A
female
age
41-50,
*9agegap
writes:Posted this earlier but no replies...really hope to get some advice here!My ex-bf and I had been together for almost a year. I want commitment, he doesn't want commitment....thus we did the classic girl nags at guy for commitment/guy is unhappy and withdraws ...vicious cycle.Eventually he got really stressed at work and as I kept nagging him, he broke it off. It's been a week now and I accept his decision. However, I read some books and I learnt about how men and women communicate and I realize what I did in driving him away.I will not contact him...but I miss him a lot and I believe if we can work things out and understand each other, things will be great again.I know when guys have too much on their plate they will cut off the least important part - naggy girlfriend. I wonder if after I give him space for a month or two and ask for a patch back, do you think he will accept?Of course, even if we get back together the same problems will still be there. I cannot promise him I can/have changed. However, I think I know how to handle these situations already. How can I convince him to try the relationship one more time?Guys out there - would you? Have you broken up with a girl before then want to get back together? Did it work out?Girls - do you think I am being disillutional and I should just move on to someone who is ready for commitment?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2008):
 I think the fundamental issue with the relationship is that you want commitment, he's not willing to give it to you. That's why you broke up, correct?
If you still want a commitment and he's not willing to do that, what will have changed if you do get back together again? Will you have stopped needing commitment?
You might have changed your approach to the relationship through studying the dynamics of them, but fundamentally, you're still going to want a commitment, a promise from him. And I rather doubt that he'll have changed his thinking in the one month that you're apart, if he's busy with work and stressed about it. He might not have much time to think about anything else that what's happening in his career. This doesn't mean that he didn't/doesn't care for you, it just means that you two have different schedules and life-choice timings.
You could definitely try again, but I would not get my hopes up if I were you. You might have changed, but he won't have had the time or inclination to change for you, it seems to me.
Stay busy with your friends, family, your own career and by all means, contemplate what went 'wrong' in the relationship, but don't expect a miracle or a 180 degree turn from him. Sorry to be a bit harsh, but I don't want you to get your hopes up only to be dashed again.
Take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, 19agegap +, writes (29 May 2008):
19agegap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think I should give him some space then try talking to him say 1 month later? Guys - if you were him, would you take back an ex-gf?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): if you love somebody let him go, if he comes back he's yours...else he's never meant to be yours in the first place
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Don't waste your time. Get together with you self first. The most commen problem with the mess is lack of direction. Maybe one maybe both. Nobody wins if there is a power struggle or indecisions. Jus tfind a smuck ya luv and who luvs ya back. A good lover won't ask. So if you bounce from one to another person odds are your the damn problem. So figure your own shit out before you get all bent out of shape. If you can reflect as often as you pass judgemnet then you are truly balancing. Don't forget you have to know and not think. You have to feel and not assume. It ain't easy but most problems are with ourselves and not with others. The first clue would be you ever get involved with someone elses issues. A true thinker can separate this sort of thing and not ponder it.
Good Luck out there
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A
male
reader, a-g55  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 u shud realy jus move on to sum1 else but lets try and do everything we can to win this guy back. pscologicaly, what ure aiming for is for him to feel positivly about you. what u should try is friends with benifits. only meet up for sex for a while. have wilde sex, very adventurous. dont mention a word to him about commitment. relight a few sparks.make alot of things fun. dont hold his hand or cuddle and kiss in public. dont be all over him. only time u shud touch is in the bedroom for now. ok once he starts liking this arrangment he will feel positive. he knows that when he sees u its going to be fun. u done sumthing psycological there. very good! now as this continues and the good times keep rolling he will start to kiss u good by when u go and hug u a bit more. if its slow then u need to go sumwhere on a date where he feels he has to protect u from competition. this will make him hold his arm around u makin it known to other males ure his. and then u dont do anything back. still dont nag. ure basicly pacing him and watchin him come close to you. u may not have commitment during this time but he is getting closer and closer. he might even have sex with other girls now and agen but dont let this bother u. there going to nag him for commitment aswell. and he will learn to get fed up with that and end up settling with you. one day u will get ure commitment, but it will be when he is ready. but in the meantime ure having alot of fun inbetween!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):
First of all I don't think you were the least important part of his life... I think you were probably the only stressful thing in his life at the time that he could remove.
You know what you did wrong and you are not blaming him... This is a good thing in some ways... But remember there are two in a relationship. If you get back together he will have to work too. Do you think he will be willing to do this even though he was unwilling to try the first time?
You seem intelligent and that you will know what to do in the relationship should you get back together. Maybe you should give him the book to read.
Another book that might be good for you to read is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
The only bit of advice I can think of giving you is:
Don't live your life wondering. It's better to ask, and be turned away and then be able to live with knowing that you tried, rather than being left wondering forever what would have happened if you had gotten up the courage to ask.
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A
female
reader, nita +, writes (28 May 2008):
 ok well 4 starters i dont think that any girl should have 2 change 4 any guy. i think it will just end up the same way it was b4. im srry if u miss him but im pretty sure that u will find sum1 better. maybe he just wansnt the right 1 4 u.i hope u find this helpful. just get abck out there and lok 4 sum1 completely new!!good luck!! 3
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): The way that I see it, you want to change him. Don't ask yourself what he can do for you, but what can you do for him."It is much better to lose a battle and win the war than to win the battle and loose the war."If you want to make a difference, in life or in a relationship, you need to be different.I have broke up with a girl and got back together but the same problem occured and same result. Why? Because we didn't know what the problem was, and even less what the solution was. After my second brake up I started to read lots of books on the subject and realized what I was doing wrong.I was to late though. But it was soooooo obvious.Basicly, if you don't know the problem and how to fix it, don't bother to repeat it. If 1 - 1 = 0 the only way you'll change the result is if you change a number. If the equation stays the same, why would the result change?
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