A
male
age
41-50,
*aybird77
writes:Gf and I have been together for 5 yrs and have a 3 yr old daughter. This past thanksgiving I found out she has been flirting with a coworker from a different office, 1/2 hour away. Initially I was upset but thought that "innocent" flirting was nothing to make a big deal about. Last month one of her girlfriends told me my gf has been sexting her husband (he's the coworker). I confronted my gf and she was hardly apologetic until I said she had to stop or I was breaking up with her. She agreed to stop and asked what she could do to make things better. I told her to delete all contact with him (phone, Facebook, email, etc) and apologize to his wife. She agreed to everything but talking with his wife (who has been her "friend" since high school). I said ok thinking she would have to cross that bridge some day in the future. Well just 2 days ago while she was in the shower a text popped up on her cell from one of her "staff members" (Jonathan). Half an hour later another text from (Jon) but wording was sexually provocative this time. Curiosity got me so I opened up her phone to investigate. I looked up Jon's phone number and it was really the sex flirt from work. Sorry that was long but I didn't want to leave out any major details. My next move is another confrontation with her. But this time I'm sure that we're done. I can't take the out-of-line flirting between them and more so her lying to me in order to keep it going. So my real question is how do begin our separation? How do I explain/manage this with our 3 yr old?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): "My next move is another confrontation with her. But this time I'm sure that we're done. I can't take the out-of-line flirting between them and more so her lying to me in order to keep it going."Then what's the point in confronting her? You've already confronted her and given her an ultimatum, and where did that get you? Why give her another opportunity to deny and lie before she weasels her way back into your good graces by making promises she has no intention of keeping? Guys don't decide to break up with lying cheating girlfriends, their either dump them or else hang around and let themselves continue to be "kitty whipped." She'll be glad to play you for a sap for as long as you let her because she knows you don't have the balls to follow through on your threats. And I wouldn't be surprised if she responds to any further empty ultimatums by immediately exercising her uterine property rights over your kid and threatening to take her away from you while demanding you pay through the nose for child support.I'm assuming that when you knocked up your girlfriend, you didn't bother to consult a lawyer about protecting your daughter's legal interests and your parental rights should her parents separate or her mother die absent a certificate of marriage, so I agree with CaringGuy and janniepeg in that you need to see a lawyer first, for no other reason than it would appear you don't have the backbone to stand up on your own and actually go through with your threat to break up. You need to know what legal protections (if any) are available as shack-up boyfriend and baby daddy of a potentially hostile, scheming, conniving wench given that courts generally do not concern themselves with unmarried couples who have been playing house and therefore have no joint assets or community property.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 February 2013):
Try to make things as amicable as possible for the sake of the little one. The better your "post relationship" relationship is, the better it will be for her.
My brother broke up with his baby's mama when she was only 3 and she didn't take it bad at all.
I'm not sure a lawyer is necessary at this point since you aren't married. That will put her on the defensive right away. She may take things okay and be mature about the whole thing. If she's not you can always get a lawyer if you need one.
While flirting can be innocent its the deception that's the real issue. I don't blame you for making this decision. You basically gave her the option to quit texting him or break up and she essentially chose to break up.
Stick to your guns because "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".
3 year old kids can understand what's going on enough to know that mommy and daddy won't be living together anymore and that it's not her fault at all and you'll still see her all the time.
Tell your girlfriend that you don't want to argue and you don't want any excuses. You are moving out and you want to remain as close to your child as possible.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Is she moving out or are you moving out? You have to talk to a lawyer about this. You are not married so the process is not as complicated in a common law setting. You do need prove that she is cheating so before you confront her you need to save all the sexts. You can also ask her friend, Jon's wife, to cooperate with this so there is a convincing case of infidelity.
As for your daughter, you can tell her not all mommies and daddies live together. The most important thing is that we are happy. You should show her by example that single parents can be happy too. I really hope you are not the one needing to move out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 February 2013):
First things first, get a lawyer. Whilst I know that you'll want to explain this to your daughter, it's really important that you get legal advice asap. Everything else can wait. The last thing you want is to be screwed.
Lawyer first, everything else after that. I wouldn't even confront her again until you've seen a lawyer.
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