hitting rock bottom. However during about month 6/roughly the stage you are at now, she met another man and started dating him and has been with him for 6 months and they are engaged and plan to marry in six months time. She still feels some fondness for her ex and occasionally looks back and feels a bit sad but is happy with her new guy and looking forward to life with him. I don't know your circumstances ie why you split up, how supportive your friends and family are, what your hobbies are but I would say that you can find strength within yourself. I am weak where relationships are concerned yet strong in other areas but this is my weakness and even I can find strength somehow when these things happen. I would suggest talking to a counsellor, taking up a new hobby, meeting new people. If you have unfinished business and think she might be missing you too etc, depending on the circumstances you could discuss things with her? Without knowing why you split up and who made the break etc, it's hard to give a good answer and I don't want to make you feel worse by writing an answer based on not enough info. If you want to post some more details this would help. However in terms of how you are feeling, it sounds as though you are focused heavily on her and not putting yourself first. Exercise can apparently help to ease feelings of depression. I think you need to focus on helping yourself to get strong inside yourself so that any relationship, either with her, or someone else, will be a bonus for you rather than a necessity. My therapist said to me regarding my on/off partner that 'we want to get you to the stage where you could actually cope and function if he got run over by a bus tomorrow' and I thought this was a good way of putting it. I find that by forcing myself not to think about him for a period of time, say, starting with 20 minutes, this helps. I also force myself not to phone him whenever I want to and I try to do something nice for myself, however small, each day and something different. I'm not sure if this will help. I completely understand your plight as I have felt the same and so has my friend. What I do know is that we should not let ourselves get into this state over another person. We can only control what happens to ourselves and we are precious and must love ourselves and be strong inside ourselves. Sorry if this has gone on a bit. I will look out for our page later and if you do post some details will respond again. But good luck anyway and look after yourself.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi Luke, I'm sorry to hear you and your ex broke up. Can I ask you how long you were together and what happened to cause you both to split?
~Eve~
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